You might be in the wrong church if....

[macramepoet]

I was passing through a group I visit from time to time and found that someone had started a thread in the tradition of the Jeff Foxworthy "you might be a redneck if" jokes, but the subject was "you might be in the wrong church if". Seemed like something right down my proverbial alley so I contributed a few. What can you come up with?
 
 
You might be in the wrong church if.....

you ask "when is the mid-week service?" and the pastor replies, "I don't know. When can you show up?"

they pass ranch dressing with the communion wafers.

Brother Smith refers to Brother Jones as "Honey"

the worship team has full body tattoos, nose rings and multi-colored hair

it's not just your imagination...the song leader really does remind you of Elton John

the pastor refers to "JC and his posse"

everybody knows the pastor's wife has a belly ring

the special song is a hip-hop version of "Rock of Ages"

the interpretive dance team does any number involving a pole and g-strings

the sanctuary features a statue of THAT Madonna

the healing service is cancelled due to illness

the youth pastor is on work release

the next fundraiser requires masks and weapons

you pass by a deacons' meeting and hear "I'll see you, and raise you 50"

the pastor and the youth pastor won't even speak to each other, even when they meet in the liquor store

the telephone  prayer line has an unlisted number

most of the congregation wonders if the choir members are naked under those robes

you ask directions to the restroom and the usher points outside

decals on the front door tell you they take Visa, MasterCard and USDA Food Stamps

they're gonna be on a special segment of "Trading Spaces" with the local mosque

the choir sings "Who Is This King of Glory" and the pastor shrugs

the communion wine is Ripple

the offering plate finishes with 6 pennies, 4 buttons, a safety pin and 37 IOU's

the only "Amen!" the preacher gets is when he says "in conclusion...."

the song leader says "Let's sing this one acappella" and the choir undresses

the Womens' Ministries prayer focus is for an early parole for its leader

nobody testifies without a subpoena

the pastor's favorite Biblical character is Balaam because "If he can preach I reckon I can"

the choir lipsyncs to Mormon Tabernacle CD's


I'm going to take a nap now. Later, y'all.

[Shammu]

If Jesus Christ is not mentioned, but money is.....

[Soldier4Christ]

If you just finished a sermon on Num 12 and the deacon and congregation puts on white hoods.

you ask directions to the restroom and the usher points outside

I was raised in that church.  

[Bern]

Dreamweaver: i totally agree there.. the money thing.. YUK!

They get excited about getting excited.

They never sing any hymns. Ever.

They don't ever mention repentace or sin.

Sermons are "fun" and easy to swallow.

You're not sure how many wives some of the congregation have.

People laugh because you have a Ford fiesta or a Vauxhall Astra.

There are all sorts of man made positions within the church.

The pastor is female.

[Len]

...if the pastor reads a portion of Scripture, then closes the Bible till the next Sunday.

[laterunner]

If your not, 
challenged,
uncomfortable at times,
using the same seat each time, or can't cope with the differences in style, music, prayer, niosy children.

   Go where your ears will be tickled & you feel so comfortable you fall to sleep each time you go there. or where the pain in your back isn't age related but the hardness of the seats.



 but  don't go from body to church to fellowship looking for the ''right'' place for you BECAUSE you will not be still enough for God to speak into your life. Please.!!!

[Forrest]

If the pastor preaches more from the TV than the BIBLE>

[nChrist]

Amen Forrest!

Brother, it's great to see you back on the forum. We've really missed you and hope things are going well for you.

I am more and more convinced by the day that we all need to keep our eyes on JESUS and feed from GOD'S WORD several times each day. We know that our strength and hope is in CHRIST, not men. So, our overall strength lies in prayer, Bible Study, and partaking of the riches of CHRIST.

Love In Christ,
Tom

1 Corinthians 2:2-5 NASB  For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.

[David_james]

Dreamweaver: i totally agree there.. the money thing.. YUK!

They get excited about getting excited.

They never sing any hymns. Ever.

They don't ever mention repentace or sin.

Sermons are "fun" and easy to swallow.

You're not sure how many wives some of the congregation have.

People laugh because you have a Ford fiesta or a Vauxhall Astra.

There are all sorts of man made positions within the church.

The pastor is female.

What's wrong with female pastors?

[smokey the dog]

Probably has to do with this verse from 1 Timothy
1Ti 2:12  But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

[john909]

What's wrong with female pastors?

It's politically correct to desire women pastors, but it's biblically incorrect, and that is what matters. Read Genesis 1-2, 1 Timothy 2, and Titus 1 on the subject. Read up on the doctrine of Federal Headship, which is found everywhere from Genesis onwards.

What I've said is not popular, especially in XXXXXXXXXX, but it's biblically true, correct, and that is what matters.

[heirtoHisriches]

if the pastor is female because the husband dies?  then what?

[Soldier4Christ]

I am old school where the only pastor is male. The female is the pastor's wife not pastor. The pastor's wife is there as a help mate to work with the women of the church. My childhood Pastor that influenced me in many ways was killed June 29th, 1994 in a robbery attempt. His son now runs his ministry. His wife still helps in that ministry and has a ministry for women. She goes all over the states to different churches and organizations and has written a number of articles for a Christian magazine. There is much that a woman can do for the Lord, even if she is widowed, without pastoring a church.

[David_james]

I still don't think it's wrong to have female pastors
We don't have authority over women

[heirtoHisriches]

I am old school where the only pastor is male. The female is the pastor's wife not pastor. The pastor's wife is there as a help mate to work with the women of the church. My childhood Pastor that influenced me in many ways was killed June 29th, 1994 in a robbery attempt. His son now runs his ministry. His wife still helps in that ministry and has a ministry for women. She goes all over the states to different churches and organizations and has written a number of articles for a Christian magazine. There is much that a woman can do for the Lord, even if she is widowed, without pastoring a church.

there is much, but there are also circumstances that may have not been prepared for.  The child in the situation that I speak of is entirely way too young to pastor a church and though the request has gone out there have been no real prospects of a male pastor to step in and help the widow.  Should she close her church (mind you this is no small church)?