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Author Topic: I am so sad.  (Read 9410 times)
andreams75
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« on: February 14, 2008, 01:19:09 AM »

I found my way to this site. I am in desperate need.  My husband and I separted right after Christmas, before that about a month, he was doing stuff that wasn't normal, going out after work not coming home until late. Just drifting apart from me. He told me that he wasn't sure he was in love with me. For the past couple of years we have been drifting apart. But neither one of us was putting our marriage first, him with work, me with our two girls. ( they are 7 and 12, and we have been married for 12 years).  So let's skip to last week, when he tells me that he has lost his job, and he has never been fired from a job, he seems to put work first, and the next day he tells me he is having an affair, with a girl that goes to our church, whom he met when she volunteered at his work, and that they have been having a sexual relationship for about a month.  He also tells me it is no longer sexual, but they talk all the time, see one another and text each other.  He says he is sorry. And tells me she is his only friend he has to talk to and doesn't want to stop talking to her. Oh the day before he told me he lost his job we went to group counseling.  Now we are both born again christians, and he knows this is wrong. He thinks maybe we should get a divorce, but is wishy washy. We do have a counseling appointment with one of the pasters on friday.  I know I need to trust in the lord and give it to him, but it hurts so bad.  I love him so much.  This past monday he was going to kill himself, but he said God saved him from that. I am so overwelmed. I know the lord will light our path. But has anyone else gone through this, or any advice.  Please pray for us and our two girls.
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Soldier4Christ
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2008, 08:39:42 AM »

Hi andreams75,

Welcome to Christians Unite forums.

Keep God foremost in your life and you will make it through this. Stay in prayer with him over this and do continue with the counseling through your church even if he doesn't.

My prayers will be with you all including your husband.

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Eva
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2008, 12:15:50 PM »

Hello andreams75:

Welcome to the forums. 

Please know that you are not alone in your dilemma.   My husband and I lived separate lives for some time, before making it official.  I know from experience, this is a desperate time for you.  The hurt can be tremendous.

On a positive note, I have grown spiritually through this difficult time and you can too. The single most important thing I did for myself and my 8 year old daughter, was to earnestly seek God and His righteousness.  I also pray with my daughter daily- she just loves knowing that together we can call out 10,0000 angels. We always pray for her daddy too. 

I clothe myself in His Armor, place s thorny hedge of protection around us, and bind up all principalities, powers and spiritual wickedness on high places that seek to thwart God's perfect plan for our lives.  I seek God's wisdom, knowledge and discernment. I am developing the fruit of the Spirit, with God's help. He is able to do far greater things than I. 

I ask Him to show me where I need to change and rely on Him to help my to overcome things that I in my own strength am incapable of doing.   

You are already seeking Godly counsel.  That will be of great help to you. Try to fellowship with other "true" Christians.  They can provide some much needed encouragement. 

I have also learned about forgiveness.  It is not a feeling or a choice, but a commandment.  It is a process, so do not expect immediate relief or beat yourself up about it.  For me is very freeing and keeps me from harboring bitterness and resentment, which can be very paralyzing.  Now by forgiveness, I don't mean that you continue to accept unacceptable behavior.  God intends you to live a joyful, abundant life.  It merely means, not seeking revenge and continuing to dwell on past and present hurts. Vengeance is the Lords anyway. 

God does give us permission to judge others, by their fruit though. 

You mentioned that your husband is unwilling to give up his friendship with the other woman.  To me this indicates that he isn't truly sorry, as repentance requires change. Also know that you are not responsible for his actions. Even if he does kill himself, you are not to blame.

Hope I haven't misstepped by sharing all of this.  Please know that you are not alone.  And, God is capable wherever we are not.

I will pray for you and your daughters. Please update me about you situation and let me know of any specific things that I can pray for you and the girls.

Love in Christ, Eva
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« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2008, 04:28:48 PM »

Andreams

Welcome to the forums.

You have been given much great advice already here.  And the most important is to keep your eyes upon Jesus.  Never look away. 

I recently was involved with a couple that were having problems.  To the point the wife was put in jail for the night.  Then she was trying and he was not.  Both good people and both very devoted to their church.

But both had a problem with communicating.  And I do not say that is what is going on here.  Just explaining what happened.

But first and foremost before the could even begin to repair their marriage they had to fix themselves.  You keep your focus on God and seek advice from Him.  Read your Bible and talk to your pastor.  Do not point fingers or anything of that nature, just talk about you, before God and the counselor.  You are both at a point that you need to talk about yourselves. 

Your husband has something going on.  And I do not believe he even knows it or realizes it, let alone what it is.  And a man of 12 years and time with Christ, I can bet that it is eating him up inside as well, even if he does not realize it.  So saying things like "do you know how bad you hurt me" and similar finger pointing is only going to worsen it.  Be there for him, be ready to pray with him. 

I am not going to pretend to know the entire situation.  Andrea I can only hope to encourage you to seek guidance from the Great Counselor.  For He will never give you bad advice.  What I have said may be way off the mark, but I know what has worked in my own relationship as well as that of others.

I will be praying for you and your family. 
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andreams75
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« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2008, 11:04:27 PM »

Thank you for the prayers.  We had a long talk on Tueday, and it was nice to talk. And yesterday he asked me to lunch, and bought me flowers and a card, but went to dinner with the women he is having an affair with.  I went to one of my pasters for counseling, and it did help, he told me that the affair needs to stop, and that until it does he is not aloud to come over anytime he wants, and he is not aloud to see the girls. He can't be living two lives. So I told this to my husband, who in turn, was mad and yelling.  I am so confused. I have been having good days, seeking the lord, and the good thing that has come to this situation is that I have become closer to God, and I am so excited about that.  Now my husband is mad, doesn't want to meet with the paster, and says that I am putting the girls in the middle of this, but didn't he do that. I am going to keep praying for him, and grow in Christ, and teach my girls to do the same.  Please keep me in your prayers, I know that satan is attacking us, but I am not going to let him.
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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2008, 12:06:09 AM »

Be very careful in your refusal to allow him to see your daughters. While I may agree with the idea behind this the letter of the law becomes quite sticky in this and will very often go against the parent that refuses to allow the other parent to see them and quite often will end up making you lose them unless there is definite proof of what the courts say is abuse.

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« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2008, 08:17:04 PM »

Welcome to the forum. I am so glad that you found this site. There are lots of caring folks here that will help give you support and courage as you face the problems in your marriage and life. I know of the pain of which you speak. My first husband cheated on me and openly brought the women around me. I feelings of loss and betrayal run so deep and hurt so bad one thinks you can not survive, but trust in the Lord, read your Bible, the verses you need to read will be right there in front of you when you open your Bible. Give your pain and heartache to the Lord, in prayer. I will be keeping you in my prayers. You are not alone anymore. If you need extra help in dealing with your emotions and pain, please go to:      I go there often, and the friendships I formed helped me deal with the problems I was facing, making them seem less threatening and more bearable.  But please keep coming here and talk to us and we will try to quiet your feelings of dispair and  sadness. Remember God loves you, your children and your husband. If you place trust in Him, you will never be alone.
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andreams75
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« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2008, 11:22:00 AM »

Thank you for your prayers. I wanted to update you. Nick, my husband, has left today for 4 to 5 weeks out of state to a job.  It is still hard, but I have been working on my relationship with the Lord, my girls and my business. Which is what the Lord is telling me to do. And to continue to pray for my husband and marriage. He continue's to say that him and his affair are just friends, and decided to distance themselves, but they spent all day sunday together. And he tells me I am reading into it. That he has repented, and is growing in God. I don't really understand that, and when I say something to him about his continued aldulterous affair, I am judging him he says, and I don't know they are just friends, but seems he is putting her before his family, you would think since he hasn't spent more than two hours with his girls he would have spent the day with them. So at this point, I really can't have a conversation with him. He has said he has given it to the Lord. But continues to talk and be with her and have feelings for her, isn't that an oxy-moron. I can't change him, which I am realizing, only God can in his time. He said he can't help his feelings for her.  I have forgiven him, I just don't understand his thinking, he turns things around to benefit himself it seems to me. Recently found out he took her ice skating and to his house with my girls present. Does anyone have advice?? I know I need to give all of this to God, and with my husband gone I hope it gets better, because his affair isn't in my face everyday. Since he was here everyday, he said to see the girls, but wasn't spending time with them only me. He states he loves me and cares about me and is still attracted to me. But does he not know he is still having an affair. I know this situation will mold and shape me into God's image, and to rejoice in the trials. I put my faith in God.  What do you think about my husband is he so blinded by sin and lust that he can't see what he is doing? Thank you again for your prayers and for listening.
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Eva
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« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2008, 06:42:12 PM »

I will continue to pray for your family. 

Love in Christ, Eva
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« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2008, 10:02:52 PM »

Hello Andreams75,

I hope you don't mind me making a couple of comments. I'm old-fashioned and too blunt many times, so please take my comments for what they are worth. First, please know that you and your family will be in my prayers.

I think that your husband is lying to you. He's still having an affair and he knows it. It doesn't appear that he's repented of a single thing from what you have stated here. The ONLY thing positive I've heard is no reports of violence. However, there are parts of an adulterous affair that amount to emotional battery of the innocent spouse. At this point, you really don't have any reason to believe that he will tell you the truth about anything. Bluntly, he appears to be slowly torturing you emotionally. You don't see the signs of physical beatings, but it hurts just as bad over a period of time. For your sake and the sake of your children, this is not a situation you should tolerate for very long. The continuing lies might be for the sole purpose of delaying an expensive divorce, separation, and court ordered child support.

Sister, I would suggest that you speak with your pastor and/or seek Christian counselling in your area. Many Christian counselling centers are FREE. In conclusion, I don't know of any man or woman who could put up with something like this for long. It really sounds like it's time to DUMP this guy and move on. What's left doesn't resemble a marriage, and life is too short for you to spend much time being tortured.

Love In Christ,
Tom

 
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Brother Jerry
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« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2008, 09:11:26 AM »

Sister Andreams

I agree with what BEP has said. 

A man, or woman, should NEVER put themselves in a situation where the suspicion of impropriety can happen.  And he has done that...and if by whatever reason this is truly just a friend, then your husband should not be putting himself into a situation where anything else could read into the relationship...ie do not see her alone. 

Jesus told us that the only reason for someone get a divorce is basically when one party has already broken the bond of the marriage...committing adultery is doing that.  So I truly do not believe that after what you have told me in trying to get it working that God will frown upon you for asking for such action.  You need to focus on your children and raising them up to be blessed children of God, despite what their father had done to them or the family.
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Brother Jerry

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I am like most fathers.  I, like most, want more for my children than I have.

I am unlike most fathers.  What I would like my children to have more of is crowns to lay at Jesus feet.
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