Allinal ----

I think I have a hard time believing God loves me.  I mean with really believing it.  I know it - in my heart - I know.  But I have these doubts, because I seem to always be 'rejected'  (at least the way it feels).  I do tend to focus on my 'shortcomings'.

I do understand changing the focus, so I'm focusing on God. I have been reading the Bible, but you are right, I was focusing on what it means to me, not on God, as I read.

Thanks,

Whitehorse ---

I've prayed, many times for God to order my life, and I'm trying to learn to step out of way and let him.  I think that may be the problem. I ask him to do something, then get in his way.  I always feel like I'm in such a rush to get something accomplished.  

Maybe if I ask God for new BRAKE SHOES.  LOL    I don't think I want to ask him to slow me down --- I broke my ankle last time I asked for that.

I'm learning to like who I am - slowly.  I'm finding that I'm a really nice person.

I just feel like so much needs to be accomplished, and I can't seem to get it all done.  

I have a hard time just letting God deal with it, and leaving it at the cross, for him.  I keep trying to pick up the burdens again.

Thanks,

Jan

I know God loves me.  

I just don't know how to sort out the mess I've made of my life.  

It is for acceptance that I've strived for so long.  I've never gotten the acceptance that I want.  Always rejected and pushed out - I know God hasn't done that.  

I realize God forgives.  But how to I correct the mess in my life?

I don't want to continue this way - I want to find a solution.

I don't want to live broke, and I'm tired of working so many hours, I want back my life.  I want the life God has for me.  I just don't know how to get that back.

Or even how to get back to that.

I keep praying praise and asking forgiveness.  But I feel so far away... Like I'm not getting THERE.  Like I'm alone here.

My life is a shambles - and it all started because I was trying to please someone else.  I thought I had to in order to be loved.  I used to be real - but I'm not very real anymore. And I don't know what to do.

I got married late, to a really nice person, or at least I thought so.  He turned out to be a drunk, and abusive, and suicidal.  I left a few weeks later, but I was pregnant.

I came home, worked hard, found a place and raised my daughter, then I met this guy.  I'd known him for a long time and he was a really nice person (to me).  After we dated for a while, I got pregnant.  He didn't want more kids, said he couldn't have children, and denied the baby could be his, but after a few months he asked me to marry him.  I did, just before my second daughter was born.  

I worked really hard to make a home and keep his second business going, but I got to stay home with my girls.  He would scream and yell at me, and the girls had to be almost totally silent when he was there, but he said he wanted to be there, and I kept trying to believe him.  

He insisted I work a lot of hours, doing things for him, and he expected me to support our family life while his money went to other stuff that he wanted.  I kept trying.

He made me take care of the money, except for what he wanted, and I was just supposed to make sure that money was always available to him.  For the most part I managed to do that.

I worked for him, long hours, and worked business stuff on the side, to keep enough money. My whole life became work and my kids.  That summer I lost a baby, and I tried to slow down.  But he just got more demanding.  So I started taking time off, and at first I would tell him, but he was more and more demanding, giving me more and more to do, so I started telling him that I was busy with my own business.  I kept enough business going/money coming in to have enough to take care of us, but I quit trying to make a lot of money.  

"My own business" took on a life of it's own.  I made money - but not as much as I could have if I was working the kind of hours he 'expected' me to work.  But I was still home with my kids, and working part time supporting us.  His money was still mostly his money.  Then he bought a business where I had to be there almost 18 hours a day.  I took the kids to work with me and things were still managable though it was tough.  

Things got really crazy and I got pregnant again.  My husband told me after weeks of silence that he would tolerate that baby but not love it.  I was crushed.  

I'd been a single mom - working HARD to support our family and it got worse.  The business ended three months after the baby was born.  I was sick - really sick.  We moved.  Husband changed careers, making even less money.  I stayed home with the kids, and managed to keep extra money coming in to support us.  Husband wanted me to go to work, but I wanted to stay home.  

I managed the money really well and told him I was still doing MY BUSINESS, and found I was pregnant again.  Husband was terribly mean emotionally at that point.  To me and to the kids.  He also was not there most of the time.  I encouraged him to find family activities, but that wasn't happening, he went out every week for hours on his own, worked extra long hours - most of them for FREE, and was gone most of the time.

I became even more of a single parent.

We relocated again.  Job was 7 days a week, long hours, still very low pay.  Still, with four kids at home, I managed to keep more money coming in on my own than he was making, and managed to work from home.  

Husband complained about my gotcha187.  He didn't like that I worked from home, still wanted me to get a job.  (Honestly, there was no job that would pay what I was making from home, part time.)   I wouldn't tell him what I REALLY did from home.  I just told him a general answer.  

For almost seven months, he didn't work, said he hurt too bad after a car accident.  HE sat in front of a TV and I still made enough money to support us, while he sat there staring at the TV.  I took care of the kids, and kept trying to please him.  I couldn't.  HE was demanding and mean.  Finally he started working, but would charge so little for jobs that we ended up paying the costs for him to do the jobs - as if we were paying for him to work.  I was loosing ground.  

I tried talking to him.  Asked him to see a counselor.  He got a job.  Another long hour job where he was never home.  When he wasn't working, he would go spend time with his friends.  I insisted he go participate in some of the kids activities for a while, but he was so hateful and mean about it that I quit asking.  I was still supporting us.

I worked hard and he started telling people that I had a BIG business that I managed.  Because he was ashamed of what I did at home?  I don't know.  (All honest good work, nothing illegal or demeaning, just very much homemaker type work.)  I started accepting his 'description' and that business became bigger than life.  He started telling people I was going to see clients one time when I had a Dr. appointment with him, he didn't want to tell them he was going to a Dr.  So people started asking me about this business.  I didn't ever tell anyone really what I did, just - "yeah I went to _______ yesterday"  and drop it.

When he moved out a few months later.  People assumed I would be okay because of 'my business' and I kept working hard and it was okay.  We did fine.  HE didn't provide support.  

My parents helped out and I worked hard, so we were okay.

I didn't have any extra money for a divorce, so I didn't file it.  He left and obviously wasn't coming back.  After two years, I wasn't really interested in having him back.  

Still there is no support.  My parents split up a few months ago, and things are really rocky here.  I've been unable to keep things going, because of the added stress.

Some health problems, my parents needing someone to talk to, and a daughter ready for college.  

I'm BROKE.  The business was day to day income, no residual, and I can't keep it up with all the stress.  Everyone needs a part of me, and there is nothing left.  

I promised my daughter college, and it's looking very much like I can't afford to send her.  I have bills due that I can't pay.  I wanted to buy a house, and I was using  my "very real" business income to base my loan papers on, but I can't seem to keep the income up to what it was.  I have to move from where I'm at, but I can't find a place to rent, and my income is not sufficient at this point to purchase.

My parents are counting on my financial help - and I don't have anything to help with.  My sister doesn't talk to me. She's married to a coke addict and I won't put up with him around my children.  

It sucks to be me right now....

I am a Bible believing Christian.  I believe in God.  But I feel like all these Lies and Justifications have got me on the fast road to hell....

I don't know what to do.  I try to stop.  I try to pray.  I try to be totally honest and tell people what is going on, and they ask me to do something else, and I end up just crying and hurting more... Trying to be more to somebody else....

Help!