Chicken Soup

[HisDaughter]

Proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativeness of American boys for mischief.When considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this........

At a high school in Montana , a group of studentsplayed a prank....they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:    1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No.. 3.........

[nChrist]

   Thanks for the laugh.

[HisDaughter]

A little more silliness....

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out A little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

[nChrist]

   Thanks, I needed those laughs.

[HisDaughter]

Here's an Oldie, but a Goodie

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.  Mostly to clean the house.
3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.  We're related.
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.  They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.  His last name.
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.
2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2.  Mom..  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.  Mothers don't do spare time.
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[nChrist]

   Thanks, I needed those laughs.

[HisDaughter]

Mothers

Warmer than the Summer sun,
softer than the breeze;
sweeter than a rose in bloom,
a Mothers all of these.
She will always stand by you throughout your childhood years,
she'll be around to comfort you if you should shed a tear;
She will always pick you up,
no matter why you fall;
because the love of Mothers,
is the strongest love of all.
Yes Mothers are Gods angels,
but remember they're on loan;
and one day in the future,
God will call them home.
so if you have a Mother,
please show her that you care,
and let her know you love her,
and the memories you share.

[nChrist]

Amen! - I was giving thanks for my dear mother while reading this. She's 90 years young and a Godly influence on our entire family. Thanks for sharing.

[HisDaughter]

M-O-T-H-E-R

"M" is for the million things she gave me,
"O" means only that she's growing old,
"T" is for the tears she shed to save me,
"H" is for her heart of purest gold;
"E" is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
"R" means right, and right she'll always be,
Put them all together, they spell
"MOTHER,"
A word that means the world to me.

[nChrist]

[HisDaughter]

Awww!  Thanks Brother Tom!  What a nice surprise to find here this morning!

[HisDaughter]

I suppose I coulda found something really touchy-feely to put here this morning and while I wish all the mothers a very wonderful Mother's Day; I opted for humor instead!

These are real absence excuses sent to school from the parents of kids at the Wells Branch School District:

Dear school please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
 
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

I had to keep Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she ware.

Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
 
Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side.
 
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
 
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
 
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
 
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizaca ed. Please execute him.
 
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
 
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
 
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomack. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is adminstrating.

Please excuse Pedero from being absent yseterday. He had diah/ dyah/ the sh*ts.
 
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
 
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
 
Please excuse Wayne for being out yeaterday, because he had the fuel.
 
Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

[nChrist]

   Thanks for the laughs. I have a hard time picking out a favorite.

[HisDaughter]

Being a Mother

After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you. The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

I want to spend some time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us..'

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, 'I would like that very much.'

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19th…

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. 'I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said, as she got into that new white van. 'They can't wait to hear about our date'.

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print.

Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips 'It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor,' I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.'

I agreed.

'How was your dinner date?' asked my wife when I got home.

'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,' I  answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife."

You will never know what that night meant for me. 'I love you, son.'

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till 'some other time.'

[HisDaughter]

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?


You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.


Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?


You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.


Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'


You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..


When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.


Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.