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I know a sence of humor helps all housewives make it thru the day with a semblance of sanity remaining at bedtime...(hopefully) so here`s todays giggle...

Wild Hair
I was bothered this past week by a wild hair that kept poking me in the eye. Try as I did, I could not find the culprit!

I yanked out numerous of my bang hairs to no avail. When that wild hair continued to sneak in there day after day, I tried to change my hairstyle.  My options were tremendously limited for reasonable styling alternatives since my hair is cut so short.

First I parted my hair on the right side, then I parted it on the left side, then I curled it all around. I just got tired of playing hokey-pokey hair (get it?), so finally in desperation, I went to my barber.

This time, my barber did the best job ever!  But like all good things that come my way ... I had to wait awhile for it.

You see, my barber does not take appointments. Most most of the time, patience in waiting is NOT my virtue, but since my barber's shop is entertaining for me at times -- I waited.

Those of you who know me well, know it really doesn't take much to entertain me.  

I especially like watching the old geezers get their nose and ear hairs trimmed!  They always sit in the barber's chair with a such a straight face ... as if it is a normal every day occurrance to have someone stick an electric shaver UP their nostrils!  I've also noticed that not one of them even bothers to flare their nostrils in order to accomodate my barber's tools of the trade.  Sheesh!!

During the main event, I usually bury my head in a magazine and when I chuckle at them and laugh too loud (rotflol), they just think I'm laughing at an article I'm reading.  Heh-heh!!

I pull it off every time, but my barber knows the truth.  In fact, I think he even understands me now.  Sheesh, I show up for a trim at least every other week ... his cuts are reasonable and his sensible advise sure beats the price of my EX-therapist!

I tipped my barber exceptionally well today.  When I left his shop, my hair was bouncin' and behavin' better than the models in the Vidal Sassoon commercials.

My drive home ... as usual, was very pleasant since I knew that all the other drivers on the road knew I looked GOOD!   When I know I look my best, it oftentimes goes to my head ... errrr, pardon the pun!

Just after I arrived home, I'll be darned if I didn't notice that the elusive wild hair had crept it's way back into my eye again!  I had just spent all my play money on another dang haircut, unnecessarily!

I quickly retrieved my little eye mirror that I use to pluck my eyebrows ... and gosh, folks, geez, I'm so ashamed ...

I'm not even sure I should be admitting this on a public forum ...

The culprit was a two-inch long eyebrow hair. I couldn't believe the size of that lone hair!  Good grief, I pluck my eyebrows as often as I cut my hair ... you'd think that darned hair woulda' been plucked eons ago!

To be on the safe side, I examined the opposite eyebrow.  To my astonishment, I found my first WHITE eyebrow hair.

Ohmigosh, it's been over a decade since I've seen my natural hair color but I naively never expected to see steely little white hairs in my eyebrows of all places!  Isn't that supposed to be a guy thing??

I immediately made a closer examination of the whole facial area for good measure.  It is now my honor to announce that at least I do NOT have any nose hairs ... yet!! (whewie!)

Well folks, you can bet that I won't be laughing at the old geezers at the barber shop anymore!  I'm on my way to becoming one sooner than I think!

Hmmmmm, I wonder if there are any seniors reading this story? I'm open to hear what to expect next!

author unknown

Vanity Insanity

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."



 :-X

Thanks, some senior read this, ME, and when I'm done answering you, I'm going to check if there are any of those grey/white/silver things in my eyebrows (such as they are).  I needed a lift today (check my prayer request).  I came to this site becasue of the prayer request.  Have a blessed day.  
 ;)PS I remember the hokey pokey and caught your pun even if some of our younger counter parts did not.  I lead a Bible Study at my church and sometimes some things I say aren't understood becasue of that generational thing, imagine, you'd think I was old!!

Imagine eh jaclaire  ;)  I hope you have received the encouragement you needed! Here`s another one that hits a little too close to home lol...

BIG TOES


Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again.
Just a friendly reminder!!
Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

MY SISTERS (The Open Toed Shoe Pledge)
As a member of the Gorgeous Gal Sisterhood, I pledge to
follow the Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes
will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels
spill over the backs.

And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out
between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and
chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

 I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn
 hard and yellow.

 I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed  girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will
stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean  on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low  price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to
fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others.
No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall
 and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

(Toe rings? How old am I? )  ???

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup,
I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

 I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals.
Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy caloused yellowed feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go my local beauty salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $25 and
 worth EVERY penny).

(hmmmmm I got better places to spend $25, but sounds ok)

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white
sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...and we are not tacky...we are GORGEOUS GALS!

 Don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other
 sisters.  :D

Hee hee, this is where I say that I never wear sandals.

(because of the aforementioned hair-on-the-toes thing)

So no one has to see my feet but me!

Good text though, where do you find these things? :) :'(

LOL

Brother Love :)

(http://www.traceymacleod.net/invision_forum/html/emoticons/wierd)

Jest for laughs ;D ;D ;D

LOL  ...think its a slightly off kilter version of the "you would cry too if it happened to you" line  ;)

Rain
Blazing, Cloudy Rain
Falling through my hair
Sitting all alone
It reaches my mined
The joyous I felt
Having you as my angel
Tears slowly drops to the ground
Cleaning the cell
Which I long fears inside
Love thou lovers we are
Far from this world
Yet our hearts and thoughts
Is sweeter than honey
Closer than friendship's
Rain falling, thou reach to an end
Thou love thee treasured
Whisper of wind ring though my ears
Crowded and Silent, Ant's as I am
Find my own shelter with this morning rain


 ;D ;D ;D

I love all joke here I'll post one soon

The Hampered Chef
Confessions of a “culinary challenged” woman
by Donna Hill


Some people say where there's smoke, there's fire. In my house, where there's smoke, there's dinner. Try as I might, the most basic kitchen skills elude me. Even the vocabulary's confusing. "Blanch" and "julienne" are potential names for my children, not something I'd do to potatoes. A "colander" is where I pencil in my upcoming dinner dates (at restaurants, of course). A "wok" is what I take after I've eaten too much. And "blackened" chicken? That's for novices. I can blacken hot dogs, green beans, and cream-based soups without ever reaching for the fire extinguisher.

It doesn't help that I married into a family that would make Emeril envious. Taking basic ingredients and turning them into fancy French dishes such as coq au vin or vichyssoise comes as easily as breathing for my sisters-in-law. And my mother-in-law can whip up a meal comparable to what's served at any five-star restaurant without batting a spatula. Just the thought of attempting such a feat makes me need to breathe into a brown paper bag. It's intimidating, to say the least.

Early in my marriage, I decided to swallow my pride and ask my mother-in-law for some help. "I'm supposed to fix something for an office party," I told her. "Do you know of anything I can make that doesn't require me to boil, baste, broil, bake, or fry?"

"I've got an easy recipe for a congealed salad," she suggested. "Why don't you try that?"

Congealed salad. Now that sounded like a happy, non-threatening thing to make ("This year's Ms. Congealed Salad winner is . . . "). So pulling out pretzels, Jell-O, cream cheese, and a variety of other ingredients, I followed the recipe to a T, which apparently stood for trouble.

See, I have a fundamental problem with recipes. As a lawyer friend of mine likes to say, they assume facts not already in evidence. With the congealed salad, somehow I was supposed to know intuitively I should spread the cream cheese completely across the pretzels and seal off the edges before I poured the Jell-O over it. Lacking that one vital piece of information, my congealed salad quickly became Jell-O soup, and my congeniality waned.

Other recipes are just as vague. For example, while laboring over an intricate pasta dish—okay, I was boiling spaghetti—I came across the instructions "cook al dente." Just who is Al Dente? And why should I be cooking for him? As a studious former English major, I looked up the phrase. In its original Italian form, it means "to the tooth." I guess that means I'm supposed to cook my pasta so it won't break the teeth of those who eat it. If that's the case, then maybe I should hang a picture of good old Al prominently in my kitchen as a reminder of my main goal in cooking.

Because of incidents like this, I've come up with what I like to call my Irrefutable Recipe Rules. First, all ingredients must be able to be pronounced by anyone with a decent phonics background. Second, the number of ingredients called for can't outnumber my children or the square root of the number of Pampered Chef gadgets I currently own—whichever is less. Third, if the recipe calls for something to be parboiled, nix it. (Just exactly what is parboiling anyway? The word itself sounds inedible.) And here's one last rule of thumb: "Season to taste" means whoever wrote the recipe didn't know how to fix it. Therefore it stands to reason it's not going to taste right when I make it.

I've learned some of my cooking lessons the hard way. For example, it took me three tries to figure out that doubling the oven temperature doesn't cut your cooking time in half. Nuking yeast rolls doesn't cause them to rise faster. And if you bunch ten hamburger patties into an eight-inch skillet, they'll never get done. Fortunately, my husband has a grill, and he's not afraid to use it.

"Maybe you should try some of that once-a-month cooking," suggested a former friend. "You could cook all day Saturday and have enough meals for the entire month." Enough meals indeed, assuming my family would enjoy eating dishes they can't even identify. My regular meals are bad enough. Frozen entrees defrosted in the microwave don't stand a chance.

Fortunately, my gang is learning to adjust. The Food and Drug Administration did us a big favor by making bread and grains the biggest part of the food pyramid, since cold breakfast cereal's fair game for breakfast, lunch, and dinner around my house. My eldest daughter, on a quest to prove that man can, indeed, live by bread alone, has become an expert in warming up rolls. Just yesterday I found her in the kitchen preheating the oven.

"Whatcha doin'?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing," she replied, trying to hide the oven behind her five-foot-six, 90-pound frame. "Just heating up some rolls."

"Do you want me to do that while you finish your math?" I asked, ever the good mother.

"No, no, that's fine," she assured me quickly. "I can work a problem or two while they're cooking."

Secretly relieved I wasn't going to have to broil her Brown 'N Serves, I wandered off to find something less dangerous to do.

At least now I'm willing to admit my limitations. In the past, transferring a bucket of KFC to my own platter before taking it to potluck dinners became an art. Combining cut-up carrots with canned soup made my "homemade" chicken soup famous. My cover as a developing culinary queen was blown, though, after hosting our annual family Christmas buffet a couple years ago.

"This turtle cheesecake is delicious," commented my sister. "Did you make it?"

"Mmm hmmm," I mumbled noncommittally, feigning food in my mouth.

Then the truth reared its ugly head. "How in the world did you get all these little pieces of wax paper between the slices?" my sister asked. My charade was over.

What I lack in cooking expertise I make up for in other ways. I can wash, dry, iron, and put away clothes faster than you can say "fricassee." The faucets in my bathroom shine as brilliantly as Julia Child's copper-bottomed kettles. And my inadequacy as a cook is overshadowed by my intense desire to organize my kitchen—so if I do happen to want to, say, fry up some macaroni and cheese, I've got 12 pots and 8 Tupperware containers to do the job.

Unless God miraculously intervenes, it looks as though I'm going to be culinary challenged for the rest of my life. I could go on and on about my cooking inabilities. Or I could let my husband explain my limitations. After hearing me say I might have used a bit of literary license with this article, he read it and quietly asked, "So what part of this isn't true?" But my smoke alarm just went off, which no doubt means it's time to pull my no-bake cheesecake out of the oven.

Home Deconstruction
By Liz Curtis Higgs

I never dreamed my attempts at home improvement would find me seeking a stripper and packing heat!
I grew up in a family where Mom—not Dad—reigned as the Grand Poobah of domestic repairs. My stalwart mother refinished furniture, painted woodwork, hung wallpaper, and sanded floors while I watched from the sidelines in wide-eyed wonder.
Mom wisely drew the line at anything involving electricity, though. If it had a cord, a plug, and wattage, she deferred to the experts.

As in all things, I should have learned from my mother when homeowner was added to my résumé. I was single at the time and determined to prove to the world I could Do It All Myself, including serving as Ms. Fix-It for my little bungalow in the heart of downtown Louisville.

The good news of downtown dwelling? You get a lot of house for a little money. The bad news? Your neighbors are probably dealers, and I don't mean Tupperware. The really bad news? Everything in the house needed repairing 30 years ago.

My own fixer-upper was better than most. It had walls and ceilings (without holes), windows and doors (with several deadbolts), and natural woodwork all through the house. Their honey brown surfaces had never seen a single drop of Sherwin-Williams. Except in the bathroom, where the woodwork was painted pale pink. Yes, pink.

It matched the pale pink flamingos that hung on the pale pink walls. And the not-so-pale pink tub and sink. And the pink dotted Swiss curtains in the tiny window over the tub.

It was curtains for the flamingos—and the curtains—and a couple rolls of wallpaper worked wonders. But what to do about the decidedly pink woodwork?

Welcome to Home Improvement Nightmare #207: Paint Removal.

We're talking baseboards, doorjambs, and a floor-to-10-foot-ceiling storage unit coated with 7 layers of oil-based paint—one for each decade. My putty knife and I soon discovered that pale pink gave way to several rounds of antique white, which yielded to hospital green, which succumbed to a grim shade of battleship gray dating from World War I.

When four hours of scraping yielded only a patch of bare pine the size of my hand, I proceeded to ask my friends and coworkers for suggestions.

Ken, a serious do-it-yourselfer, minced no words. "What you need, Liz, is a stripper."

"No way." I knew my neighborhood was bad, but not that bad. "Anyway, where would I find one?"

He looked at me like I had a two-by-four sticking out of my left ear. "At a hardware store, of course."

My shopping trip proved highly educational. I marched up to the customer service counter and made my bold re-quest: "I want a stripper."

"Aisle three," the clerk said without even looking up. I headed that direction, prepared to blush and avert my eyes, until I discovered an entire shelf of them waiting for me: Zip-Strip, Lightning Strip, Strip-Ease, Tough2Strip, and Strip-X Stripper. Who knew?

I bought several bottles, brushes, gloves, and a five-inch scraper, certain my woodwork would be paint-free by evening's end.

By seven o'clock, two serious challenges presented themselves: (1) Old-fashioned woodwork is filled with grooves and indentations no five-inch scraper can touch. And (2) Woodwork runs vertically. Liquid paint stripper also runs vertically. What a mess! I chased more drips than a faucet repairman, all the while inhaling methyl chloride and killing brain cells at an alarming rate.

Disgusted, I dumped the whole fiasco into a trash can.

My friend Alice, the queen of home improvement projects, listened empathetically the next morning. "Get yourself a sanding sponge," she said. "It'll fit in those grooves like nothing else will."

The sponge had several things going for it—it was cheap, light, and drip-free—but what it didn't have was the Energizer Bunny attached to it. Seven layers of paint don't give up easily. The liquid remover might have scared 'em a little, but they weren't the least bit intimidated by a sponge covered with sandpaper. Especially in the hands of a woman who wimped out after two hours of sanding back-and-forth, back-and-forth, back-and-forth….

My cramped fingers held an imaginary sponge for a week.

"Forget that stuff," my buddy Brenda demanded. "Visit a rent-all store and get yourself a heat gun."

Made perfect sense to me. Shoot the silly paint off the woodwork. That'll teach it.

I did have a couple of questions, though. "'Heat' as in, 'police'? Or as in 'stolen'? You know, a 'hot' gun?"

Brenda rolled her eyes. "Think blow dryer, Liz. That's what it's shaped like. And it doesn't shoot bullets, it shoots heat. A lotta heat."

I was dubious. "How does heat scare the paint off my woodwork?"

"It cooks it off," she explained, adding hand motions. "Point the heat gun at one spot. Pretty soon all the layers will stick together and start lifting off the wood. Along you come with your putty knife and wham, that pale pink paint is history."

Historical paint. Perfect.

Friday after work, I headed to a strip mall—no connection to paint strippers, mind you—with Brenda's recommendation in mind. Sure enough, hanging among the small appliances in this rent-all store was an all-metal device that looked like a blow dryer.

"Three days," I told the clerk, plunking down my quickly depleting cash. Surely I could finish over the long Labor Day weekend. Surely.

With my bathroom window propped open for ventilation, I aimed my gun at the doomed doorjamb. "Stick 'em up!" I growled, hitting the on switch.

They weren't kidding—it was hot. The little bathroom warmed up in a hurry. But by golly, so did the paint. Bless you, Brenda! Seventy years of paint came off in long, sticky strips. I accomplished more in that first 15 minutes than I had in whole evenings of stripping and sanding.

Suddenly the gun let out a piercing screech. Eeeeeeee! Scared out of my wits, I hopped around for a second before I figured out how to turn off the heat gun. Immediately the deafening squeal stopped. Whew.

I soon figured out what the problem must be. When the gun overheated—it omitted a high-pitched squeal so you'd know to shut if off. Wasn't that clever of the manufacturer?

I patiently waited 10 full minutes for the heat gun to cool down, then fired it back up and pointed at the paint with maniacal glee.

Less than a minute later, it happened again. Eeeeeeeeee!

"Oh, for heaven's sake. I'll never finish at this rate," I fumed along with the paint, shutting off the gun with a frustrated click.

But the piercing screech didn't stop. Eeeeeeeeee!

"Good grief!" Now I panicked, fumbling with the cord until I could safely yank the plug out of the outlet.

No matter. Even unplugged, it kept on screaming. Eeeeeeeeee!

Now I was the one screaming, parking my smoking gun on the edge of the tub and running down the hall, hands over my ears.

How could it still be blaring away when it wasn't plugged in? Was it set to self-destruct in five minutes? Or would it go on squealing all weekend?

I glanced at my watch. Great. Almost six. The rental store would close and I'd be stuck with this noisy heat gun and my pale pink paint for three solid days.

I plugged one ear and called the store. "Listen, there's a serious problem with my heat gun!" I hollered.

The man on the other end was cool as a cucumber. "Problem?"

"When it overheats, a siren goes off."

Long pause. "It's a heat gun, ma'am. It's supposed to get hot."

"But what about the siren thingy?" I was whining by this point.

"Ma'am, it doesn't have a siren."

"Yes, it does. Can't you hear it?" As I held the receiver toward the bathroom, the sound stopped cold. I put it back to my ear, feeling foolish. "Um…. well…. did you catch a little of it?"

"Lady, what I heard sounded more like a smoke alarm. Got one of those?"

My mouth went dry. "A…. a smoke alarm?"

"Yeah. A little white disk, on the ceiling. Ever seen one?"

Stretching the phone cord, I tiptoed into the hallway and gazed down toward the bathroom. Above the door lurked a tell-tale white disk, its tiny red dot glowing.

"Yes, I…. believe I have seen one of those." I swallowed hard. "Once." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, fairly certain the situation merited both. "Look, I'm sorry to bother you. Happy…. um, happy Labor Day!"

"That's exactly what I'll be doin', ma'am. Workin'."

"Yup." I flexed my heat-gun-totin' fingers. "Me, too."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D :o :D ;D ;D ;D

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME DRILL
Author: Brenda Vey
 
I should have seen it all coming……but, I really did think the light at the end of the tunnel was just that. How could I have possibly known that it was a train run by an opportunistic and somewhat macho engineer (okay, okay….a LOT macho) who for the most part didn’t think that I could even perform the job of ticket conductor on my own life’s train? Let’s pause now and instead of singing, “When two worlds collide,” sing, “When two trains finally collide.”

Well, didn’t I ask for it with my “come hither and save the fair maiden, Sire” look? Yes, the “help me, help me” attitude……otherwise known as the “lame duck” syndrome, Cinderella complex, Snow White aura…whatever you wish to call it. I have to admit that I like that stereotypical female trait to a degree; therein lays the problem: to a degree. I would love nothing more than for my beloved to slay a dragon for me.

But, he should be willing to teach me skills and enlighten me, nonetheless, without his masculinity feeling threatened…..

Like how to change a furnace filter for instance.

For ten long years I lived with the mystery of not knowing that esoteric knowledge. I would constantly ask, inquire and demand hubby to show me, but to no avail. I was informed that this had to be done in just such and such a manner (explanations were always vague and obscure, of course) or…….well, it would be my fault if things went awry around here…..and could I live with the guilt? Feeling the guilt of my whole baby boomer generation on my shoulders as it was, why no I could not handle anymore than I already was carrying. Even still, I would scoff, grimace and roll my eyes and accuse him of treating me worse than stupid. I could carry a child for nine months, endure the rigors of childbirth, love and tolerate his family, bounce a ball on my nose, blindstitch his pants, make a dinner from shoe leather, beans and one lemon, write some poetry and so forth…BUT, I was not qualified to install a furnace filter. I felt he was being insecure about it all…..something was fishy here and surely it could not be that hard.

I was right.

One day the God of Abraham struck this Eve with a bolt of I-don’t-know-what while He caused a deep sleep to fall upon “Adam”…… Next, He then caused me to grab the filters that had been lying on the kitchen hutch for not one week but two weeks. With trembling hands and short, rapid and tense breaths, I proceeded to the furnace room with great trepidation. Elvis Presley’s, “It’s Now or Never” kept playing through my mind…Bravely, I faced the metal monster and taking a deep breath, removed the panels.

Almost immediately, I felt horrified…..to find out that this thing was easier than making homemade apple pie……. As I stood there performing this ultra simple task of taking out two old dusty filters and easily replacing with two new filters...tasks that even Lassie, the heroine dog of yesteryear, could have done blindfolded, I entertained a wicked thought. I toyed with the apple-delicious idea of removing a rib from the sleeping "Adam".....and still musing over why hubby chose to make this a great difficult mystery for me……

Well, of course, this raised my confidence level as well as my temporary disdain for him. It was a jolt to reality that my knight slays dragonflies not dragons………I eventually forgave him and even took pity on him for I soon realized that to him dragonflies ARE dragons.

With this revelation of my own abilities, I decided to give his electric screwdriver a drive around the block, so to speak. Oh, I had fun with it all right. I would whirl it this way and then that way. Oh, what power in my hands! I loved his drill and started fantasizing about developing a woman’s line of tools called, “Powder Puff Tools.” Yep, they would be lighter weight and come in colors, of course, as we women do like functionality and beauty blended.

Anyway, I was so happy to actually look for things to screw or unscrew that I would wake up and chipper, “To screw or not to screw…..this is NOT the question….but, rather WHAT to screw or unscrew…..here, dear……need some ear wax removed? Maybe a little brain surgery while I am at it, hmm? ” Well, the fair maiden now has calluses because the knight now expects her to drill. There is no mercy from him….nay, none whatsoever. I have went from “you-cannot-run-your-own train” to “you-ought-to-be-able-to-not-only-run-your-own-train-and-collect-the-tickets-but-oil-and-grease-that-sucker-too”. Yes, I’ve come a long way, baby. In fact, if you come walking by my home, you just might hear the off-key strains of Helen Reddy’s, “I Am Woman” floating through the air…..with a minor change in wording. Instead of, “I am woman, hear me roar….” you will hear, “I am woman, hear me drill….at 1500 rpms…..loud and shrill……”

……while the knight is cooking dinner……

Say, do any of you fellows or gals know what the best rating for insulation might be? It looks like I might try my hand at that next, being that the garage looks like one of those drive-thru carwashes with "things" hanging down from above. And, if that goes well…. I will then go and meet the toilet monster……..that one does scare me...

Somebody help me.....anybody? Bob Villa? Someone.......

Hey, don't joke about that - I think there IS a line of tools for women, they come in pastel, and they have amost the same name!!!  ;D Really! It was on TV!

uh oh

won`t that increase the incidents of stroke amoung men?

I mean really, do they WANT us running a-muck thru thier territory?   :-X

Computer T-Shirt Slogans


Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT'

Shell to DOS, Come in DOS, do you COPY?

All computers wait at the same speed.

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Go ahead, make my data!

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender: Insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error! Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

DOS Tip #1701: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a female bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.
 ;D

 ;D Why wait? I could be a bear right now, couldn't you?

LOL!  :D

   Willow;
   IrishAngel is a true Angel here is a pic. of Her
   (http://www.angelwinks.webby.com/images/bangel1.gif)
   so she is no bear

LOL forrest!  THAT could seriously get me picked on by sincereheart  :-X

;D WOW! I never knew! (And it looks like she got a little too much sparkling punch, as well!)

whatever happened to we women sticking together!

sparkling punch LOL willow your not helping!  


I assure you I do not sparkle...I think forrest is trying to say I toot my own horn or sumthin  :-\

The Best Thing In Waking Up......

Is coffee in your cup......

Lovely Lady opens her eyes. The morning sun is shining through sparkling clean windows. Coffee aromas are penetrating the house as Lovely Lady breaths deeply. Lovely Lady arises from bed with hair and makeup fully intact from a restful nights sleep. She makes her way to the immaculate kitchen to pour her coffee.. Lovely Lady smiles as Lovely Hubby enters and kisses her cheek. Mr. And Mrs. Lovely sigh and enjoy their cup of the best thing of their morning!

End of advertisement.

I can’t help but wonder what in the world is wrong with me!

Not So Lovely Lady opens eyes and sees the birds have been taking target shots at her windows. Not So Lovely Lady rises from bed and trips over tennis shoes while she contemplates the rats nests in her hair. She heads for the kitchen to make the coffee because the timer is broken on her coffee maker. Not So Lovely Lady realizes she forgot to buy coffee filters! Not So Lovely Lady improvises and substitutes a paper towel while imagining McGuyver would be proud! Rumbling through last nights dishes in the sink she rinses out a cup. She pours her coffee and sighs while Not So Lovely Hubby snores through 1-2-3 cups!

End of reality!

The truth is that life is never as pretty as portrayed by actors in advertisements.

Do you sometimes wonder why your life is not picture perfect?

Join the crowd!

I imagine that coffee in a cup may not be all it’s made out to be!

The Lord faced people that wanted to understand why they had troubles. I am sure that coffee and clean windows was the last thing on their minds, but here is what He said.

Joh:16:33: These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

This world is not picture perfect...but be of good cheer! We can have peace in Christ Jesus!

Oh no, I don't think so - its kind of sweet, actually!  :)

This isn't as funny, as it is interesting...

 ABOVE US ! (anonymous)
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is
entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to
fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.
 
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble
creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is        
placed on the floor or flat ground, all! it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there
until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
 
In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are struggling with all their problems
and frustrations, not ever realizing that the answer is right there "Above" them.
 
                "That's the way it is Folks"

Now that is fact Darling!  I've got a set myself!  Pink and blue and primrose too!

Love..Tamara

i LOVED your story--my grandma (step-grandma sort of, only 55 years old) was speaking with my aunt one day, when she reached over to pull a black hair out of her face (her hair is white, however).  and when she tried to pull it, she felt it stick to the skin.  Turns out it had been about a 4 inch black hair that had been growing on her chest!  so what i mean to say is, don't worry-it happens to the best of us!!!

Oklahoma Howdy to All,

OK, I know I'm not a woman, but let me share this story with you and I'll vacate.   ;D

--------------

AM OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?".

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?

"Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered,

"Well, today I didn't do it."
-----------------------------

Send this page to another woman. I'm not a woman, but my daughter sent it to me anyway.

In Christ,
Tom

Well..I've had a good laugh at that Blackeye!  Poor man...poor wife too when she had to clean the house!!! :D

Love..Tamara!

One of my Favorites:

Eve ate Adam out of House and Home :)

Brother Love :)

 Adam
>
>
>God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a
>valley?"
>and God explained it to him.
>Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and
>God
>explained it to him.
>And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a
>hill?"
>and God explained it to him.
>Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a
>cave,"
>and Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him.
>"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a
>woman?"
>So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
>And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.
>So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
>hill, and into the cave, and found the woman. ... and in about five
>minutes
>he was back.
>God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 Blonde Suicide




A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of
her little finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to
commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You
tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest.
Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast
implants, I'm not going to shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just
paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee,
this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my
finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

>THIS SORT OF HITS HOME
>
>Ya' hear me now?
>An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was
>getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her
>doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing
>checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing
>test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple
>informal test the husband could do to give the doctor
>some idea of the state of her problem.
>
>"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out
>about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
>conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
>not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
>get a response."
>
>That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
>dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to
>himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
>
>Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"
>No response.
>
>So the husband moved to the other end of the room,
>about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"
>Still no response.
>
>Next he moves into the dining room where he is about
>20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
>Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet
>away.
>"Honey, what's for supper?"
>
>Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.
>"Honey, what's for supper?"
>
>(I just love this!)
>
>
>
>
>"Dang  it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
>

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

 ;D   ;D It hits home for me also because my wife has to repeat things all the time.

In Christ,
Tom

THE POWER OF PRAYER]
>
>
>
>
>-------- Original Message --------
>
> > One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came
> > > upon a large raging, violent river.. They needed to get
> > > to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
> > >
> > > The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
> > > me the strength to cross this river."
> > > Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
> > > was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
> > > after almost drowning a couple of times.
> > >
> > > Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
> > > "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to
> > > cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he
> > > was able to row across the river in about an hour,
> > > after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
> > >
> > > The third man had seen how this worked out for the
> > > other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please
> > > God, give me the strength and the tools...and the
> > > intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God
> > > turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked
> > > upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across
> > > the bridge.
> > >
> > > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
> > > THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
 :o

Sincereheart! Shame on you!  (http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/joysong/rofl.gif)

Oklahoma Howdy to Sincereheart,

I needed one of those rolling, laughing faces, but I don't find it on my menu. So, I'll have to be content with ROFL.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

LOL Now thats a keeper :)

Brother Love :)

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teen's who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed.  This suit will top the 2003 list without question.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R. V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying recreation vehicles.

Thanks Willowbirch

Brother Love :)

(http://www.wdwinfo.com/sites/family/hapfac01.gif)(http://www.wdwinfo.com/sites/family/hapfac01.gif)(http://www.wdwinfo.com/sites/family/jumpinggreens.gif)

     Willow that one has me in tears and stiches.

Oklahoma Howdy to Willowburch,

 ;D  The winner just had to be from Oklahoma. Gee Thanks!  ;D

I bet he was a transplant from Texas.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  

The dark side of families who homeschool! (joke)
http://www.design-a-website.com/dark.htm

Good One LOL

Brother Love :)

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)




 

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

 Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

 Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
 

 Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

 Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

 All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
 

 If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

 When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

 He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

 So don't take any bets,

It's as good as it gets,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
 
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.l

 ;D

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a
woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their
hands......
SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY

 :D thats a pretty good one.

My pastor used this one in one of his teachings a while ago:
Deacon Brown was repainting their little white country church. He soon realized that there was more church to cover than there was paint in the bucket, so he added some water to stretch the supply. After he finished painting and was cleaning the brush, it suddenly began to rain and the diluted paint ran down the walls of the church. Deacon Brown raised his eyes to heaven and said," Oh Lord, what do i do now?" There was a loud clap of thinder followed by a voice from above that boomed, "Repaint, and thin no more."

Some secular nonsense for y'all! Copy and paste the following link to the net:  http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf

Click on each deer!

Oklahoma Howdy to HopeAndFaith,


 ;D  Thanks, I needed that laugh.

In Christ,
Tom

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Forrest,


 ;D  All of it sounds familiar.

By the way, I love your new signature graphic. More and more I'm very thankful "This world is not my home."

In Christ,
Tom

Good one LOL :)

Brother Love :)

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,  while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers  at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers  till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.  We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would  be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

  -Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put
them down and forget where they left them.

  One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
make a woman gain 5 lbs.

  My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

  The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
shoes.

  The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

  The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight
because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

  Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came
today.

  Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
  consciousness.

  I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

  Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks
two sizes!

  Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like,  "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name,  and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be  a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

  A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth
control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

  The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing and then they marry him.

  I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
stress  are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

  I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that
nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

 Blondes Looking for a Christmas Tree in the Forest!

 Two blondes went deep into the frozen forest for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday
and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to
an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously
had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a
question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really?
How do you! know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the
delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the
church, and the center of attention.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of
people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments" answered the lady.
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof
repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS
The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One
Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:...................... There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:.................. Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:.......................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion,
Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn...... He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

From an e-mail, no names were changed  ;)

Thibodeaux @ Sugar Bowl
Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Sugar Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Mais, no", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah."
"That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Sugar Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year for LSU, the SEC champions, the first time since 1987 they make it to the Sugar Bowl, and then not use it?" Thibodeaux says, "Dat seat belong wit me, yeah. I wuz comin' wit my wife, but she done pass on. Dis de first LSU football game we didn't came wit each udder since we bin married in 1960."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly. "No, dey all at de funeral."
 8)

 ;D

 ;D ;D ;D Hmm, those fish must've got to the poor lady at last...

ROFL! Death by fish-slapping! That would have to be a first!

Age.....

A young child asked a woman how old she was. The woman
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

The child thought for a moment, then asked, "How old would
you be if you let go?"

 :-X

Staying Safe

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets of sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of
transportation.

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else, avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!

Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

FOR SAFETY‘S SAKE ~ Attend your church and read your Bible… IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
 8)
Edited for a...  (...nother) typo  :-X

Oklahoma Howdy to SincereHeart,


AMEN! - Thank you!

Love In Christ,
Tom

 :D

Edited since the post it was referring to was deleted by admin.....  ;D

;D

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.  He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.  He greets the first patient and the patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him.  The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of facility is this?  Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit."

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.  I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town.  At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."  

The other driver leaned out of his window.  "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

 :-X  ;D

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or
so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him-"very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for
getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the
following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

"Polish Remover."  :-X  :-X  ;D

From an e-mail..... And I have no idea whether or not it's really true- but if not, it should be!  ;)

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

    Finally justice prevails for a lawyer, how fitting! 8)

  :-[  (face turns red in embarishment) (pay no attention to the MAN in the womens forum)

 Sorry ladies and girls for posting on your "just for women" post, I saw the lawyer post in the top ten posts on the home page and just responded because I liked the story. I didn't see that it was the womens only post until after I had responded. No disrespect intended... woops, I'll be leaving your womens only post now.

(feeling like I accidentally walked into the Ladies restroom! I didn't see or hear anything, honest!)    :-[ :-[ :-\

ROFL! You're more amusing than any of the humor that's been posted!  ;)

Quite alright! Really!

Very rarely does a female get upset when men come in here! Most of the regulars appreciate the male viewpoint!

No harm! Everyone's decent.... 8)

*still chuckling*

If Rednecks Were in Charge.....

(http://sc.groups.msn.com/tn/47/32/SincereHeart/2/34.jpg)

If rednecks Were in Charge.....

(http://sc.groups.msn.com/tn/47/32/SincereHeart/2/35.jpg)

If rednecks Were in Charge.....

(http://sc.groups.msn.com/tn/47/32/SincereHeart/2/37.jpg)

If Rednecks Were in Charge....

(http://sc.groups.msn.com/tn/47/32/SincereHeart/2/36.jpg)

(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RwAwA90VTh2o*Q5ALVOQJ6o0BPlY0r9TV!CWfeB4x9uFifvIi3s3iUHMXSMiMF78CpvmPIEFQUzsTTeRjFJsbLjsQI5qfDypShznVr6I6NQ/Picture7.jpg?dc=4675458485068067865)

 ;D Heheh. These are really cute! Tell some more :)

Those were all funny thanks for the laughs! Post more lol. :D

 ;D

Willie for Prez - now there's a scary thought!  ;)





Sorry, no more.... *sniff* That's the only ones I saved  :-X

How about this, instead?


(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SwAlA8kXfaYK7vnKR8e2q*Ml9IC1mc44G6XIRGX!M90Xux3w52vS4ruU6!sBA2eDVyPq0Ph7Bd0S54WgQk3DgLjpStGDPvQQyhxiQ17wozqFLtbryMduHg/blondetracks.bmp?dc=4675458687631885643)

Heeheehee...

Paul2 IS just as funny as any of the jokes...

And sincereheart, loved all the pictures!  ;D

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this  

Good ones!  :D

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

I will NOT let my husband see this one..... :-X

 ;D

"You're such a good friend, that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps
and think of you often."

 :-X

Words We Could Live Without!.....
Every year Lake Superior State (Michigan) issues a list of words
or phrases that should be banned from the English language.
Here's the list for 2004, along with some edited commentary:z


"X" ...

Not really a word, but marketers have grabbed on to it to get
the attention of the Generation X demographic. X-Files, Xtreme, Windows XP, and X-Box are but a few examples.


"Place Stamp Here" ...

It appears on 99% of all return envelopes along with the warning that "The Post Office will not deliver without postage." Can we legitimately claim to be a superpower if we need to be reminded about where to put a stamp on an envelope? And if you can't do that, isn't actually paying the bill the least of your worries?

from Cascade_Express(tm)


"Companion Animals" ...

Helloooo! They're called *pets.*


"Bling or Bling-Bling" ...

This once slang street term for items of luxury has become
so overused your mother might even use it, and nothing could
kill the mystique of a word faster. Bling bling? Hate it. Hate it.


"Embedded Journalist" ...

As a matter of objectivity, no journalist should ever be
embedded in any organization on which he or she has
to report. It seems to be a "hip" way of saying "at the
scene." The next time I hear it used by the media, I'm
going to embed my foot in the TV.


"Smoking Gun" ...

Let's give the 21-gun salute to this overused analogy.


"Shock and Awe" ...

I can't wait until it hits the mainstream, as in "Shock and Awe
Pool Cleaner."


"Captured Alive" ...

You ever hear of anyone who has captured dead?


"Shots rang out" ...

Shots don't ring unless you're standing too close to the muzzle, and in that case, you don't need a reporter to tell you about it.


"Ripped from the headlines" ...

Kicking and screaming, no doubt.


"Sweat like a pig" ...

Ummm, pigs don't sweat. That's why they roll in the mud.
To cool themselves.
 

"Sanitary Landfill" ...

Ever been to one? "Sanitary" is not the first word that leaps to mind.

The Top 7 Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee
Copyright 1994, 2004 by Chris White, www.topfive.com
(originally published February 16, 1994)

You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.

Juan Valdez starts sends you hand-written Thank You notes.

You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.

Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.

Alvin & the Chipmunks start to sound like Barry White.

Auctioneers begin to make sense.


And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...

YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss...

FUNNIEST post on the thread!

 Paul deserves a medal for such bravado  ;)

And have you ever seen that particular shade of red before?

It's a new one to me!  ;D

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love
to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of Mother's Day, he
arose early, got up &made her a nice big bowl of Lucky
Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything
there
was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving
husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing

chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the
latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into
bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife & with a big
smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like
being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is
gonna
get it wrong.

And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...

YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss...

uh oh for me  :-X

"The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is
gonna get it wrong."

but arnt they adorable when they fessin up they aint been listenin to a word you said!

my hubby does a lot of fessin  ;D

Chocolate is a Vegetable
 
**
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
 
Bean = vegetable.
**
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar
BEETS.
**
Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
**
 
**
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also
contain milk,
which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
 
**
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.  
** Remember - - - "STRESSED"
spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew),! and
you will lose 10 pounds.

(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds
immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - -! - - I didn't
want to risk it."

Ooh! Chocolate! My favorite health food!  ;D

HAAAAAAAA :)

 :-X

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue..
 ???
 
 
 
 
and then you add eggs
 
and sugar...
 
and you get cake?
 
 
 
Where did the glue go?
 
You know very well where it went!
 
NEED AN ANSWER?
 ...
 ...
 ...
 ...
 ...
 ...
 ...
That's what makes the cake..
Stick to your BUTT
 :-X

LOL

you take the cake sincereheart  :P

Did you have a Drug Problem as a Child and are you willing to admit it?
 
 My generation just might have been lucky when it dealt with growing up problems. But I have to confess something about myself. I had a drug problem when I was young.
 
 *I was drug inside when it got to late.
 
 *I was drug to weddings and funerals.
 
 *I was drug to family get-togethers and reunions no matter the weather.
 
 *I was drug to school when I didn't feel good and wanted to stay home.
 
 *I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
 
 *I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
 
 *I was drug to neighbors to apologize when I did something I shouldn't have.
 
 Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in every thing I do, say, and think today. They have set my moral code, values and core behaviors. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America just might be a better place
 

Those kinds of 'drugs' are called MEDICINE!  ;D

"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."  ;D

Joe had lived with his wife Mary in their little home deep in the woods for  fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to the big city and they checked into an upscale hotel.

Mary had a complaint for the bellman. "We refuse to settle for such a small room. We don't have any windows or fan, or even a bed!"

"But, Madam!"

Mary interrupted the man. "Don't you 'But, Madam' me!" she stormed. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of hicks just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and we've never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager!"

"But, Madam," the bellman finally got out, "this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

 :-X

Joe had lived with his wife Mary in their little home deep in the woods for  fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to the big city and they checked into an upscale hotel.

Mary had a complaint for the bellman. "We refuse to settle for such a small room. We don't have any windows or fan, or even a bed!"

"But, Madam!"

Mary interrupted the man. "Don't you 'But, Madam' me!" she stormed. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of hicks just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and we've never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager!"

"But, Madam," the bellman finally got out, "this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

It was a simple mistake anyone could have made!  8) Are you laughing at me?  >:(

~gleaned from the Internet
(http://swordandspirit.com/_UPSTAIRS/images/STF/thedoor.gif)
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your email address is Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
4) Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."
10) Finish all sentences with "in accordance with prophecy."
11) Don't use any punctuation
12) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
17) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
18) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "They're loose! They're loose!!!"
21) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that are bothering me. It's the voices in your head that do."
22) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

My favorite:
8) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

Are you laughing at me?   YES!  ;D

While attending a marriage seminar on communication Wally and his wife Carolyn listened carefully as the counselor declared "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other"

He addressed the men " Can you describe your wife`s favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched his wife`s arm gently and whispered "Pillsbury All-purpose isn`t it?"

And thus began Wallys life of celibacy.

 That was so... sad for Wally! ;D

Here s something my hub got a chuckle out of, i saw this at another forum:
HUSBANDS QUOTES ON MARRIAGE

1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

7. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

8. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"

9. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

10. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

11. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

12. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

13. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

14. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

15. Then there was a man who said; "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

16. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Not so sad for Wally - she let him live!  ;) I think it was more than gracious of her!  ;D


3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Must've been Wally!  ;D

Not so sad for Wally - she let him live!   I think it was more than gracious of her!

LOL!  ;)

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

A sad symptom of neglect of all mothers everywhere to teach their sons this golden rule as soon as they learn to talk.
1. Woman is always right.

[excerpt from Womans Golden Rule Book]

 ;D

A four-year-old and a six-year-old presented their Mom with a house plant. They had used their own money to buy it, and she was thrilled. The older of them said with a sad face, “There was a bouquet that we wanted to give you at the flower shop. It was real pretty, but it was too expensive. It had a ribbon on it that said, ‘Rest In Peace,’ and we thought it would be just perfect since you are always asking for a little peace so that you can rest.”

 ;D

I love it!  ;D




I relate to it..... :-\

Ssshhhhhhh...... BEP posted these over in the men's room. :-X
I thought I'd borrow them since they don't like women in there.... :P

SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes & you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy & your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom.

...over in the men's room... they don't like women in there....


I think they secretly love us, it`s the always being one step behind us that makes them cross  ;)

 ;D  We definitely love you. You would be ahead, but you're going the wrong direction.

ROFL

(http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/joysong/spew.gif)

I am forced to humbly admit that was a good comeback  :-[

*sigh* Why do men always think backwards is the right direction?  :P

*sigh* Why do men always think backwards is the right direction?  

oh now why did`nt I think of  that! a man never goes anywheres without getting lost!  ;D

LOL! But they never admit to it, of course..... ;)

Pythagorean theorem : 24 Words

The Lord's Prayer : 66 Words

Archimedes' Principle : 67 Words

The 10 Commandments : 179 Words

The Gettysburg Address : 286 Words

The Declaration of Independence : 1,300 Words

The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage : 26,911 Words

(Ahhh...the power of government.)

Subject: The Dachshund


Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They

would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and
removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world
had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and
nobody could
get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up
with a
strange looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because
there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the

Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage,
and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the
American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner

dog."

~ for sincereheart ~ ;)

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked
for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The
judge rose from the bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear
before this court."
He smiled with delight.
"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light'
five hundred times."

oh smart judge LOL  :P

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans
and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan,
'Come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct
airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan,
"Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct
credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."

uh huh!  :D

Oklahoma Howdy to All,

 ;D   ;D

Why is it that the women have the best jokes?  Thanks - I needed those laughs.


The men will have to work on the quality of their material.   ;D

Love In Christ,
Tom

The men will have to work on the quality of their material.  



What's the general concensus?

(http://www.jimlynch.com/images/GroupHug.gif)


The women agree! (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/icon_smile_king.gif)

hmmm...word has it concensus is really spelled consensus and I best correct  ma speeling before the teach bonks me with a book

  (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/ouch_125.gif)

Cute smilie...Makes me wanna give it a kiss on the head..."Poor liddle guy, its okay, we all make mistakes..."

 ;D

LOL ...not sure madam sincereheart will let me off that easily...she may make me  write consensus five hundred times after that joke (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/icon_smile_blush.gif)
 

 :-X

 :P And it would serve you right, now wouldn't it!  :P
And you'd never laugh at a spelling mistake of mine, now would you?  ;)

So just start with one hundred times!  ;D

And you'd never laugh at a spelling mistake of mine, now would you? (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/tapedshut_125.gif)

 :P

So just start with one hundred times!
And no cut and paste!

Those intent on teach-them-a-lesson-by-any-means often rely on  cruel and unusual infliction of punishments, but it seldom results in a truly wise outcome. I cannot consent  to this archaic  method of teaching a lesson, rather adhere to the idea that I should  learn my lesson slowly and well enough that I understand it, so that not repeating the offence will be a naturally occuring  outcome. Writing the said offence a hundred or more times as a form  of ensuring the offender will think twice before he repeats his mistake,  may be necessary in some very difficult circumstances, (such as with the male species) but it isn't true consensus and shouldn't be accepted as standard practice, therefore I highly protesteth :P

No, no, no....

If you can't spell it, then writing it 100 times WILL improve that error. So it's not punitive... just helpful!  ;D

A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 33 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun.
"Excuse me, sister. But are you alright ?" He asked.
She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something wrong?"
The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something."
"But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 33, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that."
Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 33, not the speed limit. The speed limit signs have a MPH at the bottom."
"Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red.
"That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale.
"Sister, what is wrong with your friends? Can I escort you to a hospital ?"
"Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 150."

It WILL?

It is?

Are we still talkin to me?

k so ...how many words could a canuck chipmunk spell if a canuck chipmunk could spell words?  :P

In Teacher's Email (My Wife's):

What are the top 10 ways you can tell that you are a teacher?

1. In public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at random children to correct their behavior.
2. You have no life between August and June.
3. You have gotten really good at the 32 Times Tables.
4. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
5. You try to order lipstick by Crayola color name.
6. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
7. It occurs to you that marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
8. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
9. You can "hold it" for seven hours!
10. Mr. Rambunctious just told his mom that you are the best thing that happened to him all year.

By the way, one of her students is a canuck chipmunk. He is an honor student and won the spelling bee.   ;D

I neer understood why I was neer named a  honor student...I was always honorable  :P

"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which
we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the
Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant
of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police
Farce."

  8)

What if you thought a thought, but the thought you thought wasn't the thought that you thought you thought?

Thanks to Roland for this one:
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington.
Also they track her calves to their stalls.  But they
are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country.

The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
 
   ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

 ;D  I had a dream last night that is troubling me. I dreamed that I was asleep, and I woke up, and I found out that I was asleep.

 ;D  I came home the other night and tried to unlock the house with my car keys. It started right up, so I drove it around the block.

Tom never talk while your still dreaming that your not still talking (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/knockout_125.gif)

IT WAS our first house, and we were avid do-it-yourselfers, full of ambitious plans.  We painted and wallpapered, rebuilt rickety steps and repeatedly mopped and patched a leaky basement.  One Sunday night we fell into bed, exhausted from a weekend of projects.  When I turned out the bedside lamp, a ghostly silver light flooded the room.  "Look," I whispered. "The moon is almost full."  "Don't worry," my husband murmured into his pillow.   "We'll empty it in the morning." (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/sleep_125.gif)

A couple are asleep in their beds late one night, when
the wife thinks she hears a noise downstairs.
She nudges her husband and whispers,
"Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're
eating the broccoli casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" says the husband.

(http://www.jimlynch.com/images/censored_125.gif)

LOL!

I've had that happen before! Very unsettling!

LOL!  I was so hoping you wer`nt one of those normal people Willow!  (http://www.jimlynch.com/images/weeping_125.gif)

ROFL! "Normal" is an insult!  :-X

That`s why I would neer accuse any of my friends of being normal!  (http://home.earthlink.net/~ourcozylittlenest/forum/emoticons/more/ike.gif)

ROFL! And I'm SURE they'd never call you 'normal'!

 ;D

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"
 


This was in my e-mail. Thought you all might get a charge out of it. Perhaps you have seen it and is old hat to you. Oh well have fun again if so.

Ollie

you got that right! (http://home.earthlink.net/~ourcozylittlenest/forum/emoticons/more/ike.gif)

Shoe Shine.....

A new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C., and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them
with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."

 :-X



~This one may only be funny to me.... My dad used to take every vehicle I owned and polish one spot, right on the hood, that I could never, ever match up!  ;D

Classy Cashier.....

It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments for an impromptu BBQ I was having for a few friends while we were watching a college game on the patio.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as I headed for the
limited items express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a rather large woman, completely ignoring the overhead sign, slipped into the check-out line just in front of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

I was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay, when, to my
unexpected delight, the elderly cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward, looked into the cart and asked, ever so
sweetly, "So dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"



~I only hope I live long enough to meet the cashier! ;D

oooo class act!  ;D

      A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts everywhere.  Wherever she touches she is hit with excruciating pain.

      "That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."

      She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

      She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes on her head and screams.

      Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

      The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

      "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

      "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

You're not a kid anymore when ...

* The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.  

* You are proud of your lawnmower.  

* 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."  

* People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"  

* Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.  

* Nobody ever tells you to slow down.  

* You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.  

* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.  

Q.  Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A.  Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

 ;D   ;D  Thanks - I needed this laugh.

I resemble most of these..... :-X

How To Identify The Species Of Bear You Are Looking At.....

1. Go over to him, and kick him in the rump.
2. Run up a nearby tree.

If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear.
If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.

My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a backseat
driver second to none. Eventually, to save our marriage, we
decided to use separate cars to commute.

On my way home from work on the day that I was finally alone
in a car without constant advice, I heard my cell phone ring
as I merged onto a freeway on-ramp.

It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the freeway right
behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And turn on
your lights. It's starting to rain."

  :-X

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny says, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Not to long after this incident happened, Kenny gave up farming, returned to the city and eventually became Martha Stewart's financial advisor...

The Southern Survivor Series.....

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own show entitled "Survivor: Southern Style,"

Participants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.

Each contestants will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
-- Go Yankees!
-- Hillary In 2004
-- I'm A Vegetarian
-- NASCAR Sucks
-- Deer Hunting Is Murder
-- I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

ROFL! ;D

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Sincereheart, there will be no survivors.

(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/s43.gif)

*Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

*A backward poet writes inverse.

*A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

*Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

*Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

*A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

*Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

*Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

*When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

*A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

*What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
 
*Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

*In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

*She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

*A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

*If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

*With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

*When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

*The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

*You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

*Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

*He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

*Every calendar's days are numbered.

*A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
 
*A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

*He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

*A plateau is a high form of flattery.

*A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

*Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

*Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
*Acupuncture is a jab well done.

*"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

Oklahoma Howdy to Sincereheart,

Sister, I know this area is just for women, but let me sneak in here and say thanks for the laughs. I needed that.


Love In Christ,
Tom

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.  He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.  "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.  They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.  Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts off vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse.  Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."  

Ok, the real reason we homeschool..... ;)
(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0TQDdApAYe94EgWfdwha8DluyfFS0Mn33rwP!rNRBomfILAUKHZ9pGpzd0SsdOFKDmBXmh!qKJLshd9OLEJs0gEGMRUweNmsIW!v1qpacRqf82wPBs04a7Q/Youredone.jpg?dc=4675469141005178895)

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" saysone perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northernerscram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

 Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.

 ;D ROFL!  ;D

Hi Family & Friends,
I just got the following letter from a friend.  I read
it with interest and understand the authors'
viewpoint.  Ken

Dear Sir:

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton
Administration I had an extremely good and well paying
job. I took numerous vacations and had
vacations homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my
entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and
became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me
living like an animal, instead of helping me, they
arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat
in the next election.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure
that a Democrat is back in the White House come next
year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your listeners would like to
know how one senior citizen views the Bush
Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.



Sincerely,


Sadaam Hussein

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.



1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.



2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....



3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?



6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.



7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?



8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?



9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is this considered a hostage situation?



10. Is there another word for synonym?



11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"



12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?



13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?



14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?



15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?



16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?



18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?



19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?



20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?



21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?



22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.



23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?



24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????



26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?



27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?



28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?



30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?



31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

  :-X

LOL, You get "TWO"Thumbs UP


<:)))><

now what  ???

A few short jokes.........

"Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should be limited?"  "Absolutely NOT!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as long as everyone else!"

"I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire for some Cracker Jacks ..."

The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ...

(Groaner)

Another sad hunting story...........

Two aggies decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning, and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end they headed home without a single duck! The first aggie said "Do you think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!"
_______________________________

Yet another sad hunting story................

Three aggies were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and were about ready to shoot anything. One aggie forced his way through some bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second aggie nudged him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks!" So, the third aggie shoved his way in, put his head down real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train.

 ;D

Another sad hunting story:

There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other went another way. As it turned out, one of the morons shot the other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first."
________________________________________

UM??

A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeingeye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?"
And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!"

 ;D

DITTO!!!!!





(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

 ;D   ;D  Brothers, I thought they were funny, but I'll look for better material. My wife promised me she would save the jokes that teachers email back and forth. HOWEVER, some of those poor teachers aren't quite right after dealing with 30 kids every day for 25 years.  ;D   ;D

So am I the only one that laughed??  :-X

 ;D

THROW THE DOG HIGHER!

UM??


A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeingeye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?"
And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!"




GROAN!!  




(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

"Car Names Explained"
(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Found On Russian Dump

GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake

GMC - Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO - Put in new transmission often

PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW - Virtually Worthless

They worry about hanky-panky at the voting booths---

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

But she's going to vote.


I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I

got a call from an In-duh-vidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,"Uh. Pacific."

But he's going to vote.
 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when weoverheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

But she's going to vote.


I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher wastalking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on thebattlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests.

One In-duh-vidual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And a few years later, he's going to vote.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.

But she's going to vote.

My friends and I were on a soda run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

But she's going to vote.

I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

But she's going to vote.


My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."

But he's going to vote.

I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing. The cost with tax was $1.02. I only had a $5 bill. The clerk asked if I had two pennies. I said I didn't.

She said, "We'll take a couple from here," and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register. She handed me back my change: $4 in bills.and the two pennies.

But she's going to vote.


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

But she's going to vote.

"I don't think they tax the turkey."  ROFL

Symphony posted a thread on the bonebox that supposedly belonged to Jesus' brother.

I asked what kind of bone it was made of.

I am going to vote.

I looked in the fridge this morning and found an old package of Brie cheese that expired last month.

I opened the package.

I am going to vote

Steven Wright........

I tried to unlock the house with the car key. It started up, so I drove it around the block.

I am going to vote.

You all are putting me in stitches!!!!!!!

We offer you TONTO for President


An Indian walks  into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief,  coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian  drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the  shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.  

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one  hand  pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and  says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!  We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,  anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for presidential position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for  others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

But did you eat it?  :-X

why, would that get her two votes?

Probably would mean that she'd get no vote! Being hospitalized for food poisoning on election day can do that to a person!  ;D

(http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/laughing/lol2.gif)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner and this one had an "Elect John Kerry" bumper sticker on it.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.

   

LOVE IT

++++++++++++++++++


Isn’t today a good day...


By placing our faith in Christ’s shed blood and nothing else, we can have eternal life.  Isn’t today a good day to place your faith in Christ?  There will never be a better time.  In fact, there is no guarantee of another day. Trust Christ today.    


(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

[size=12]ROFL!![/size]
Now thats funny, wonder why I didn't think of something like that!

Sure makes me look forward to retirement, cause I was really dreading the whole golf thing!  ;D

Bumping out of empty space.

OUCH!  watch it with that cane mister  :P

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!  8)

Sorry I didn't see you there. ;D

gonna getcha a seeing eye dog  ;D

Nope, cause I "Bumped" this thread outta olbivion. Or it would have disappered from the threads. Didn't you see the bump sign?

(http://www.ussigncrafters.com/store/prodpics/G-52RA9.GIF)

Now all i`m seeing is yellow spots thanks!  :(

  ;D

A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.  The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road.  So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."

oomph  :-X

It`s all funny!
You girls are so somber! (http://www.painlessshots.org/images/crying%20girl.GIF)

There, there.... don't cry!  :-X

 :P

   :P     ;D

Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"

Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you. I shall worship the ground that you walk on. I shall.... errrr....uhhhhh..... You're NOT going to look like your mother, are you?"
 

 LOL!  ;D

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"


   ;D

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?" she asked!


  ;D

Marriage

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past... but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders....

   ;D

Shylynne,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks Sister!  - I needed those laughs.

(http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20041212/cp.68e8391ca2446bf043d36c503aeff6e3)

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"  She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.  The pastor began to feel bad.  Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.  Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

  ;D

 ;D   ;D  ROFL - Thanks Sister! - I needed that laugh!

That one got my wife and son laughing, too.  ??? ::)

dats what we canucks call an air-head  :-X   ;D

Todays Blessing

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or Return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove Your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain Strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".

May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at Those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.

May the mail you receive not cause you to change Your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel Plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.  

   ;D

 ;D

The Diet Worked:

A blond is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
 
When the blond returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
 
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
 
The blond nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
 
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
 
"No, from skipping!"

 ;D

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but
one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or
explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar!'"

  :-X

 ;D   ;D  I've been to afar before. It grows on you.   ;D   ;D

Southern speak  so amuses me!  ;D

Linda and Jill were chatting over coffee.  

Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee.  I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."

Linda took a sip of her coffee.  "Oww!" she cried.  "There it goes again!"

Said Jill, "Take the spoon out of the cup."  

  ;D

 ;D  UG!! - It grows on you.   ;D

 ;D   ;D

 

Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside.  His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.  Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.

"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.  

  ;D

 ;D   ;D    ;D



Lone Ranger:   Tonto!  We're surrounded by Indians!!

Tonto:   What you mean 'we', Kemosabi?



       :-[

 ;D   ;D  Thanks Symphony! - I needed that laugh.