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Author Topic: (Singles) How do you get over what never was?  (Read 1664 times)
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« on: October 17, 2005, 04:43:13 PM »

Singles/Marrieds/Women I have this Issue, this serious issue. It might sound a bit Kernal minded to some of you but I need help.

When I was 20 years old my eyes laid upon this beautiful man of God. I was impressed by his personality and love for God. However, I felt like I didn't have a chance. I threw it into the back of mind and basically gave up. About 6 months later I turned 21 and my family suprised me with a birthday party. They had secretly invided him, however, he could not attend due to an event he had scheduled that day. About a week later he called to apologize and to say he wished could have been there. After that things seemed to take off. We spoke often at church where he would often complement and encouragement me. About this time I felt myself falling for him so I prayed and asked the Lord to help me not do anything outside his Will. I asked God to take the desire away from me if it was not his Will. However, things progressed and he admitted his feelings for me to my sister. By then I was convinced wholeheartedly he was the Man God had for me. We had many similarities as well as crucial complementaries to each other...He's buisness minded/I'm creative, He's the oldest of three/I'm the youngest. He's good leader/ where as I follow. He's more outgoing/I'm on the shy side. His mother was in love with me, my mother liked him.....I felt he buisness major could really help the ministry I'm trying to get off the groud. It all fit.

I was totally convinced until about two weeks later when I started having dreams of people dying. God told me this was not a natural death but rather a spritual one. Something in my life was about to die. Low and behold it did. It was as if he fell from the face of the earth. When I saw him he acted as if I weren't alive. In fact, he avoided me. My heart was totally crushed. I had passed up other men of God so that I could be open for him...Only to get dumped.  

This is the part I need help with. It's been 3 three years since this happened and I still can't shake him. I can't get closure. I've prayed and fasted + tried to have an exorcism service with myself to draw out the spirit of vain imaginations ...lol. I've read books and ofcourse there is the whole "He's Just Not That Into You Revolution". But these things only seem to confuse me the more.

Sometimes I sit and dread the day someone gives me the news that he gotten married. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Can anyone help me. Has anyone experienced this. Please don't laugh at me. I'm open to hear anything I can.
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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2005, 01:26:57 AM »

Hi Waiting on God, it is difficult to not have closure.  Are you saying you didn't confront him 3 years ago about why he changed so much toward you?  

Is it possible for you to contact him once and for all, so you can have closure and move on?  

I suppose it's possible that once things got serious, he got scared and backed away.  Since you are still thinking about him so much, it might be good to find out what he is doing now.  If he is with someone else, then you will then know you can leave the special time you had together, behind you.

continue to seek the Lord's will.  Praying for you...

...all things were created by Him and for Him...Col. 1:16
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« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2005, 08:02:45 PM »

Butterflies Thanx so much for responding

Ya know I would confront him but it's just not that easy. He's a minister and my paticular religion teaches strictly against women confronting men. Especially about relationships and especially a minister. Sometimes it seems like confronting him would be more hurtful than what I'm experiencing right now. I can just imagine all the talk that others would have to say. I would never live it down. Especially if he rejects me or is dating someone. I just feel I would be out of place. Please continue to pray for me. Pray that I will allow myself to see the truth and move on...However, this is something that's easier said than done.
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« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2005, 08:12:39 PM »

I think an obession would imply that I've been doing something to keep in contact with him or perhaps get him involved. I don't know of any obsessives who voluntarily separate themselves from the person and seek God. As far as my dream: there is no way for me to prove that God talks to me or that he talks to anyone for that matter. We believe in the words that God has inspired those who wrote in the bible only by faith. There is no way to prove that He spoke to paul, noah, Isaiah... Or any character from the bible...However, we believe. And I believe God spoke to me warning me of his distant behavior..Why? Because God cares about his people. Even the little things.

As far as the "friendship" that we had, maybe I failed to mention that most of the time it was him who contacted or confronted me. I was so scared of being hurt I never assumed that there was anything. I always feel you should give the person enough space to make up their own mind you. It was only after he admitted feelings for me that felt serious about him.

The length of time? I've known this man since I was 13 years old and he was 15.

If I just wanted to be in love there were many others at the time willing to oblige.

At this point, I have heard, that he's having some problems financially and really going through some storms in his life. It would just be nice to know the specifics and if I have done anything to hurt or offend him.
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« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2005, 05:24:39 PM »

Who said I thought he was the "only One" for me, or "Gods Plan" Where did that come from? When he stoped talking to me I knew a future with him didn't look too promising. Maybe you're stereotyping my situation with similar others that you have heard. Read my original post. I said I wanted closure. Closure
doesn't mean I neccessarily want this to end in a relationship.
When I said I was afraid of the news of him getting married. I know this will mean I will never have a chance to talk to him on that level. When a man gets a wife, the last thing a single woman wants to do is go to him and bring up the past.

There were many other people involved between he and I communicating. for instance, his mother, his friends, my friends. It would be nice to know that something wasn't said to bring strife or confusion.

He never said he "loved" me, he said he had feelings and was intrested/ thats different. Love is a process.

In addition, I don't know of any man who's gonna say "I'm not sure about you, but can we keep in touch until I am.....until I find a job....want kids.....or just want to be bothred." This is highly unrealstic. Men have a hard time expressing their feelings as it is. If they're not sure they pretty much shut down until they are. This goes especially for younger men who are already confused and trying to find themselves.

Men are not as worried about "the One" getting away as women are. If she's taken they'll find someone else.

And lets discuss this obession thing. So you're saying that anything that "interferes with someone's life" is therefore an obsession. I find that to be highly out of balance. This is just one thing that I pray about. I pray for our country, unwed mothers, marriages of others, the will of God, my employment situation , my ministry. I guess this means these are obsessions as well. Or maybe they're just concerns. As we all have concerns and worries.

The only technique I know of is prayer and fasting.  

Or may the theory is that whatever we face, we should just get over it. However, I don't know of any situaition that's that easy.
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« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2005, 01:25:38 PM »

Can I please comment!

I have been reading this post for about a week now as a guest. I decieded I should say something.

Firstly, to the original poster. Baby, let me tell you, I've been there and done that. I had one man lead me on for 2 years and that ended in nothing and another one 3 that ended in marriage. The only thing I can tell you is to trust God with your heart.

If it is his will He will bring it to past. If is not His will it will be buried forever.

It seems like you're afriad to go through or to have your heart broken and be disappointed. I can fully confess to you, my sister in christ, YOU CAN ENDURE. If God doesn't bless you with him it's only because he has something better.

I know this sounds redundant, as you have read many books before, but I would suggest "What becomes of the broken heart" by michelle hammond. As well as "just enough light for the step i'm on" Stormie Omartian.

Sometimes we may not know how tommorow will turn out but can rest in the fact that we serve a loving awesome God.

And to the Poster "M":

If you're trying to counsel someone, it may not be a good Idea to start off by saying they're obssesive. That just seemed a little cold-hearted to me. There is a way to get your point across without being negative. I find obssession not to be a laughing matter as in the case of my younger brother who was stalked and obssesed over by his mentally-ill girlfriend. She eventually killed my brother. Do we really want to associate saints as being this kind of person.

The bible says with loving-kindness have I drawn thee.
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« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2005, 01:53:51 PM »

Hello Firehouse,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. There are many more of these types of situations arising in the world today. It shows just how the devil is taking hold of some people.

You seem to be quite wise in the ways of the Lord. I hope to see more posts from you.

Sometimes when counseling it is best to be blunt and to the point. However in this situation I must agree with you. I don't believe that obsession is quite on target. Perhaps bordering on it but not obsession to the point that you are talking about, which is an all consuming, out of control response to the situation.  This is quite obviously not the case with WaitingOnGod or she would not be concerned with other things such as what her religious beliefs are in regards to this.


I understand your wanting closer on this one way or another. There will always be a question of what might have been and what part that you may or may not have had in his actions without this closer. Sometimes we are not permitted this luxury in life. If it is Gods will that you are to be together then this will be cleared up and you will be brought together. Stay strong in the Lord, pray about it, give it to His hands. Then move on with your life.


Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
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