CHRISTIAN JOKES/ NOT FOR PHARISEES

[Brother Love]

Baptist/Catholic





John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The
neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,  "You were
born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Brother Love

    <))><

[Gracey]

 

ROFL

[Brother Love]

ROFL

 

[DovesWings]

LOL!!!  That is TOO funny!!!

[BUTCHA]

  good one brother love  

[Brother Love]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."  

[Brother Love]

A Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."  

[Brother Love]

A Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"    
 
 

[Brother Love]

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in the religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

[Shylynne]

A joke thread in the debate thread at Christians Unite making 'other' religions besides your own the butt of the jokes?  

I see nothing  to debate here other than your motives Brother, which begs the question,  is this just a way for you to mock and degrade  those  you don`t agree with?  I see it as such, and  regardless of your intent, I fail to see the humor here,  as I have failed to see Gods love being shown to those of other denominations  in many of these threads.

It concerns me that most people consider their denomination, or whichever church they are affiliated with, their family, and usually if you attack a man`s family he/she will take it very personally, and quickly turn a deaf ear to anything else you have to say that may, or may not be said out of genuine love and concern. This can create a huge stumbling block for some, especially the 'little ones'  in Christ, who in all sincerity have hearts that desire after God, and have found the open door to God in any particular religion.  It is surely possible to show me 'truth' versus 'error' in something my parents may have taught or  failed to teach me, without tearing down my parents.  We are to build upon one anothers faith, not tear down one anothers families.

Religions may be debatable (tho I regard all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour as part of His family and as my brother and sister),  belief and doctrine are definately debatable, but  God`s commandment to have and show unfeigned love towards His own is not.  

The whole of Matthew 18  calls for some serious reflection by all of us on  being ever careful, ever mindful,   not to offend little ones in Christ,  for according to that passage God wont treat our offences lightly. Without question there are many 'little ones' passing thru the corridors of CU,  I  pray they are not offended by how we profess to know God and His love, yet lack  the charity towards one another that would prove our claim true, perhaps forever turning them away from wanting any part of Christianity.  This is not a joking matter.

[Brother Love]

A joke thread in the debate thread at Christians Unite making 'other' religions besides your own the butt of the jokes?  

I see nothing  to debate here other than your motives Brother, which begs the question,  is this just a way for you to mock and degrade  those  you don`t agree with?  I see it as such, and  regardless of your intent, I fail to see the humor here,  as I have failed to see Gods love being shown to those of other denominations  in many of these threads.

It concerns me that most people consider their denomination, or whichever church they are affiliated with, their family, and usually if you attack a man`s family he/she will take it very personally, and quickly turn a deaf ear to anything else you have to say that may, or may not be said out of genuine love and concern. This can create a huge stumbling block for some, especially the 'little ones'  in Christ, who in all sincerity have hearts that desire after God, and have found the open door to God in any particular religion.  It is surely possible to show me 'truth' versus 'error' in something my parents may have taught or  failed to teach me, without tearing down my parents.  We are to build upon one anothers faith, not tear down one anothers families.

Religions may be debatable (tho I regard all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour as part of His family and as my brother and sister),  belief and doctrine are definately debatable, but  God`s commandment to have and show unfeigned love towards His own is not.  

The whole of Matthew 18  calls for some serious reflection by all of us on  being ever careful, ever mindful,   not to offend little ones in Christ,  for according to that passage God wont treat our offences lightly. Without question there are many 'little ones' passing thru the corridors of CU,  I  pray they are not offended by how we profess to know God and His love, yet lack  the charity towards one another that would prove our claim true, perhaps forever turning them away from wanting any part of Christianity.  This is not a joking matter.

LOL

You sure do have a lot of HOT AIR

You must be one of those PENTECOSTALS

Brother Love

   <))><

[Brother Love]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."    
 
 

[Brother Love]

A baptist pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

[Brother Love]

This PENTECOSTAL rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

[Brother Love]

Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."