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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The
neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,  "You were
born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Brother Love :)

    <:)))><

 ;D

ROFL

 :)

LOL!!!  That is TOO funny!!!

 ;D good one brother love  ;D

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."  

A Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."  

A Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"    
 
 

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in the religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A joke thread in the debate thread at Christians Unite making 'other' religions besides your own the butt of the jokes?  

I see nothing  to debate here other than your motives Brother, which begs the question,  is this just a way for you to mock and degrade  those  you don`t agree with?  I see it as such, and  regardless of your intent, I fail to see the humor here,  as I have failed to see Gods love being shown to those of other denominations  in many of these threads.

It concerns me that most people consider their denomination, or whichever church they are affiliated with, their family, and usually if you attack a man`s family he/she will take it very personally, and quickly turn a deaf ear to anything else you have to say that may, or may not be said out of genuine love and concern. This can create a huge stumbling block for some, especially the 'little ones'  in Christ, who in all sincerity have hearts that desire after God, and have found the open door to God in any particular religion.  It is surely possible to show me 'truth' versus 'error' in something my parents may have taught or  failed to teach me, without tearing down my parents.  We are to build upon one anothers faith, not tear down one anothers families.

Religions may be debatable (tho I regard all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour as part of His family and as my brother and sister),  belief and doctrine are definately debatable, but  God`s commandment to have and show unfeigned love towards His own is not.  

The whole of Matthew 18  calls for some serious reflection by all of us on  being ever careful, ever mindful,   not to offend little ones in Christ,  for according to that passage God wont treat our offences lightly. Without question there are many 'little ones' passing thru the corridors of CU,  I  pray they are not offended by how we profess to know God and His love, yet lack  the charity towards one another that would prove our claim true, perhaps forever turning them away from wanting any part of Christianity.  This is not a joking matter.

LOL :) :) :)

You sure do have a lot of HOT AIR :)

You must be one of those PENTECOSTALS :)

Brother Love :)

   <:)))><

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."    
 
 

A baptist pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

This PENTECOSTAL rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."  

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

I Come Quickly  

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."





Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

These are hilarious!

hilarious

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5-11)NIV

your right with what you have to say . ive been saying it for 2 months. but the jokes are funny to bad they werent from tibby . its hard to give brother love credit for being funny.
but sorry guys i got to do it these are funny jokes

Brother, I think that is a sad way to talk to a sister in Christ, especially considering her valid and Biblical post.

Love In Christ,
Tom

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then said, "Beats the heckl out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"    

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Hahaha, that last one was great!

Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest replied! But I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can
teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in
no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his
two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"    

WHO MAKES COFFEE IN YOUR HOUSE?


Did you know it's not right for a woman to make coffee?


Yup, it's in the Bible!


It says.............



"HEBREWS!"

Jokes like that are the reason I pray for Nuclear Holocaust in the next 2 minutes. ;D

SHEESH

double SHEESH

triple SHEESH

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I use the Men's room.  Does that make me a man?  ;D ;D ;D

?????????????????????

WARNING: Exposure to the Son will prevent burning.

(http://www.feebleminds-gifs.com/flash1.gif)


  (http://www.feebleminds-gifs.com/fire-grinning.gif)





Actually, as a matter of fact, I never have decided which is worse, to be a baptist, or a catholic.

   

        ???




(symphony in beeg heep twouble now.  (http://www.feebleminds-gifs.com/bear.gif))


         :-[

 :)


Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and hispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The  third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"  

pedestrians AND Catholics  

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross.  A cop was directing traffic.  Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!"

The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection.

Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.  Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.  Tweeeeeeeet!  "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put.

She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.  The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!"  The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo!  Officer!  Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

PROOF OF GOD

  An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told   the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God. He said,   "God if You are real, then I want You to knock me off this platform.

I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am   God, I'm still waiting" He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The football player walked in the class room and in the last
minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, ...

  "Where did you come from , And why did you do that?"  The football player replied, " God was busy; He sent me!"


  A smile goes a long way towards happiness   :)

LOL

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how  Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his  mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny,  what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “ I’m on the wrong bus!”  
 
 

I have enyed them all Brother Love :)

His Messenger

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about
their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled
the woodwork."

The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"

The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and
baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to
come out of the bottle.  During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother..........Then she added,
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now.  She's hitting the bottle."  

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it.  What he
saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Mama, look what I found",
the boy called out.

" What have you got there, dear?"  

With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

God is Like...

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

a FORD
He's got a better idea.

COKE
He's the real thing.

HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

SEARS
He has everything.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him.

SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

DELTA
He's ready when you are.

ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him?
Don't you wish everybody did?

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

A young lady came home from a date and her mother could see she had been crying. "What's wrong dear?" asked the mother.

"Oh Mom!" said the girl "My boyfriend asked me to marry him tonight!"

"What's the matter dear, don't you love him?" asked the mother.

"I do love him" said the girl... "But tonight he told me that he's an atheist! He doesn't even believe there is a hell mom!!!"

The mother just smiled and said "You marry him anyway ... between the two of us we'll show him just how wrong he is!"

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot    on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has just been revealed by the Indian  Embassy in Washington. When one of these women  gets married, on her wedding night, the husband  scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in  Florida.

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."

Great Religious Truths:

  Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.
   Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
   Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of  the  Christian faith.
   Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 ;D

<:)))><

OMGosh these are very funny Brother Love!! ;D

May I use some of them at Kristi Ann's Haven?!  I think humor is one of the best medicines. ;)

Blessings Bro,  \o/

KristiAnn

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

***********************************

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
      One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

      All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

*************************************

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.  Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.
 
     He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him  Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
 
     As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.  The atheist cried..."GOD DAMN!..."  

     Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  Even the river stopped moving.  As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.

     "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT.  NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR?    AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Why don't you try and make the bear a Christian?"
     "VERY WELL," said the voice.  The light went out.   The river ran.   The sounds of the forest resumed.   ... and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
 

ArtPutey,

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Thanks!! - I needed those laughs.

Tom

Don't mention it. :)

ROFLOL!   me too me too ROFLOL

that first one PRICELESS!   You, though you may not B aware of it, really teaching me something there.

usually the first question i ask is What Denomination are you.  Basically because it helps me know where they are in their walk.  Though always not a good idea.  roflol

Who me? I'm an atheist

Is that your Religion ;D

<:)))><

Er, not quite... ;)

Are you sure? :)

<:)))><

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


 ;D

Vanity Insanity

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."  ;D ;D ;D

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  


 ;D ;D ;D

Brother Love,

 ;D   ;D   ;D  ROFL  -  I must remember to tell my wife that I'm moving.

Same here Bro, LOL ;D



(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

This one is still my FAVORITE:

Baptist/Catholic





John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The
neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,  "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Brother Love  
 

(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)

;D

A  woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas.

 

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

 

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

 

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

 

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
 

 
       
 
 

Good one Ollie, thanks Bro ;D :) ;D :)

A father reading a Bible story to his young children said, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"




Their little son was looking on as Mom and Dad decorated the Christmas tree.  The little son said, "last year everything was from Santa.  You guys didn't give me anything."

Love Both of them, thanks for Posting ;D :) ;D :)

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point?!!" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate
the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

    ;D

WHAT ABOUT METHODIST, OLLIE??    >:(


     ;D ;D


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and hispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


    ;D

"WHAT ABOUT METHODIST, OLLIE??"

Hmmmmm!  Good question. I have no answer for it. Sorry.

ollie

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in the religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."   ;D