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Author Topic: New Year's Resolutions  (Read 3210 times)
HisDaughter
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« on: December 31, 2007, 10:47:09 PM »

RESOLUTION #1:

    1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
    2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
    2001: I will read 5 books a year.
    2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
    2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
    2004: I will read at least one article this year.
    2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

    1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
    2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
    2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
    2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
    2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
    2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
    2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

    1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
    2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
    2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
    2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
    2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
    2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
    2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

    2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
    2003: I will not leave Marge.
    2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
    2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

    2002: I will stop looking at other women.
    2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
    2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
    2005: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

    2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
    2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
    2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
    2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

    2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
    2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
    2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
    2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

    2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
    2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
    2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
    2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

    2002: I will see my dentist this year.
    2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
    2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
    2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

    2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
    2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
    2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
    2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
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nChrist
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« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2008, 12:28:08 AM »

 Grin   Grin   ROFL!  Thanks for my last laugh for 2007!

I made a resolution not to make any resolutions for next year, and I'm sticking to it. I might try to shop at a Dollar Palace if I can find one.

 
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nChrist
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« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2008, 12:53:11 AM »

8 Minutes Left for a few more laughs:

*Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions*

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
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nChrist
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« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2008, 12:54:22 AM »

*Exercise*

- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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nChrist
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« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2008, 12:55:22 AM »

*Gift Excitement*

The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
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nChrist
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« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2008, 12:56:30 AM »

*Offering Encouragement*

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
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« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2008, 12:57:31 AM »

*Top Ten Gift Comments*

What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.

10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"

9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"

8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"

7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"

6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"

5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"

4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"

3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"

2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"

And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
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HisDaughter
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« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2008, 06:26:54 PM »

BEP - Those were all hysterical.  I've got to send the cat one to my best friend!  She'll relate!

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