BULL

[Ambassador4Christ]

The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Man Say:

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat  grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is...........................

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Bruce died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead!"
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

I just saw this. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet -including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!

Maybe we should start up a petition or something protesting this. What do you think?

Go to the website and check it out. It's unbelievable!!! Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file.

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove"

http://www.license.shorturl.com  
   
 

[Symphony]

HAHAHA.  Very funny, Ambassador.

[Ambassador4Christ]

Female President?

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions.  First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;  second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.  Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?  Oh, that's right its question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up;  Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions.  First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;  second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell go 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

[Ambassador4Christ]

CAMPING WITH THE LONE RANGER






The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set
up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."


"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.


Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you,

Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."  

[Ambassador4Christ]

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
 

[Symphony]

Amb, I heard the one 'bout the Lone Ranger, 'cept it was Sherlock Holmes and Watson, under the tent.  Hehe.  Good joke.

A lot of yours are good, Amb.  Thanks.  I take it you're a mechanical engineer?  Unemployed(hehe)??  Sorry, couldn't resist.

Here's a lawyer joke(hehe):

A hugh corporation needs an executive to runs its hugh new account it just won.  Three guys apply for the job, an engineer, an economist, and a lawyer.

Human Resources asks the engineer in.  "Sir," says HR, "if you can answer the question to this problem, you've got the job".  He reads off the question.  The engineer stokes his pocket protector(hehe--couldn't resist) for a moment.  Suddenly, he whips out his calculator, punches in hugh amounts of data, and reads back the answer, "Um, according to the hyperbole of the hypotenuse squared over the millionth root of blah, blah, blah..."  HR says, "okay, good, we'll let you know."

Next in HR reads the same question.  The economist stares throughtfully out the window.  Whips out his calculator, then says, "Yep.  According to the supply quotient vs. demand, depending on the cube of the root squared, blah blah blah, ..."  "Okay," says HR, "we'll call you.   Thank you."

Then in comes the lawyer.  HR reads the same question.  Lawyer stares at HR for a moment, jumps up, runs to the windows, yanks down the shades, slams the door shut, rushes back to his chair, sits down, looks HR in the eye and whiispers very quietly, "What would you like the answer to be?"

[Ambassador4Christ]

Thanks Symphony, and I liked the joke  

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
 
 
 
 
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brus h made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?All done?
Check your answers below!
 
 
 
 
 
 
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
What color is a purple finch?
*Crims on
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
 
What do you mean you failed?

[Symphony]

Yep, good point, Amb.  I failed mostly.   I "thought" catgut was from pig intestines, wasn't sure.  But I missed most of them.

[Ambassador4Christ]

Yep, good point, Amb.  I failed mostly.   I "thought" catgut was from pig intestines, wasn't sure.  But I missed most of them.

Same here Bro  

[Ambassador4Christ]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[nChrist]

I just saw this. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet -including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!

Maybe we should start up a petition or something protesting this. What do you think?

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

I do wish to protest. They put your picture on my license.  

In Christ.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to All,

Subject: Magic Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,


"Go get your mother.

[nChrist]

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?" —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay." —Jay Leno

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'd rather die and we'd rather kill him." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" —Jay Leno

"They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch." —David Letterman

"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy — he's one of their own." —Jay Leno

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news — they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel." —David Letterman

"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there." —Jay Leno

"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army." —Conan O'Brien

"Germany is now saying that they won’t go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." —Jay Leno