am i in the wrong if i file for a divorce?

[gina]

my husband of now 18 years told me last summer that he had feelings for another woman.  that he never really loved me he married me because he thought it was the right thing to do ( i was expecting a baby at the time).  we discussed our marriage for over 6 months, we did not tell anyone what was going on because we wanted to deal with it ourselves without everyone elses advice. but as we discussed our marriage we discovered that we had both done wrong things in our marriage, that he was down right mean to me (and he did not even know that he had done it) and that i shut down every time he got mad at me.  but while we were discussing our marriage he got closer to the other woman.  he has been physical with both of us in the same time frame. and just tonight i told him that i would gladly give up all the things i had to have him back in my life, and he kissed me twice.  i called him about that and he said i did it to make you feel better, i said i wasn't feeling bad i just wanted him to know how i felt.  he said i know how you feel. but he doesn't.  he is at the house almost every evening to see the kids, we have 3. and hugs me every time he leaves the house.  when i ask him if he wants a divorce, he says do you think we need one?  so i don't know what to do?  he moved out 9 months ago.  so am i wrong if i file for a divorce? will God punish me?  he is living with his mom right now.  we did go see our pastor ( he was an interim pastor) we now have a new pastor coming in so i will go see him and talk to him and see what he says to me. 
i do have a question though how do i reply to the people that reply to me?

[airIam2worship]

Gina, God instituted marriage, it is a sacred covenant, satan hates marriage and will go to any trouble to end marriage and to demoralize it.
You mentioned that your husband has moved out, and you insinuated that he feels there is no need for a divorce, is he living by himself or is he living with another woman?  He may be comfortable with his accomodations because they suit him for the moment. Have you seeked counsel from your pastor or minister?

I would say the best thing to do is seek some Christian advice from your pastor at your church they are there to guide you and give you Biblical advice on your particular situation.

Personally I don't believe in divorce, but I don't believe that a woman should be subject to abuse  either.
The best advice I can give you right now sister is to seek God, take it to Him in prayer, and seek the advice of your pastor.

I will be praying for you.

[gina]

i don't believe in divorce either but i just don't know what to do any more.  he says one thing one day and another thing another day.  he says he doesn't love me at all.  he says he only cares for me.  he told me he doesn't want me anymore.  so what do i do?  i don't blame God for my situation, without God and people praying for me i would not be getting thru what i am going thru.  God is my strength and i am glad that he is there "all the time" for me.  my teenage daughter doesn't think she needs to be in church at all, so i comprised with her, now she goes only on sunday mornings.  so i am just so confused.  i have very little self esteem left.  he will tell me one thing and then when i ask him about it, he says he doesn't want to say the truth because it will hurt me more.  i feel like i am fighting a losing battle.  help!!

[Soldier4Christ]

Hi gina,

Welcome to Christians Unite. Even though this is the Womens Only area I feel led to answer your post.

As Sister maria said above, divorce is not something that we should take lightly. God does not want us to get divorces, however He does make a way out for us if the situation is unbearable. If you have tried everything you can, marriage counselling with a good Christian pastor or Christian marriage councillor, if your spouse still insists on living in sin without regret and without wanting to reconcile or is continually abusive then I am sure that God will not hold it against you.

I will say it again get one on one counselling from a Pastor or a Christian Marriage Counsellor in your area and do so soon.

[airIam2worship]

Hello again Gina, bless you heart I can feel your pain. It must be very difficult for you to have to deal with this situation.

I am not in a position where I can tell you if divorce is proper or not. Different peole handle situations in different ways.

Woman are not to be treated as a doormat, don't allow him to treat you in such a way. If he chose to leave the home, when he comes to visit the children, that is all it should be to visit the children, not to play with your emotions, you shouldn't allow him to do so. If he wants to dicuss reconciliation with you don't do it on the time he visits the children, make him pick you up and take you out to a public place perhaps lunch dinner, or even coffee and discuss qiuetly the possibilities of a reconciliation.

Regardles of whether you reconcile, get a divorce or even remain in your current situation, you will continue to hurt emotionally and that gives way to low self esteem, depression and a variety of other illnesses.

It is within you power to turn this into a positive for you, take your eyes, your thoughts and everything else from the situation that is devatating you and focus on God....this won't be easy Gina what I am going to say next is easier said than done, ask God to forgive your husband, forgive him youself, let go of bitterness, and stife, just give it all to God, tell Him you are done with carrying that load, tell Him to handle it for you, and the (here comes the hardest part of all) when you get up off your knees, DO NOT pick up the burden again. If you find yourself turning this matter over in your head trying to find man's way of resolving a problem God won't help. Just give it back to God again and you will find that as you depend more and more on God to handle the situation for you, you will begin to heal and God will resolve your problem. He will give you wisdom on what to do.

I am praying for you Ginabe strong and remember who you are in Christ Jesus.

It seems to me that right now he thinks he has the best of both a wife and his desire and ability to live like a single man. His behavior is not leacing a good impression on your teen daughter, and it is only making you weak.

[gina]

 thank you for what you said, i am now sitting here with tears running down my cheeks.  what you all said makes sense.  i have been turning things over to God but yes i have been picking them back up.  i have forgiven him for things from the past, but i am not ready to forgive him for the pain of her... of the things he has done recently.  i know i have to and i pray that god will help me to do this.  but the pain is still just so fresh.  i have not really had a good cry over this, i am afraid to because i am afraid i will not stop.  i have cried but i stop myself and hold it back as i have always done.  i came from a home that was not christian, i did not become a christian intil i was 17 years old.  my father was and still is an alcoholic. so we were brought up being taught not to upset him, or to do anything to set him off.  but all i ever wanted was for him to love me and he doesn't.  all i ever wanted was someone to love me for me.  and i thought i had that in my husband.  i guess we got married to young.  i was 18 he was 20.  once again thank you for replying to me.  it is helping talking to others who are christians.  i can talk to christians in my church too, but it is hard to because they know me and my husband.  they see us every sunday.  he still comes to church every sunday with us.  he wasn't coming on some sunday evenings and that is when things came up with my daughter.  so he started coming back.  just keep praying for me.  please

[airIam2worship]

Gina of course I will keep praying for you. I have a daughter who is 35 her name is Gina too, I would give her the same advise I have given you. Sometimes people want instandt relief especially when it deal with their emotions, but there is no instant relief Gina. Even if your husband came back today and promised you he will never hurt you again and always act like a gentleman with you, it will still take you a while to trust him again, it will take you a while to ease up enough and for long enough to actually enjoy yourself, I am not trying to be negative here what I am trying to say is that there is no instant relief, when it comes to healing relationships.
Gina after your children go to sleep lock yourself in your room and go ahead and have yourself a good cry, better yet get on your knees and cry on you heavenly Father's lap, He will fill you with His peace.

You said your husband goes to church with you, maybe you can ask him to seek some marriage counseling from the pastor. You know him better then anyone else pray that God will lead you into the right timing . Gina prayers work wonders. Don't give up on yourself, you are  a precious child of God.

Love in Christ,
Maria.

[gina]

thank you maria, for listening to me.  i keep praying that things will work out according to god's will, and not mine.  i told him last night that he has to make a decision, if it is finished between us or not. i told him you know what i want, i still love him with all my heart and want him in my life.  so he has to figure it out, he can't keep playing with my emotions.  i prayed about it before i called him, and i felt a peace about it.  i did not know if i was going to call him or not but when i was done praying, i had the strongest urge to call him.  i broke down and cried on the phone but i did say it to him. i told him he couldn't keep doing this to me, he had to come to a decision, and i know other people say that it should be my decision whether it is finished or not but i know what i want it hasn't changed, he is the one who seems to be unsure.  but i don't know.  he is avery stubborn man.  once he gets an idea in his head he sticks to it.  i am going to speak to our new pastor when he comes, whether we get back together or not i still need some counselling to deal with self-esteem issues. like why can't anyone love me the way i want to be loved and don't i deserve to be loved that way.  because i don't feel loved, i think that is why i enjoy babysitting little kids they love unconditionally.  and when they say it they mean it.  well gotta get back to the kids. 

thank you,  and keep praying for me

gina

[airIam2worship]

I am praying for you still Gina. Don't give up. And always remember that God loves you unconditionally, He knows what the desires of your heart are and He will heal you. Don't continue to dwell on the situation, try to get your life as stable as you can for youself and your children.
No one can change another person, only God can, and God listens to your prayers. Yes you deserve to be loved. Remember God hears all your cries, He even keeps your tears in a bottle. He loves each one of us as if we were the only person on earth. His love is so tender and so complete. Though it may seem as if things will never get better, the Bible tells us joy will come in the morning

Ps 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

 Ps 56:8 ¶ Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?

Love in Christ,
Maria

[Soldier4Christ]

Hi Gina,

It sounds to me as though you are on the right track. Yes it does have to be him making this decision as it is apparent that you already have decided the right path. Counselling with your pastor is also a wise idea. My prayers stay with you and your family.