Lisa A. Gore
I was born and named, but I wasn’t suppose to make it. I was loved and claimed, but still, I wasn’t suppose to make it. I was born to a teenage girl who hade a disease called epilepsy and a father who had a drug and alcohol addiction. My mother only lived eight months after I was born. I never knew her nor could I remember seeing her face, yet I found myself crying for her many nights. This void in my life was suppose to destroy me and I wasn’t suppose to make it.
In March of 1975 my mother died in her sleep at the young age of seventeen. You can say that my father died that day also because he was the one who found my mother in her forever sleep. He was so torn that he adopted drugs and alcohol to replace me and in that brief moment I was mother and fatherless. I know that it must have been very hard coming in and finding your wife dead and you were just a few days a way from your 1 year Wedding Anniversary. Unable to deal with the pain, he sold his soul to lust and drugs and remained in bondage for my entire childhood. I grew up without an example of a real man in my life. As I searched for love I always wound up finding pain.
I was raised by my mother’s mother and she did the best that she could. She raised me along with my two cousins who were boys. There mother died in the same year as my mother and she was only 23 at the time of her death. She had three boys, six months, three and five years old. I was raised with the two older boys. My Grandmother was not young at that time when she took all of us. She was 62 years old , but very strong.
When I turned 14 I started to seek love in other directions because my Grandmother no longer accepted me for who I was or who I was becoming. She said things to me at times that caused scars that no one could heal. For example; I was called a slut when I was still a virgin. I searched for anyone and anything to fill what she emptied, yet I always found myself in pools of pain. No best friend would keep me, no guy would love me, and not many would accept me. I just wasn’t suppose to make it.
I can still hear the strong yet powerless voices, “Why bother going to school, you’ll still be dumb?” “You aren’t worth nothing and you’ll never be nothing!” It’s funny how you start to believe others and tell yourself you’re lying because everyone can’t be wrong. Then your goals seem unobtainable and your dreams seem unreachable. You have this strong desire, but you’re so drained from all the ridicule, criticism, and unacceptance that you lack the energy you need to climb the steps to success. That was me, I had so many dreams. I believed in me and my piers did also. It was when I stopped receiving from my Grandmother that I shut down. When I knew she couldn’t stand who I was becoming something with in me gave up and died. I know she did her best to love me, but there were times when she would get so frustrated with me that she would lash out at me with harsh and hurtful words. Slut, whore, tramp, dumb, fool, these words were suppose to remind me of who I was. I wanted to believe different and searched deeper and harder for someone and anyone to make me feel better about myself. Acceptance became my God.
I found a guy who was not what or who he said he was. All I wanted was love, and all he had was lies. I believed that it was possible for someone to see good in me. I believed that it was possible for someone to love and accept me for who I was, and I believed it was him. His lies made me feel wanted, special, important, needed and somehow complete. Although our entire three and a half year relationship was built on lies, it made me feel cared for. He was the first and only guy that stayed around after gotcha146. And although he did something every week to cause me to want to leave him, he would promise me he’d die without me. He would fall to his knees begging, crying, and promising me change. The words were powerful but it was the tears that made me stay. After about six months in the relationship things got real crazy. Abuse became a normal way of communicating. I can’t even remember the first hit because there was so many fights. Being as though I was raised with two boys I was no punk, so I always fought back. He pushed, I kicked, he slapped, I scratched, he grabbed, I punched. It was terrible. I never even realized that I was reliving the life that my mother and father had. Here was the cycle continuing.
Even after all of the disrespect, fighting and cheating, I stayed. He made me believe that no one else would love or accept me. No one but him. We’d break up almost every two months or so and end up back together. Hit after hit, fight after fight, girl after girl. I cried and cried but lacked the strength and courage to leave. I use to pray that I would just die and never wake again. I wanted to escape but I thought I lacked the will power to leave. I had what it took to leave, but I choose to stay and believed his lies.
At the age of 19 I was pregnant. At that time we were not going together but we still slept together. I was not going to keep my baby because I didn’t want him or no connections to him. I made three different appointments to have an abortion but due to financial issues it never took place. By the time the money became available I was already convinced by his tears to keep our baby. I took him back and nothing changed. I regretted keeping the baby because more and more I realized that I would be doing this all alone. I knew I had to run from this relationship. It was only a matter of time.
After having my son I started to feel needed, loved, and accepted. My son brought me strength and joy. More and more I started to believe that I was a beautiful person and that it was possible for someone to really love me. The love that I had for my son was not shared by his father so that made it easier to leave him. One day he just became so unattractive that I couldn’t even bear to see his face. So after one more night out of him cheating on me it was finally over, forever. This relationship was another trick that was suppose to destroy my life, my confidence, my dreams and my being. I was suppose to commit suicide and I wasn’t suppose to make.
The struggle, the pain and the obstacles that lied in front of me were endless. It took another year before I could fully get this fool out of my system. When I received enough physical and mental abuse I moved on to another abusive relationship. I didn’t stay around as long as last time because I began to know and not just think that I deserved better. I received some very serious canceling and I realized that I didn’t have a problem with men or sex. I had made ACCEPTANCE my God.
And My Lord was not going to take 2nd place.
I put GOD 1st and HIS will for my life and now today I am free, and despite the odds, I MADE IT!
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