Life, explained

[Willowbirch]

The first animal God created was the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

Next God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And
God agreed.

Third God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God
agreed again.

God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only
twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow
gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave
back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the frontporch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Willowbirch]

 
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
 
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
 someone else to hold them while you chop away.
 
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
 simply using the sink.
 
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
 few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
 
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
 from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
 will be afraid to cough.
 
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
 will forget about the toothache.
 
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
 
9. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
10. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
11.  Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
 
12. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
 
13. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Willowbirch,

       Live all makes sense now.   ROFL

[Shylynne]

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  eh !

[nChrist]

This seems to add to the subject   :

PRESCRIPTION FOR A LAUGH

Just a note to say I’m living that I’m not among the dead,

Though I’m getting more forgetful and more mixed up in the head.

For, sometimes I can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stairs,

If I must go up for something, or I’ve just come down from there.

And before the frig so often my poor mind is filled with doubt:

Have I just put the food away, or have I come to take it out!

And there’s times when it’s dark out with my nightcap on my head,

I don’t know if I’m retiring or just getting out of bed.

So, if it’s my turn to write you, there’s no need getting sore,

I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.

So, remember, I do love you, and wish that you were here:

But, now it’s nearly mail time, so I must say, “Goodbye, Dear!”

There I stood beside the mailbox with a face so very red,

Instead of mailing you my letter, I had opened it instead.

Author Unknown

[2nd Timothy]

I heard a preacher on the radio the other day talking about how we speak of our age....

When we are very young, say 6 years old, we say we are 6, and a half.

When we reach our teens we say, I'm almost 16!

When we reach 21 we say, I made it!

When we reach 30's we say, I'm pushing 40....lol  (thats me)

50's, I'm over the hill

Then it starts reverting....

Approaching 60's

70's I made it.

I'm almost 80

When we reach the 100's (if we reach it)  I'm 102 and a half!!!



Grace and Peace!

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to 2nd Timothy,

   Well Brother, I guess that I'm three lower on the list than you are. I remember a time when I thought that people over 50 were elderly. Now I'm hoping that 20 more years is middle-aged.  

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Willowbirch]

You know you're living in 2004 when...

 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is

 that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
 a business manner, or you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

 7. You try to turn on or stop an appliance (microwave, blender,
 dishwasher etc.) using the remote control.

 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
 different companies.

 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
 anyone is home.

 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
 screen.

 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
 the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
 panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
 message.

 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
 this list.

 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[nChrist]

Willowbirch,

   Sister, I was hooked and reeled in.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Willowbirch]

An Amish Quaker owned the orneriest milk cow in the district. It stomped his foot. It tipped the milk pail. Then it kicked him in the stomach and sent him flying.
The Quaker had had enough of this. He marched up to the cow's head and looked her straight in the eye.

"Thou knowest," he said, "that I am a Quaker, and will not strike thee back. But know this: I could sell thee to a Baptist."