Humor in Uniform

[HisDaughter]

Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl, and they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, "We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case." But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.

-- Rich Elkins

[HisDaughter]

The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be preauthorized. So when we were expecting our first child, my husband and I did things by the book. After our son was born on September 22, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our insurer's representative.

"The problem is, your son was born early," she said, looking through my files. "And the Air Force hadn't authorized him to arrive for another two weeks."

-- Amy Amsden

[Soldier4Christ]

The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be preauthorized. So when we were expecting our first child, my husband and I did things by the book. After our son was born on September 22, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our insurer's representative.

"The problem is, your son was born early," she said, looking through my files. "And the Air Force hadn't authorized him to arrive for another two weeks."

-- Amy Amsden

That sounds just about the way it is, too.

[HisDaughter]

Our sergeant major was dimmer than a dying lightning bug. One day, I found a set of dog tags with his name on them in the shower. So, of course, I returned them. "Wow!" he said. "How'd you know they were mine?"

-- Jose Rodriguez

[HisDaughter]

After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to a bum shoulder, he couldn't fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another physician. "Let him pass," said the second doctor. "I don't see any problems unless he has to surrender."

-- Betty Lee       

[HisDaughter]

[HisDaughter]

[HisDaughter]

After drilling his platoon in the hot sun, the sergeant barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!" The men dispersed, but one rookie stood firm.

The sergeant stared as the rookie smiled and said, "There sure were a lot of them, weren't there, Sergeant?


During reservists' training, my commanding officer was briefing his colleagues on the battalion's mission. While he was highlighting the key objectives of our task -- serious business, aimed at motivating the troops -- he was suddenly interrupted by a ringing cell phone. The tune? "Mission Impossible."


When my Navy Medical Reserve Unit was called up for Operation Desert Storm, I was awakened by a phone call at three o'clock on a Sunday morning with the order to report for duty in four hours for processing. After I hung up the phone, my husband groggily asked, "Who was that?"

"Oh, honey," I moaned, thinking of our 15-month-old child, "I have to go to war!"

"Don't worry," he said as he rolled over, "It's Sunday, and the traffic won't be bad."


A sergeant in my Army bomb-clearing detail was asked to conduct a class for a group of visiting officers. Needing a prop to demonstrate, the sergeant retrieved a live bomb from the impact area. One class member, a second lieutenant, seemed nervous about a live bomb being used for the demo. He kept interrupting the class with, "Sergeant, I know you've done this before, but are you sure that you're doing it right?"

After the fourth interruption, a voice called from the back of the room, "Lieutenant, I guarantee that in all your military career, you'll never meet anyone who's done this before and done it wrong!"



As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."

[HisDaughter]

My neighbor, Terry, a former high-school halfback, came home from combat duty in Afghanistan. He was excited to tell me that his unit had played a makeshift game of football. "Just don't tell my mom," he begged. "If she knew I was playing football she'd worry that I might reinjure my knee."

[HisDaughter]

From Reader's Digest:

I was stationed on a Navy ship in the Mediterranean, and the 18-20 hour workdays passed very slowly.  My wife, a psychologist, decided to send me a relaxation tape to ease the stress of sea duty.  Its title: Sounds of the Ocean.

A Navy man gave his son the birds-and-the-bees talk before leaving for his first deployment, but he later realized the boy hadn't fully understood.  Three months into his tour of duty, the lieutenant received a letter that asked, "Will you come home if Mommy gets pregnant?"

When I wear my Air Force uniform, strangers often come up to me to thank me for my service to the country.
Once I was in the parking lot of a county jail, waiting to take custody of a military inmate.  A prisoner walked by, carrying a bag of garbage to the Dumpster, escorted by a corrections officer.
as he passed me, the inmate turned and - quite sincerely - said, "Thank yo for my freedom!" before being taken back inside.

The new ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the master chief cut him off.  "Listen, sir, it's simple," he said.  "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.  Divide by two.  If it doesn't come out even don't open the hatch."

[Soldier4Christ]

\I was stationed on a Navy ship in the Mediterranean, and the 18-20 hour workdays passed very slowly.  My wife, a psychologist, decided to send me a relaxation tape to ease the stress of sea duty.  Its title: Sounds of the Ocean.

A true story.

 

[HisDaughter]

A true story.

 

What do you mean PR?

[Soldier4Christ]

What do you mean PR?

Just that ... it is a true story. It actually happened.

[HisDaughter]

Oh, silly goose.  I knew it was a true story.  I thought maybe it had been someone you knew!   

[Soldier4Christ]

A lot of these jokes are not real stories. But yes, it did happen to someone I knew at one time.