Things That Make You Go "Doh!"

[nChrist]

Brothers and Sisters,

Some of you might not know about the Christians Unite Jail. If not, take a look and have some fun:

Jail Thread

We had quite a bit of fun in that thread, and nearly everyone on Christians Unite was arrested and jailed at one time or another.  

Love In Christ,
Tom

John 17:11 NASB  "I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are.

[nChrist]

Dictionary For Parents:

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to consider having another child.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[nChrist]

Oxymoron's:


"Now, then"
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Affordable housing
Airline Food
Almost exactly
Alone together
Business ethics
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Civil War
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Everything except
Exact estimate
Extinct Life
Found missing
Freezer Burn
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good kid
Government organization
Great depression
Happily married
Holy war
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Legally drunk
Living dead
Loners Club
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
Minor Catastrophe
Near miss
New and improved
New classic
Passive aggressive
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Postal Service
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Sensitive man
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
United nations
Women's rights
Working vacation

[nChrist]

Slogans and Brands Gone Bad:

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

[nChrist]

Great Witticisms:

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free... taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

If, a two letter word for futility

I don't care, I don't have to.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

I'm just driving this way to make you mad.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

I love cats ... dead ones.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

[airIam2worship]

Oxymoron's:


"Now, then"
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Affordable housing
Airline Food
Almost exactly
Alone together
Business ethics
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Civil War
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Everything except
Exact estimate
Extinct Life
Found missing
Freezer Burn
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good kid
Government organization
Great depression
Happily married
Holy war
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Legally drunk
Living dead
Loners Club
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
Minor Catastrophe
Near miss
New and improved
New classic
Passive aggressive
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Postal Service
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Sensitive man
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
United nations
Women's rights
Working vacation

you forgot
bitter sweet

[Shammu]

You also forgot, new, used car

[John 3:16]

LOL  i am glad because if you was in jail we would really Miss you here

My You Have A Blessed Day

 you would miss me too right John 3:16?

YES I WOULD  

[airIam2worship]

 

[TalkerCat]

Oh, but Sister Marial If you were in jail, who'd visit ME?  

[airIam2worship]

Oh, but Sister Marial If you were in jail, who'd visit ME?  

Terri, Praise God that neither of us can go to jail, we have been set free. Our Advocate is Faithful and Just, He set us free.  

[TalkerCat]

Besides, an amphibian cannot be jailed and we're both FROGs !  

Forever Relying On God !!

Blessings -

[TalkerCat]

OK it's obvious that someone needs to tell me how to use the bold, italics, underscore, yada yada yada!  This isn't word perfect, is it?   And while we're at it how do you use the YABBC tags?

I was trying to say FROG: Forever Relying On God  

Blessings -

[Soldier4Christ]

Hi Terri,

After pressing the B button move the cursor back into the middle of them and type the data you want.   i.e    [b}F[/b}   I used the } character where ] character should be so that it would display so you could see it. I fixed your post so it would show the way you wanted it.

[airIam2worship]

OK it's obvious that someone needs to tell me how to use the bold, italics, underscore, yada yada yada!  This isn't word perfect, is it?   And while we're at it how do you use the YABBC tags?

I was trying to say FROG: Forever Relying On God  

Blessings -

LOL Terri, I had the same exact problem, PR had to walk me thru all that.
PR I am nominating you as the proferssor for CU Forum 101  .  Also known "How to use the yabba thingy"for dummies!