A little 'Church humor' for you

[Shammu]

A little 'Church humor' for you:
 
There were four country churches in a small Mississippi town
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church.  Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
 
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
 
In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and completely submerse the squirrels, hoping to drown them.  The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position
to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
 
However, the Catholic Church came up with the most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Okay, now you can groan, cause you know whats coming....................
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into Church
I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that something was among us was plain to see
As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had religion others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room
All the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-you
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me"
As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred rededications
And we all got baptized whether we needed it or not
Now you've heard the bible story I guess
How he parted the waters for Moses to pass
Oh the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that Church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They was jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

[ibTina]

LOL.... enjoyed all of it!!

[Shammu]

LOL.... enjoyed all of it!!

Sister

[Shammu]

Hymn 365

This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.
 
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the  river."
 
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,  I'd take it and pour it into the river."
 
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all  the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.
 
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly  laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
 
"Shall We Gather at the River."

[Hary]

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":

"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

[Hary]

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that, so I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number.  I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.  I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned, and his answers were given in a shaky voice.  I then told him we had located his position at work and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.  At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but after what I had done, very enjoyable. 

[ibTina]

Hymn 365

This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.
 
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the  river."
 
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,  I'd take it and pour it into the river."
 
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all  the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.
 
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly  laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
 
"Shall We Gather at the River."

This was a good one!!!! LOL