I'm not REAL

[annette]

My life is a shambles - and it all started because I was trying to please someone else.  I thought I had to in order to be loved.  I used to be real - but I'm not very real anymore. And I don't know what to do.

I got married late, to a really nice person, or at least I thought so.  He turned out to be a drunk, and abusive, and suicidal.  I left a few weeks later, but I was pregnant.

I came home, worked hard, found a place and raised my daughter, then I met this guy.  I'd known him for a long time and he was a really nice person (to me).  After we dated for a while, I got pregnant.  He didn't want more kids, said he couldn't have children, and denied the baby could be his, but after a few months he asked me to marry him.  I did, just before my second daughter was born.  

I worked really hard to make a home and keep his second business going, but I got to stay home with my girls.  He would scream and yell at me, and the girls had to be almost totally silent when he was there, but he said he wanted to be there, and I kept trying to believe him.  

He insisted I work a lot of hours, doing things for him, and he expected me to support our family life while his money went to other stuff that he wanted.  I kept trying.

He made me take care of the money, except for what he wanted, and I was just supposed to make sure that money was always available to him.  For the most part I managed to do that.

I worked for him, long hours, and worked business stuff on the side, to keep enough money. My whole life became work and my kids.  That summer I lost a baby, and I tried to slow down.  But he just got more demanding.  So I started taking time off, and at first I would tell him, but he was more and more demanding, giving me more and more to do, so I started telling him that I was busy with my own business.  I kept enough business going/money coming in to have enough to take care of us, but I quit trying to make a lot of money.  

"My own business" took on a life of it's own.  I made money - but not as much as I could have if I was working the kind of hours he 'expected' me to work.  But I was still home with my kids, and working part time supporting us.  His money was still mostly his money.  Then he bought a business where I had to be there almost 18 hours a day.  I took the kids to work with me and things were still managable though it was tough.  

Things got really crazy and I got pregnant again.  My husband told me after weeks of silence that he would tolerate that baby but not love it.  I was crushed.  

I'd been a single mom - working HARD to support our family and it got worse.  The business ended three months after the baby was born.  I was sick - really sick.  We moved.  Husband changed careers, making even less money.  I stayed home with the kids, and managed to keep extra money coming in to support us.  Husband wanted me to go to work, but I wanted to stay home.  

I managed the money really well and told him I was still doing MY BUSINESS, and found I was pregnant again.  Husband was terribly mean emotionally at that point.  To me and to the kids.  He also was not there most of the time.  I encouraged him to find family activities, but that wasn't happening, he went out every week for hours on his own, worked extra long hours - most of them for FREE, and was gone most of the time.

I became even more of a single parent.

We relocated again.  Job was 7 days a week, long hours, still very low pay.  Still, with four kids at home, I managed to keep more money coming in on my own than he was making, and managed to work from home.  

Husband complained about my gotcha187.  He didn't like that I worked from home, still wanted me to get a job.  (Honestly, there was no job that would pay what I was making from home, part time.)   I wouldn't tell him what I REALLY did from home.  I just told him a general answer.  

For almost seven months, he didn't work, said he hurt too bad after a car accident.  HE sat in front of a TV and I still made enough money to support us, while he sat there staring at the TV.  I took care of the kids, and kept trying to please him.  I couldn't.  HE was demanding and mean.  Finally he started working, but would charge so little for jobs that we ended up paying the costs for him to do the jobs - as if we were paying for him to work.  I was loosing ground.  

I tried talking to him.  Asked him to see a counselor.  He got a job.  Another long hour job where he was never home.  When he wasn't working, he would go spend time with his friends.  I insisted he go participate in some of the kids activities for a while, but he was so hateful and mean about it that I quit asking.  I was still supporting us.

I worked hard and he started telling people that I had a BIG business that I managed.  Because he was ashamed of what I did at home?  I don't know.  (All honest good work, nothing illegal or demeaning, just very much homemaker type work.)  I started accepting his 'description' and that business became bigger than life.  He started telling people I was going to see clients one time when I had a Dr. appointment with him, he didn't want to tell them he was going to a Dr.  So people started asking me about this business.  I didn't ever tell anyone really what I did, just - "yeah I went to _______ yesterday"  and drop it.

When he moved out a few months later.  People assumed I would be okay because of 'my business' and I kept working hard and it was okay.  We did fine.  HE didn't provide support.  

My parents helped out and I worked hard, so we were okay.

I didn't have any extra money for a divorce, so I didn't file it.  He left and obviously wasn't coming back.  After two years, I wasn't really interested in having him back.  

Still there is no support.  My parents split up a few months ago, and things are really rocky here.  I've been unable to keep things going, because of the added stress.

Some health problems, my parents needing someone to talk to, and a daughter ready for college.  

I'm BROKE.  The business was day to day income, no residual, and I can't keep it up with all the stress.  Everyone needs a part of me, and there is nothing left.  

I promised my daughter college, and it's looking very much like I can't afford to send her.  I have bills due that I can't pay.  I wanted to buy a house, and I was using  my "very real" business income to base my loan papers on, but I can't seem to keep the income up to what it was.  I have to move from where I'm at, but I can't find a place to rent, and my income is not sufficient at this point to purchase.

My parents are counting on my financial help - and I don't have anything to help with.  My sister doesn't talk to me. She's married to a coke addict and I won't put up with him around my children.  

It sucks to be me right now....

I am a Bible believing Christian.  I believe in God.  But I feel like all these Lies and Justifications have got me on the fast road to hell....

I don't know what to do.  I try to stop.  I try to pray.  I try to be totally honest and tell people what is going on, and they ask me to do something else, and I end up just crying and hurting more... Trying to be more to somebody else....

Help!

[Allinall]

I have one question for you: why do you try so hard to be something for someone else?  I dare say that at the heart of that striving, is a desire for acceptance.  You've strived to please an unpleasable and unappreciative husband.  You've strived to please parents, children, and any other person you feel you must.  Why?  Again, there seems to be a strong desire for the acceptance such pleasing acts might grant.  And yet, regardless of the act, the acceptance is either not there (husband), or perceived as not there (parents with their own problems, etc.).  Why do I say all of this?  Because you, my friend, are looking for acceptance in all of the wrong places.  

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,   "For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
   we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:31-39

I just finished posting this passage on another thread concerning salvation.  But you know something?  It fits this too!  You see, regardless of what you do or do not do, you will always be loved by God.  Yes, God does expect obedience and faith based living, and yes, He does discipline His disobedient children accordingly.  Yet His acceptance of us is based on His love for His Son, Who loves us, and gave Himself for us - not because we warranted that sacrifice through our acts of service, but because He loves us.  In being a blood-bought believer, we are guaranteed the love of God.  I am accepted "just as I am."  So what then does God require of you to be well pleasing to Him? He tells us in Micah 6:6-8

"With what shall I come before the LORD,
   and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
   with calves a year old?
Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
   with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
   the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?"
He has told you, O man, what is good;
   and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
   and to walk humbly with your God?

God isn't interested in the quality, or the quantity of our sacrifice.  He has told us what He wants:

1.  Do justice.  Treat others justly.  Behave justly.  Approach life in a just manner.  What does that mean?  Do things rightly.  Do right by people according to the word of God.  Do right by yourself according to the word.  Do justice.

2.  Love kindness.  We face unkind people every day, and are driven by our own selfish motives to respond in kind.  The love of kindness puts others before ourselves - not for the motivation of their acceptance, but for their good.  We serve to better them.  Love kindness.

3.  Walk humbly with your God.  Our own pride can make us unappreciative of the relationship with the God Who loves us no matter what.  We become unthankful and discontent.  Humility sees things as they are, and God for Who He is.  Such a view is thankful and content.

You've had troubles yes, but you have God!  Please Him, and know that when you fail Him as you will, that He still loves and accepts you.

[annette]

I know God loves me.  

I just don't know how to sort out the mess I've made of my life.  

It is for acceptance that I've strived for so long.  I've never gotten the acceptance that I want.  Always rejected and pushed out - I know God hasn't done that.  

I realize God forgives.  But how to I correct the mess in my life?

I don't want to continue this way - I want to find a solution.

I don't want to live broke, and I'm tired of working so many hours, I want back my life.  I want the life God has for me.  I just don't know how to get that back.

Or even how to get back to that.

I keep praying praise and asking forgiveness.  But I feel so far away... Like I'm not getting THERE.  Like I'm alone here.

[Allinall]

You realize and know that God loves and forgives you - but do you believe it?  We act on what we believe.  If we believe that God has forgiven, and that God loves, then we can act.  How?  Paul said in Philippians 3:12-14

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Forget what lies behind and strain forward.  "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" is a pointed truth!  We can never forget what we've been through, and in many cases, may chose not to.  But we can chose not to dwell on the past mistakes.  You said:

I just don't know how to sort out the mess I've made of my life.  

Let me give you the best piece of counsel ever given to me when I faced similar questions in my life:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

This verse is often times misunderstood.  It doesn't mean that to get what I want I have to put God first.  It doesn't mean that by putting God first, or "delighting" in Him, that I'll have all that my heart desires.  The word "delight" here means to take pleasure in.  If I take my pleasure in God, rather than anything or anyone else - He changes my desires.  In truth, He becomes my desire.  Now this may sound trite when the world and all of the problems you are having seem to be burying you alive!  But consider part of what I said the last time.  You struggle with acceptance.  God has accepted you.  God loves you.  What is the one thing each of these statements hase in common?  "You?"  No.  Besides that -    GOD!  

Not only have you strived for acceptance, you have had your focus on yourself, your problems, and your short-comings.  Hey!  If I spent all of my time doing that (as I once did), I'd consider my life a mess too!  But this "mess" is God's work, not yours.  Yes, you can make it difficult, but it is, nontheless, His work:

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:3-6

Focus, not on your short-comings, but on the God Who is working through them, for your ultimate good, to conform you to the very image of His Son.  In so doing, God is big, and you, are small.  Failing to do so makes God small, and you big.

So how do you "delight" or "focus" on God?  First step is to spend consistent time with Him in His word.  Read your bible.  You may say, "I do!"  Great!  But when you come to it, are you looking for Him in the pages or yourself?  Remember, focus on Him.  Take joy, and pleasure in doing so.  Taste, and find Him good.  In so doing, He will give you the "desires of your heart."

Next step, is to address the issues in your life.  "How?" you may ask.  The best way is to find a good, biblical counselor who can help you, by God's word, to deal with the issues you struggle with.  If you'd like, I'd be happy to try and find someone for you.

What's next?  The most important thing you can do right now is to get step one under your proverbial belt.  Spend much time with Him in His word, and in prayer.  That will open doors that are now seemingly closed.

[Whitehorse]

I know God loves me.  

I just don't know how to sort out the mess I've made of my life.  

It is for acceptance that I've strived for so long.  I've never gotten the acceptance that I want.  Always rejected and pushed out - I know God hasn't done that.  

I realize God forgives.  But how to I correct the mess in my life?

I don't want to continue this way - I want to find a solution.

I don't want to live broke, and I'm tired of working so many hours, I want back my life.  I want the life God has for me.  I just don't know how to get that back.

Or even how to get back to that.

I keep praying praise and asking forgiveness.  But I feel so far away... Like I'm not getting THERE.  Like I'm alone here.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Maybe this helps.

In the book of Genesis, God made a woman's affinity to her husband, but there are sinful men in the world who abuse this gift and take advantage of it. There are a few things I would recommend:

First, you need to give your life to God. Believe that Jesus is Lord, he died for your sins and rose again from the dead, and that you will saved. Then Give God complete control over your life, even if He requires something hard or painful. You have to learn to trust Him and live according to His laws.

This requires doing something very hard. You have to make yourself separate how things feel from how things are. You may feel alone, but you're far better off without those problems. But in a sense, even if you were abused, you may feel alone because you're leaving your caretaker role behind. A lot of women hang onto that to make their circumstances bearable.

Then, this is also hard but the fun part: take the time to discover yourself and who you are. Figure out what you enjoy doing, and get to the point where you feel comfortable doing it alone. Black and white movies? Art? Stamp collecting? gardening? *Make* time for it. Develop your own sense of style, not something you did for him. It would be unwise to get into a relationship with another man; you need to heal and work it out with the Lord, no matter how difficult it may seem. Figure out why you attract men who abuse you and why you feel more comfortable with them than with nice guys.

* You mentioned he was nice...to *you*. If he isn't nice to others, that should raise some red flags. If he isn't a nice person but he is only to you, there's a good possibility that he's using you for something.

* There is a pattern in the relationships you described. Figure out what causes that.

* Ask God what He wants you to do, what He wants to make you, and let Him do that.

* Learn to treat yourself well enough to not put someone so high above yourself that he's controlling you or mistreating you. If someone does this to you, do what you have to to say goodbye to him before you get to marriage.

* God did not put women on this planet to rescue men from problems they don't want to fix for themselves. It's not a good bet to marry anyone because a woman thinks he needs her. This is no basis for a relationship.

* Kids will never make a relationship better. Keep very close to the Lord, pray hard even about things that seem little, and carefully abide by His commandments. It will help you sort out a lot. Ask Him for wisdom, believe Him for it, and wait. You'll get what you asked for; it's a promise from His word.

I am so sorry for your suffering. But it will get easier over time, and God will send you on a wonderful adventure with Him, as long as you trust and obey. Many blessings to you. I hope this helps.

[annette]

Allinal ----

I think I have a hard time believing God loves me.  I mean with really believing it.  I know it - in my heart - I know.  But I have these doubts, because I seem to always be 'rejected'  (at least the way it feels).  I do tend to focus on my 'shortcomings'.

I do understand changing the focus, so I'm focusing on God. I have been reading the Bible, but you are right, I was focusing on what it means to me, not on God, as I read.

Thanks,

Whitehorse ---

I've prayed, many times for God to order my life, and I'm trying to learn to step out of way and let him.  I think that may be the problem. I ask him to do something, then get in his way.  I always feel like I'm in such a rush to get something accomplished.  

Maybe if I ask God for new BRAKE SHOES.  LOL    I don't think I want to ask him to slow me down --- I broke my ankle last time I asked for that.

I'm learning to like who I am - slowly.  I'm finding that I'm a really nice person.

I just feel like so much needs to be accomplished, and I can't seem to get it all done.  

I have a hard time just letting God deal with it, and leaving it at the cross, for him.  I keep trying to pick up the burdens again.

Thanks,

Jan

[IrishAngel]

Dear Sister, do you know what the incredible thing about giving burdens to God is?

You lay these things at His feet...all the broken dreams, and promises, and failures...

and then rest

simply rest

and let Him figure out the answers, work out the solutions, make a way where there is no way...

when you find yourself forgetting not to worry...you remind yourself that you gave all these things to God and it`s His problem to work on now, not yours!  

Sit back, relax, and watch God do what no one else can do, He never fails those who put all thier trust in Him!

God bless you!

Love & prayers ~ Irish

[Allinall]

You're welcome!  Remember, keep yourself focused on Him.  See yourself through His eyes, as revealed in the bible.  See others through His eyes as well.  This will work wonders in your life!  And look for a good church, with a good pastor who can help you piece your life back together in His image - not yours.

You're in my prayers sister.