A Sparrow's Story
I was the middle child of five children. There was a girl
born between my oldest sister Mame and my brother Bud.
Bernadette died at three months. I believe it was from
mal-nutrition. When I was born Mame I said "Sissy came
back; Sissy came back.” She was happy about me. Then
along came Jim and Peg.
Mame, being the oldest, did what she wanted and got away
with it. Peg, being the youngest got all the attention. She
had beautiful thick hair worn in braids when she got a
little older. Little tendrils of hair framed her face. People
would look at her and say: "Oh! Isn't she cute." My hair
was fine and thin. I had skinny braids and my hair was
pulled back from my face to keep it from flying away. I
was in a candlelight service one Christmas when I was
young. A nun came to me and pulled a little hair out in the
front. She told me I looked like a skinned rat. I cried and
I must have put the candle out from the tears. (You can laugh now! I got over it.
I mostly got pushed to the side. The only exception was
when an aunt came from California to visit. We lived in
Pennsylvania. She must have given me attention; for most
of my life I was under the illusion that she wanted to take
me home with her. That kept me going for many years
---to think somebody wanted me.
My bubble was burst when I was doing my genealogy. I
contacted her daughter and told her my fantasy I thought
was so true. She laughed and said I had begged them to
take me home with them. In a sense that was one
dream that kept me going.
My Dad used to tell me I was stupid, dumb and
crazy. I couldn't do anything to please him. He wanted to know why I
couldn't do things like the neighbor girls---twins my
age. That helped my ego. I tried so hard to please my
Dad. He was a perfectionist. I became one. MY
motto was If I can't do it right, why do it all. As a
result I got out of any work I possibly could rather
than fail.
My mother wasn't much help. I can pity her now.
Both parents are gone as is my oldest sister and both
brothers. Peg and I are the only ones left. We still
have that sibling rivalry. We are not close. I stay
away as much as I can. She developed our Dad's
criticism of me. Lord let me get over it. She is not
saved as I know of but I am.
We were raised as Catholic. She thinks I am
condemned for "leaving the faith" as she put it. I
asked her "What faith are you talking about; a man
made faith in a certain church or faith in God."
I was afraid of my Dad and so was my mother. My
dad had two ways of showing his angry. One was
cussing and swearing and using nasty words or
giving us the silent treatment for hours or even days
on end. I walked around all shriveled up inside
myself. I shook like a mouse caught in a corner,
knowing he was doomed.
My mother was like my Dad in that she had no
patience with me when showing me how to do
housework. For instance, I couldn't make a bed
right. Instead of working with me until I learned, she
got the martyr attitude and did it herself. I never
learned to do it right. I still don't do it exactly right.
But it is passable.
One saving grace for my mother was the fact that she
went to Mass every morning without fail. She had
her special faith with God. That was how she
handled her life. Yet she was always critical of me.
I got it from both sides. She taught me good morals.
One was how to treat others with respect.
She understood that from her own experience of kids
making fun of her and calling her that crippled old
lady. From then on I was always for the underdog. I
felt like one, too.I'm running out of time for now.
This is Sunday morning and I will be getting ready
to go to church. The preacher gets his sermon
directly out of the Bible. He picks one whole chapter
(or I should say, he lets the Holy Spirit show him what he is supposed to talk about. He doesn't care whose feet he may be stepping on.
He is not a people pleaser.
This will be my life with thoughts I had and how
God changed a lot of them. I am 79 years old as I
write this, still a work in progress. How through the
help of an email friend he sent my way, I was
changed from an anti-social, negative sorrowful
being into an outgoing positive person. I still have
doubts about myself and the abilities God gave me to
use for His glory. But they don't last for I know who
is in charge of me. As I am ready, He shows me
where I can be changed into the person I was meant
to be, He proceeds to start the changing process. I
am not the trembling, sniveling coward I thought I
was. I like me a little better. I am a child of God and
He makes no junk. Never think you are nothing no matter what others say to you. Tell them God made you and He don’t make no junk!
Moral of my story is: No matter how messed up you
may have been, you don't have to stay there. God can
untangle you. He loves you and I. What more could
we want.
My scripture is KJV Hebrews 4:12-13 "For the Word
of God is sharper than any two-edged sword,
piercing even to dividing asunder of soul and spirit,
and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of
the thoughts and intents of the heart. Neither is there
any creature that is not manifest in His sight: but
ALL things are naked and opened unto the eyes of
him with whom we have to do." We can not hide any
thing from God. Praise the Lord. God bless you.
Just don’t give up.
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