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| | |-+  any parents of the STRONG WILLED and REBELLIOUS child here?
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Author Topic: any parents of the STRONG WILLED and REBELLIOUS child here?  (Read 5479 times)
grommie
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« on: August 11, 2004, 07:00:26 AM »

Man oh man do i need some encouragement and prayer and HELP ME here.  =)

My daughter 17 and has been strong willed from the get go!

A bit of history: I am divorced since 1993, due to that fact that their dad was strong willed and quite manipulative in that when i said yes he said no and i said white he said black, kind of thing.  It was quite frustrating to the point that i nearly had a nervous break down.

Next bit of history: i move back home, yes, big mistake, next to my parents.  Though i love them and was raised to respect and honor them, how do you tell your mom to BUTT OUT!...especially if you are like i was in 1996 when my daughter said DONT MAKE ME LIVE IN THAT TRAILOR WITH YOU! and her grand mother, my mom said PLEASE DONT MAKE HER LIVE IN THAT TRAILOR WITH YOU! and here i am trying to keep the peace.

Okay, next bit of history:  my daughter lived with them for 3 years in their 'we have money to spoil her rotten'....not thinking that she was different from me in that she has a STRONG WILLED spirit and i was/am submissive as their child.

are you following me??

NOW today: She moved back in with me and it is her SENIOR year in high school...need i say more?  She is used to getting everything she wants and here i am to pick up the pieces and get her to the point of  OBEY me....

I say, in the heat of an argument..."go to your room" and she does not do that simple thing, and i need her to do that just so i can re-group and remain calm.  No, she wont do that, she follows me every where I go.  

I sometimes go into the closet and close the door behind me and sit in the dark.  All the while she has positioned herself on the floor outside of the closet talking, talking, talking, talking.

**Are you still with me?**

I pray, i take authority over stuff, I pray, i cry, i become frustrated, but still i have hope.

Any advice from any parent of the strong willed child.

If you do not have a strong willed child, please do not think for a moment you could possibly understand what i am going through.  I dont mean that in a mean way, but man you really must have a strong willed child to understand the magnitude of frustration a parent feels when reasoning does not work on one.

God Bless and thanks
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Shylynne
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2004, 09:02:14 AM »

Hi grommie  Smiley

I sometimes go into the closet and close the door behind me and sit in the dark.  All the while she has positioned herself on the floor outside of the closet talking, talking, talking, talking.


first thing you need to do is THANK GOD you`ve got a teen who is willing to talk to you  Wink


and i was/am submissive as their child.

hiding in the closet while your teen is trying to talk to you?

you might not like hearing this but second thing you need to do is quit acting like a child  Lips Sealed

I pray, i take authority over stuff, I pray, i cry, i become frustrated, but still i have hope.


sounds to me like your both strong willed, so is she just copying the example you have set on how to get her own way?  


yes I raised a strong willed child, and yes it takes a lot of patience and prayer, but it also takes a consistant (key) willingness to really listen, observe, and pay  close attention to them, its very difficult to fix a problem when you dont know what the problem is   Wink

I hate seeing the label "rebellious" applied to children of any age, labels dont help children, use them often enough and the very label we apply to them is often what they become.
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There is no force on earth as powerful as one human soul set ablaze with the Spirit of God -  Shylynne
Reba
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2004, 09:35:30 AM »

Divorce is a ugly thing.
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grommie
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2004, 05:42:30 PM »

yes i agree that labels are no good.

and yes i agree with a majority of the things that you said.

and that last reply, no duh!  dont i know it.  but it was either committing suicide or leave him.  and i could not commit suicide.


I do listen to her Shylynne.  Most of the time i have no clue what to say to her as she has something to say about everything.  We do talk, but there are times when i just cant handle it and i ask her to give me time to re-group, but she wont.  What can i do?  
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Shylynne
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« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2004, 08:38:31 PM »

I understand what you are saying grommie,  but you said two key things that , without knowing either of you, tells me a lot about your daughter:

she follows me every where I go and talking, talking, talking, talking.

That says she wants a relationship with you, is trying to get close to you, and is craving your attention. Does this mean she will listen to everything you say, no, nor does it mean she wont argue with you, disagree with you, and maybe drive you completely up the wall lol...but look at it this way...shes 17 right...so you`ve got one, maybe two years at best  to create a mother/daughter bond that will allow you to be the best influence possible in her life, pour all the energy and time you can muster into doing this...and if you need space...well she has to sleep sometime eh   Wink  
One of the biggest walls  parents with teens run into  is how do I get them to TALK to me, so you want her to keep talking, if not maybe quite so much lol.  Wink  When you dont know what to say, let her chatter, your willingness to listen,  is more important than your answers anyways.

As to obedience, i`m not sure how to address that when it involves a 17 year old, where you allowed someone else to take over your role as mother for three years,  and then somehow expected to step right back into the role of parenting?  I do believe that the bond you create will directly effect  her willingness to respect what you have to say. However I don`t  believe there`s  room in a parents vocabulary for saying "I can`t handle it", you can because you must.  You already tried letting someone else handle it, and your living with the results.

how do you tell your mom to BUTT OUT!

You say BUTT OUT!  Grin
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There is no force on earth as powerful as one human soul set ablaze with the Spirit of God -  Shylynne
grommie
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« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2004, 08:44:53 PM »

Thanks Shylynne.  Thought some of it made me incredibly mad, lol, I will bare in mind and take to prayer many things you have adviced me on.

God Bless
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sincereheart
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« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2004, 07:24:07 AM »

Here's a radical thought.... Grin

Have you just sat down with your daughter and discussed this with her? She's at an age where she's almost an adult but still somewhat of a child. That's a hard age to deal with and it's a hard age to be!  Lips Sealed

But maybe try to lay it all out for her. For instance:

"I know all of this must have been hard on you. Decisions were made that affected you and you've had to deal with it though you had no say in it. I apologize for the fact that adults make so many mistakes that kids have to deal with. I know it's not fair, but it's done, and now we have to move on and establish some sort of order in our relationship. I'm your mother and I love you and I'm not perfect but I want to try and do what's best for both of us.

I also know that you're no longer a child and you're still not an adult and I know that's a hard place to be. But I also know that I'm still responsible for you and I want to have a relatuionship where we can communicate with each other and work through issues as they come up and maybe keep other problems from happening by getting to know each other all over again.

When you were born, I looked at you and wanted/hoped/felt.......?? Now I see that you're almost old enough to go out on your own and I want to be sure you're ready for that. It's hard for me to believe that you are already 17. When I was 17 the hardest thing for me to deal with was.....?? "

Maybe ask her what she expects, wants, needs, from the relationship. Really listen. Even if it doesn't completely make sense and even if it's not completely based in reality. Wink Hear her! That she knows you listen will have a big affect. Yes, she will probably throw outlandish things out just to see how you handle them. So handle them carefully. She needs you to prove yourself to her - fair or not - so she'll know if you're worthy of respect. There's no telling what's been said that's still mulling in her head! If she says something disrespectful, you have every right to let her know that you find it to be so. Pick your battles carefully at this point so that you both don't just shut each other out!

You may also want to ask her if she has any questions and then take the time to answer them. Stay calm if she does! You may have been spoken of in a negative way but if you remain calm you can just respond to what comes up and don't retaliate verbally.  If she asks you something that you're not comfortable answering or that you think is none of her business, politely say so.

Just remember that the adults created a situation that a child is trying to deal with! Not laying fault! I'm just saying that as hard as it's been for you, it's also been hard for her! And if she's been given everything and is used to that, then there will be times when you just have to tell her that you can't or won't afford ~whatever~.

If I may ask, what prompted her decision to move back with you?
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grommie
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« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2004, 02:28:59 PM »

Shylynne,  sorry should have been sincereheart  =)


What prompted her to move back in:  She had been getting into trouble repeatedly. She had shown great disrespect to my parents in that she cussed them out literally, screaming, throwing a basic tantrum and they were going to pull in the reigns.  SO, she decided it was time to move out and back in with me.

Bare in mind, all 3 years i had pleaded with her to move in with me. I know how my mom is, i grew up with her.  Her way was the way to live a happy life without compromises. (my parents were not mean to me in that they hit, they just were used to having their way and if i said anything that went against what they were thinking, well there was something wrong with me...u understand Shylynne?)

They had done everything for her, buying her this and that and trying to spend time with her, though they were not prepared for this stage in her life.  Her 16th year, she was hurrying home to beat curfew and flipped the car.  Praise God she walked away from it unharmed with only a few cuts and scrapes, but they proceeded to buy her a new car.  They bought her a new car.   To this day, i can't believe they did that. And they say its HER car until she does something they dont like, then its THEIRS.  

That part i dont believe sometimes....my parents are in church every time the doors are open, though they have not learned how to love unconditionally.  

I got to hear from my mom..."i just cant love her anymore"  that has been so hard on me in that i felt more like the middle child and less like a mom.  *inside it cut me deep but I understood now what was going on.*

Libby and i do talk.  We talk more than my mom and i ever did. In fact the other day, well a couple months ago my mom remarked to me how we had an open communication when my brother and i were living in the house.  *i dont remember it that way.  Its like i said above, my thoughts had better line up with what she believed so i did not get into trouble*  but i dare not say that, no need to bring it up again.  I know God will show her through something or some one else to understand.

Libby has gotten into trouble repeatedly over drinking and getting caught by the authorities.  First time was her freshman year in high school.  She told me that she could not leave her friend behind to take the rap, and i understand she did not want to run. I commend her for that, but she got probation because of it and all of them, even the ones she stood up for, ripped her apart with their words. I was there through all of that.  Not my parents, ME.

We do talk more than i had said before, but what i was talking about, and this was my fault for not going into it more further, was when there is an argument.  It is tough being ONE parent when there is no relief in sight to the badgering of words coming from a tantrum throwing teenager.

She has told me over and over again, she wants to be left alone...to have it like she used to have it  which was  doing everything she wanted to do without any thing coming from me.  I have told her that I can not live like that anymore, it was ripping me apart.  I have told her i felt more like the chamber maid in a motel than a parent.

I do hear her.  That was not the reason i posted this....the reason i posted this is to get advice from another parent in the similar situation. And you have come to my aid in that you have offered me things to think about.  I appreciate it very much by the way.

I raised my daughter to be open, and share her feelings, but i forgot about the do it out of respect part  roflol, in that i have created a monster as it were.  =)

I have told her things from my past to help her understand why i want such and such for her, but it seems to come out more in the heated arguments than in any other area of her life.  Though, i know she hears more than i think she does.  

It is just so frustrating sometimes, to have no one to talk to about this...i have felt that im not going to make it one more year.  I have felt that im losing my mind, that everything I believed to be true has been false all along.

The father of our children is non-existent in she and my sons lives.  He just feeds their frustration, so im glad he does not call and say he is going to do this or that, then not go through on it.  I know they miss him, and where we are has never been kept from him.  He keeps himself from them for whatever reasons.

In the heat of the argument, she brings up why am i trying to be a mother to her now.  That has come up many times....my answer is this  "because i want to be the mother to you that you need me to be and that i want to be, it is never too late to try and im trying now"

I know she is going through a hard time in her life. I remember being 17 and misunderstood. I was so lonely and hated my life at that time.  I have told her as well that i am there for her no matter what.  And here i am...though "you will not understand the things i do, im still here."

The majority of the time, i can carefully answer, it's when she blows up out of the blue and lashes out with me with verbal hatred that really causes me to lose it.

The other day she was crying in her room...i opened the door and said "what's wrong?"   She ripped me apart and i felt like pond scum.

She said she did that because she did not want me to see her crying again, as this is all she does.  Though i dont see it that way. I told her  look youre my daughter, if you are crying i want to console you if i can.  If you dont want me to try, then ask me in a more polite way, not by cussing me out or telling me what a disappointment i have been in the past.

I took away her cell phone this time for good....i took it to my parents home and said, dont give it back.  They paid for it, i didnt.

Libby says things that blow me away sometimes.  Intelligent and seems to have it all together.  But then something happens, a word is said and she feels because she does not have the same thoughts that she is of no account.  (low self esteem)  She is totally gorgeous Shylynne.  Beautiful voice, excellent grades.  She gets made fun of a lot on school because ppl are jealous of her.  I try so hard to help in that area, but prayer is what works best as i dont know what to say to her on it half the time.  Her last name rhymes with whore so they use that really well.

« Last Edit: August 13, 2004, 05:23:04 PM by grommie » Logged

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Reba
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« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2004, 09:00:43 PM »

Being a grandma is much more fun than being a mom! This stage will pass we all matured well sorta.


Mom and Dad raised a couple strong willed children ( not me of corse) LOTS of prayer and when ya think you have prayed enough start praying again.

dropping matches down the gas can

shooting matches out  of the ol BB gun

stealing change from moms purse

stealing  change from the offering plate

driving  boyfriends hot rod

getting  into fist fights (winning most  Grin )

breaking  EVERY window out of the house next door

dating a guy 10 years older then me

these things in the drug world of today dont seem like so much  this was the 50s  and early 60's

 I got spanked  and PRAYED for  or PRAYED for and spanked


Never give up on the prayer never never....
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Kristi Ann
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« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2004, 09:54:31 PM »

Divorce is a ugly thing.


Yes any Divorce hurts!  This is why I am staying single for and Pure for God..  After being married twice, Never again.

I will Pray for you all though.. Prayer is Vital in holding each other up.

Blessings,  \o/
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grommie
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« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2004, 01:39:32 PM »

You can bet if i knew then what i now know, things would be a lot different.

Though i did not mean for this thread to become a Divorce debate, there have been many choices that have been made that i regret...but i nor anyone can regret forever as the very regrets can cause division between you, meant generally, and God and keep you from what HE has for you.

I never have agreed that Divorce is a good thing....though there are circumstances which I believe give a person a way out of what seems to be irreconcilable differences.  and boy am i not sure of that spelling.  =)
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Reba
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« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2004, 02:01:49 PM »

Rom 7:2
2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.
KJV

1 Cor 7:39-40

39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

40 But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God.
KJV


Ladies we are stuck And if have to remain married for these 40 + years so do you  Tongue  Tongue  Tongue  Tongue  Tongue
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grommie
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« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2004, 05:16:05 PM »

curious:  If the husband slams you against the wall causing you to break some ribs and arms and legs, what then?
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Kristi Ann
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« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2004, 06:06:07 PM »

curious:  If the husband slams you against the wall causing you to break some ribs and arms and legs, what then?


Call the Police and have him arrested right away.  If have to be taken to the hospital, they will ask why you're here, and have them get the poilce for you! Don't give an inch, or they'll take a mile!!

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« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2004, 07:34:39 AM »


Ladies we are stuck And if have to remain married for these 40 + years so do you  Tongue  Tongue  Tongue  Tongue  Tongue

ROFL!  Grin

Reba, you're my hero! And if you haven't killed yours (40+ years Lips Sealed), yet; then there just might be hope for the rest of us!  Wink
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