I know that this post is not recent, but still worthy of the advice. My 1st husband commited suicide..not having been through those thoughts before, I too thought it was a selfish act..for yrs. I did..Then when my mom died, I felt my world fall apart. Those suicide thoughts came very real to me..anything to stop the pain..I am in counseling still..Lots of Christians think that a Christians can't get depressed..To that I reply, I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worse enemy!
But the main thing is to get into counseling right away. Don't be afraid of taking medication..If you were a diabetic, you'd take your medication.
I've forgiven my mother for dying, but I realize now that I still have the issue of the 1st husband dying..sometimes you think you've dealt with it, but something comes up and you realize that you've not.
But all in all it's very important, to get to a dr. right away! Keep us all posted!
I'll be praying!!