Redneck Jokes

[HisDaughter]

I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs saying "pecans ahead." Wouldn't "restrooms ahead" be more appropriate?

What do rednecks call ductape?
Chrome.

An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in Braille.

I just received Alabama's new state quarter. It is two dimes and a nickel taped together.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Tennessee, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Why do folks from Tennessee go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseeians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Why did O.J. Simpson want to move the Tennessee?
Everyone there has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Tennessee burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Tennessee. When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.

You know right away the band Barenaked Ladies is from Canada because if they were from Georgia, they would be called Bucknaked Women.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

[HisDaughter]

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

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Two Tennesseeians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag?"

"Just some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"Heck, I'll give you both of them!"

"Okay. Five?"

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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A Tennesseeian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"Okay" replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"

"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"

[HisDaughter]

A Redneck Letter

Dear Redneck Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.