Prayer for change

[RachelRH]

Hello. My name is Rachel and I am fairly new.

I have pretty much hit a point in my life where there are walls on all four sides of me. I either have to climb the ladder or stay inside the four walls. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, but I am a Christian with a gambling addiction. Everyone says you have to help yourself, and I have. I am going to Gamblers Anonymous now, with my husband, who is also a compulsive gambler.

I am so tired of dealing with baggage in my life. I hate who I am. I have a hard time being satisfied in my marriage. I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and my husband has been a saint putting up with me when I have a flair up. I am just not happy. I cannot even commit to God. I try, but my idea of committing to God is have a time schedule, on this day I read this passage from the Bible and pray for this person. I am not a committment person. I want God in my life, but over and over again, I don't feel like I am worthy of God's love. Even the most evil in the world is worthy of God's love, but I have this belief that I am not. They say you are your own worst enemy, and I am. I hate myself. I am so upset right now-----cuz of our finances and having two beautiful dogs, I cannot run away, and separate from my husband. I want to. I want to be alone in my depression.

There are some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want things to be different. And, the saddest thing is, I desire for a man, not my husband, to hold me and to truly understand what I am going thru. I know that this is very wrong, but this is how I feel. My husband says that no man would ever put up with what he has to put up with. I am just a loser.

I wish I could get over this feeling of hating myself, cuz then maybe I would not have such bitter feelings toward my husband.

I am sorry for the long post. I am just really lost right now. Usually I know how to get up and keep walking, but right now

I am stuck. God is not pleased with me, I know. Maybe it is better if I just give up and run away. No one would miss me and they would all be better off without me around. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know there are many people out there who have a reason to feel as low as I do, losing a child, having cancer, losing a soldier, a loved one in Iraq. I don't deserve God's mercy. I don't deserve any love. I am just a big fat loser...I am not feeling sorry for myself, only stating the truth. I really am a loser.

Rachel

[2nd Timothy]

Rachel,

I really feel your pain in this post, my heart goes out to you.  Where to start?

First of all, you most certainly are not a looser.   You were knit together by God in a wonderful way.  You are His creation, and He Loves you enough to give His own Son up for you.   So lets toss that one right out, OK?      

Sin will most certainly take its toll on our lives, when we let it creep in.   I think many times, hitting rock bottom is actually where the turning point is.  Why?   Because thats when we turn to God earnestly from a broken heart.  Rest assured Rachel, that God has not foresaken you.  He's been waiting for you to reach out to Him and let Him bear the burden for you.  His Grace and Mercy is endless.   His Love knows no boundries.   Just lay your sin on Him.  He still forgives today!

I definitely be praying for you Rachel.  I would also encourage you, if you are able, to talk with a local pastor or minister.   That can be a huge help during this time.


Grace and Peace!

[Soldier4Christ]

Hi, Rachel. I don't think that I have welcomed you to the forum yet, so welcome.

I am so glad that you came to us with this prayer request. It shows that you want help and that it is in your heart to change. As 2T said when we are at our lowest is when we need Jesus the most. He is our strength and our peace. Turn to him and give it all to him. When you feel that you can no longer deal with things go to Him in parayer. There is no need for a time schedule when it comes to this. Praying to Him is anytime anywhere that you need to and times when you don't need to.

As hard as it may be when you first wake up in the morning, Praise God. When you feel depressed, Praise God. When someone says something hurtful to you, Praise God. When you feel anger towards someone, Praise God. When you feel the urge to sin, Praise God.  Before you go to sleep, Praise God. Praise Him all the day long and give Him thanks. You will soon see that your day will be much brighter.

Psa 43:5  Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Psa 106:47  Save us, O LORD our God, and gather us from among the heathen, to give thanks unto thy holy name, and to triumph in thy praise.

My prayers go with you.

[RachelRH]

Thank you all for responding. I see a way to make things better now. It is just hard to stand up and face the music.

Rachel

[nChrist]

Thank you all for responding. I see a way to make things better now. It is just hard to stand up and face the music.

Rachel

Sister Rachel,

I was just praying for you and saw this recent post. I want to ask you to please always remember something: you are never alone now. JESUS is always with you and we can all lay down at His feet with our burdens. YES! - JESUS will help us through another day and will carry part of our burden if we just ask.

Sister, I'll be praying for you.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[2nd Timothy]

Psa 139:1  For the choir director. A Psalm of David. O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
Psa 139:2  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.
Psa 139:3  You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4  Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
Psa 139:5  You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Psa 139:6  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Psa 139:7  Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
Psa 139:8  If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
Psa 139:9  If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Psa 139:10  Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
Psa 139:11  If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"
Psa 139:12  Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psa 139:13  For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.
Psa 139:15  My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Psa 139:16  Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
Psa 139:17  How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Psa 139:18  If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.


Oh Lord, we thank you for Rachel and bringing her into our midst.   We ask for you loving kindness to shine on Rachel this day.   Lord you have ordained all the days of her life, before she was even born.   Let your hand rest upon her life and comfort her heart.  Strengthen her Father, that she may know that you are on her side, even in the midst of her trials and failures.  Give her an unquenchable thirst for your word.  We ask that you help your daughter through this valley, and set her feet on the rock of Christ, and the path that you have chosen for her life.   Let your love and forgivness envelope the depths of her heart.  

We Praise you Father, and thank you for hearing our prayers, We ask these things in the name of your blessed Son, Jesus Christ.

[RachelRH]

I am sorry to disappoint everyone who has helped me. I truly appreciate your prayers. But, today has even got worse. I am so angry and don't know why. Just mad at the world and everything around me, especially my husband.

I told him last nite I was very depressed and was going to bed early, 6pm. All he said to me was, "can I have the checkbook?" so he could make out bills. I give up. I am tired of asking for help. I am tired of asking for prayer. I know I have to help myself, but I am so burnt out. I feel like I want to be done with my life, right now.

Rachel

[Soldier4Christ]

I am sorry to disappoint everyone who has helped me. I truly appreciate your prayers. But, today has even got worse. I am so angry and don't know why. Just mad at the world and everything around me, especially my husband.

I told him last nite I was very depressed and was going to bed early, 6pm. All he said to me was, "can I have the checkbook?" so he could make out bills. I give up. I am tired of asking for help. I am tired of asking for prayer. I know I have to help myself, but I am so burnt out. I feel like I want to be done with my life, right now.

Rachel

Please don't think that I am taking your husbands side in this but do you think that perhaps he is tired of dealing with things also or perhaps he just doesn't know how to deal with the situation.

You are right about needing to face this situation and to take the steps required to deal with it. God has given you what you need to do. Now it is up to you to take the right steps and ending your life is not that answer.

[JudgeNot]

Rachel - I've been where you're at.
I'm not talking without experience.
Breath deep.
Work as hard as you can to picture Jesus' face, and the feeling of His arms holding you.  The feeling you get from being held by someone who loves you more than anyone at anytime.  Feel the warm tears on His cheek as he embraces you.  He loves you so much.  Just let him love you.  Don't be afraid to cry your eyes out.  (I still do that regularly.)

Just let go and let Him love you.  You'll love Him in return - guaranteed.

We love you, too.  Never deny love from anyone.  Including yourself.  It's okay to love yourself.    

Do you have someone to call?  Another Christian?  Please call them - don't wait - they're waiting to talk with you.  They love you.

[nChrist]

Psalms 23:1  A Psalm of David. THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.
Psalms 23:2  He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters. [Rev. 7:17.]
Psalms 23:3  He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name's sake.
Psalms 23:4  Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.
Psalms 23:5  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.
Psalms 23:6  Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.  (The Amplified Bible)


Sister Rachel,

Please, ask your husband to kneel with you before God and pray. Let the LORD refresh and restore you. HIS goodness, mercy and unfailing love are real. I will be praying for you.

Love in Christ,
Tom

[RachelRH]

Pastor Roger---You mentioned something about my husband being tired of dealing with it, too. But, he does not feel guilt as strongly as I do. He can get over it before we even get home from the casino. I am still dealing with it. I said one word to him tonite, "hi". I am crying as I write this, cuz I feel so angry at him, I am not giving up on our marriage, but tonite I just don't care about anything.

Thank you to the rest, for your encouragement and support. I will try and let Jesus hold me tonite. I am too broken though, to let anyone in. I didn't realize that addictions can destroy your soul like it is destroying mine. I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I just don't feel like I have a right to feel anything anymore. I am close to giving up. Just living each day till Jesus comes, and pray that He takes me, even though I don't deserve to go to Heaven. Suicide is not an option, cuz no one knows for sure if they will go to hell and I don't want to take that chance.

There is so much anger. So much hurt. I don't know what to do with it. When someone asks me to explain it, I can't. I just know that I am angry.

My husband knows that I have OCD and depression, he knows when I am hurting, and he does nothing. I am all alone. I can't even go to God. I thought that your spouse is supposed to be there for you, in sickness and in health. Am I that bad of a person that he cannot show me he loves me. Maybe he does not love me, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

Thank you for your prayers and listening to my pathetic cry for help...
Rachel

[cris]

Hello. My name is Rachel and I am fairly new.

I have pretty much hit a point in my life where there are walls on all four sides of me. I either have to climb the ladder or stay inside the four walls. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, but I am a Christian with a gambling addiction. Everyone says you have to help yourself, and I have. I am going to Gamblers Anonymous now, with my husband, who is also a compulsive gambler.

I am so tired of dealing with baggage in my life. I hate who I am. I have a hard time being satisfied in my marriage. I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and my husband has been a saint putting up with me when I have a flair up. I am just not happy. I cannot even commit to God. I try, but my idea of committing to God is have a time schedule, on this day I read this passage from the Bible and pray for this person. I am not a committment person. I want God in my life, but over and over again, I don't feel like I am worthy of God's love. Even the most evil in the world is worthy of God's love, but I have this belief that I am not. They say you are your own worst enemy, and I am. I hate myself. I am so upset right now-----cuz of our finances and having two beautiful dogs, I cannot run away, and separate from my husband. I want to. I want to be alone in my depression.

There are some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want things to be different. And, the saddest thing is, I desire for a man, not my husband, to hold me and to truly understand what I am going thru. I know that this is very wrong, but this is how I feel. My husband says that no man would ever put up with what he has to put up with. I am just a loser.

I wish I could get over this feeling of hating myself, cuz then maybe I would not have such bitter feelings toward my husband.

I am sorry for the long post. I am just really lost right now. Usually I know how to get up and keep walking, but right now

I am stuck. God is not pleased with me, I know. Maybe it is better if I just give up and run away. No one would miss me and they would all be better off without me around. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know there are many people out there who have a reason to feel as low as I do, losing a child, having cancer, losing a soldier, a loved one in Iraq. I don't deserve God's mercy. I don't deserve any love. I am just a big fat loser...I am not feeling sorry for myself, only stating the truth. I really am a loser.

Rachel

Rachel,

Forgive me if what I'm about to say is wrong.  I seem to read between lines.  You're feeling abandoned, ignored and want attention (not a bad thing ).  You call yourself a Christian and a loser.  You are either one or the other.  You have to make a choice.  God's children are not losers.  They can suffer depression and a host of other maladies, but they aren't losers.  It's like love being a choice and not a feeling.  Love is something you choose to do.  May I suggest that you take time and ask God to come into your heart and help you change into a person who knows they're not a loser?  I know that it's difficult to praise God when you're feeling low but try it anyway.  You don't have to praise Him for what is happening in your life, but just praise Him in ALL things because He knows what's happening.  He's IN ALL things. Tell Him you would like to understand why you feel the way you do.  Just lay all of these problems at His feet and KNOW that He will answer you.

Do you have a church that you attend?  If not, do you think you could start calling around to find a Christian psychologist?  This is just terrible for you to be suffering the way you are.  I really feel some counseling would be helpful.

I just asked God what it is that I could say to you to help you feel better and here's what He said, "tell her to give what she herself needs."  Well Rachel, you are the only one who knows what this means.  Could you make yourself volunteer at a place that could use your help?  There you'll be able to love on people and give them hugs.  Being depressed, you are going to HAVE to make yourself do it.

You've gotten many verses in the bible to read so I won't give you more of them.

Make a decision and stick to it, ya hear .

I feel your pain, girl.  Hang in there and just cry out to our Father in heaven.  Lay it all at His feet and ask Him to direct your steps.  He will!

Grace and peace,
cris

[cris]

Pastor Roger---You mentioned something about my husband being tired of dealing with it, too. But, he does not feel guilt as strongly as I do. He can get over it before we even get home from the casino. I am still dealing with it. I said one word to him tonite, "hi". I am crying as I write this, cuz I feel so angry at him, I am not giving up on our marriage, but tonite I just don't care about anything.

Thank you to the rest, for your encouragement and support. I will try and let Jesus hold me tonite. I am too broken though, to let anyone in. I didn't realize that addictions can destroy your soul like it is destroying mine. I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I just don't feel like I have a right to feel anything anymore. I am close to giving up. Just living each day till Jesus comes, and pray that He takes me, even though I don't deserve to go to Heaven. Suicide is not an option, cuz no one knows for sure if they will go to hell and I don't want to take that chance.

There is so much anger. So much hurt. I don't know what to do with it. When someone asks me to explain it, I can't. I just know that I am angry.

My husband knows that I have OCD and depression, he knows when I am hurting, and he does nothing. I am all alone. I can't even go to God. I thought that your spouse is supposed to be there for you, in sickness and in health. Am I that bad of a person that he cannot show me he loves me. Maybe he does not love me, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

Thank you for your prayers and listening to my pathetic cry for help...
Rachel

Rachel,

I know you just addressed your post to Pastor Roger but I thought I might respond too.  It doesn't appear that your husband has the capacity to care for you in the way you need.  You are needing to get yourself some good Christian counseling..................please.  I know you will be glad you did.  Temporarily, that counselor can fill that void in your life until you get back on the right track.

Seeing Jesus holding and hugging you tonight, sleep tight.

Grace and peace,
cris

 

[Soldier4Christ]

Rachel,

I don't know your husband so I was giving several possibilities of reasons for his actions in this situation. From what you have said I agree with Cris. Your husband does not have what you need. Is it because he does not understand those feelings or doesn't know how to deal with them??

I also agree with Cris' suggestions on talking to a minister or a Christian councellor/phsycologist.

[RachelRH]

Hello everyone---

To answer a few of your questions:
I have a psychologist I see, as I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I saw him when I was in the hospital in December, when I tried to kill myself, and he has become my doctor. It just so happens that he is also a Christian, and has really been helping me get my faith back. He said to me last nite at my session, "Rachel, there are so many people that I see that don't have what you have, a faith to build on," something like that he said. It made me think. It is a blessing that I found him, there are only 3 doctors in MN that practice the e and rp therapy that is used for OCD, and he is only 15 miles away, praise God!

Today I am really very numb. I don't have much feelings about anything, really. And maybe that is okay, cuz then I don't have to be in despair, even if it only lasts for a day.

I want to tell you that I am so blessed by the way you care for me. I see you all trying to help me, and giving me help, and Scripture and prayers. Please know that I take all your stuff very seriously. I appreciate what you have given me. Can I ask you something? Can you hang with me till I get over this slump? I may not be able to do the things you tell me to do yet, but I have them in my mind. I want to kneel at His feet and ask forgiveness, and give Him my burdens. I just can't right now, but I know it will be coming soon.

Please don't give up on me. I am awake now, just gotta "get dressed".

God bless all of you,
Rachel