Jest for laughs

[sincereheart]

From an e-mail, no names were changed  

Thibodeaux @ Sugar Bowl
Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Sugar Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Mais, no", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah."
"That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Sugar Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year for LSU, the SEC champions, the first time since 1987 they make it to the Sugar Bowl, and then not use it?" Thibodeaux says, "Dat seat belong wit me, yeah. I wuz comin' wit my wife, but she done pass on. Dis de first LSU football game we didn't came wit each udder since we bin married in 1960."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly. "No, dey all at de funeral."
 

[Whitehorse]

 

[Willowbirch]

  Hmm, those fish must've got to the poor lady at last...

[sincereheart]

ROFL! Death by fish-slapping! That would have to be a first!

[sincereheart]

Age.....

A young child asked a woman how old she was. The woman
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

The child thought for a moment, then asked, "How old would
you be if you let go?"

 

[sincereheart]

Staying Safe

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets of sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of
transportation.

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else, avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!

Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

FOR SAFETY‘S SAKE ~ Attend your church and read your Bible… IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
 
Edited for a...  (...nother) typo  

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to SincereHeart,

You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to precious physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!

Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

FOR SAFETY‘S SAKE ~ Attend your church and read your Bible… IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

AMEN! - Thank you!

Love In Christ,
Tom

[sincereheart]

 

[sincereheart]

Edited since the post it was referring to was deleted by admin.....  

[Willowbirch]

Staying Safe

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets of sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of
transportation.

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else, avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!

Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

FOR SAFETY‘S SAKE ~ Attend your church and read your Bible… IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
 
Edited for a...  (...nother) typo  

[Willowbirch]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.  He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.  He greets the first patient and the patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him.  The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of facility is this?  Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit."

[Willowbirch]

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.  I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town.  At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."  

The other driver leaned out of his window.  "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[sincereheart]

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.  I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town.  At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."  

The other driver leaned out of his window.  "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

   

[Willowbirch]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or
so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him-"very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for
getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the
following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

[sincereheart]

"Polish Remover."      

From an e-mail..... And I have no idea whether or not it's really true- but if not, it should be!  

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.