PLEASE HELP ME

[Donna]

I have never been on a christian chat before but I need help. I have known someone for a long time. I hate to say, I met him while he was married. We got in contact again and he wants to marry me now that he is no longr married.  What I need help with is that I have recently become a christian and he says he is a christian also. He is currently in jail serving time and will have to go to another jail in the state I am in to serve time on a probation violation felony. He was living with a woman before he went to jail and gave her an engagement ring when he was drunk but does not want to marry her. He calls me his wife and asked me to send him things he needs and to trake care of things for him since we are getting married. Also to get him an attorney for his probation felony. He told me he plans on getting his things while the other woman is at work. I sent him a letter and told him I wanted to be a christian and could not be a part of the lies and I since made it to where there is no contact with him. My question is, did I do the right thing by telling him he cannot be a christan if he lives in lies even though he does not want to marry the other woman he should be honest with her.  I feel as though I had been part of a deception and I don't understand why he sent me scriptures about how the husband should treat the wife as the Lord treats the church. Please tell me, can a christian act like this if they find themselves in a mistake in their life and do not know how to get out of it? Or is this person lost and playing games? I wanted to know because I told him I do not want anything to do with any of it and that he is ruinning his walk if there is a genuine walk. Do christians act like this since christians are not perfect and they are human, or is this someone who is not saved?
I know I do not know much about the bible, but I read it alot since I have been saved and I read a verse in Ephesians that says not to lie to your neighbor and also to walk worthy of the calling of God. I love him, but I do not want to ruin my walk. What do i do? I hope since someone who is a christian for a long time can help me with this. I hope I have not overstepped a boundry in this forum.

[nChrist]

Hello Donna,

WELCOME!

I sincerely hope that you enjoy Christians Unite. First, your questions are just fine, and you are most welcome to ask them.

You have mentioned a lot of things that are against the teachings of the Holy Bible. As a prerequisite to answering your questions, I must also tell you that there aren't any perfect Christians. So, Christians also have to pray and ask GOD for forgiveness for things they have done wrong in their lives. With this in mind, I'd like to give you some thoughts about your questions.

So far, this man hasn't done anything to indicate he will be faithful to you or tell you the truth. Marriage is a very serious decision for a Christian because we make vows as unto GOD. Divorce rates among Christians in recent years indicates that marriage isn't nearly as serious as it used to be, but it's supposed to be. GOD hasn't changed, and the Biblical instructions for marriage haven't changed.

At the very least, this man has shown you lying and cheating at the same time he's talking about wanting to marry you. I would say that it doesn't sound like he's ready to make a serious commitment like marriage. If you love this man, I would say to at least wait and know this man is telling you the truth and loves you before you start thinking about whether to marry him or not. Love is much more than just physical attraction. The real question is:  Do both of you really love each other enough to settle down and remain faithful ONLY to each other? If there is doubt or the answer is "No", you shouldn't get married.

For a Biblical Marriage, both of you would be Christians, and JESUS CHRIST would be the HEAD over your home. JESUS CHRIST loved HIS CHURCH enough to be crucified and die on the Cross. The Bible tells us that your husband should love you like JESUS loves the Church, in other words enough to die for you. So, REAL love should be the basis of your marriage. Further:  1) Your husband should be in subjection to JESUS CHRIST;  2) You should be in subjection to your husband. There's many more details in the Holy Bible, but these are the basics of a Christian marriage using Bible principles. It works because there is a lot of LOVE here and CHRIST is in charge. If the marriage fails, it's because of the man, the woman, or both - NOT GOD.

I hope this helps some, and I'm sure that others will have more to offer.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Ephesians 4:4-6 NASB  There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all.

[Soldier4Christ]

Hello Donna,

Welcome to Christians Unite. You ask some very important questions here and I see that Brother Tom has given some wonderful answers. I also see that you have posted in another thread that seems to have helped you some.

[musicllover]

For a Biblical Marriage, both of you would be Christians, and JESUS CHRIST would be the HEAD over your home. JESUS CHRIST loved HIS CHURCH enough to be crucified and die on the Cross. The Bible tells us that your husband should love you like JESUS loves the Church, in other words enough to die for you. So, REAL love should be the basis of your marriage. Further:  1) Your husband should be in subjection to JESUS CHRIST;  2) You should be in subjection to your husband. There's many more details in the Holy Bible, but these are the basics of a Christian marriage using Bible principles. It works because there is a lot of LOVE here and CHRIST is in charge. If the marriage fails, it's because of the man, the woman, or both - NOT GOD.[/b]

Tom,
         I like the way you explained this, sadly this is what I feel lacks in my marriage. When we married we were neather one Christian. We eventually become Christians attending a denominational church but with a full gospel flair. I always loved the full gospel side of our church, he followed the denominational side. We had an awesome church that allowed the two ways of worship that blended into a wonderful balance. When we left town and had to find another home church our "Christian" marriage fell apart because I felt very strongly about raising our kids full gospel, but he didn't. He believes the Holy Spirit is real but he didn't want to attend a full gospel church where there is too much actions and yes sometimes emotions are shown. I've tried for most of our 26 year together to go to his church, had several problems with other persons in the church and just the whole political side of the church that I disagreed with. My husband who was president of the church at the time so he knew the recourse that we could take to fix some of the problems, but he allowed me to feel the brunt of all the negative stuff and it hurt me very deeply. Its just a long story I won't bother to go into. So here we are,  I am Christian, he is Christian, but we can't agree on what church to go to. I don't feel my husband loves me like Christ loves the church, because several times in the past that he didn't defend me, (even agreeing at home what was happening was wrong) and I don't submit to him because of it. Now he goes to church and I stay home.   

Donna,
         Welcome to united, it is a great place and I hope you find answers and fellowship here. The early walk in a Christians life can be so awesome but I also know that the devil will do what he can to mess that walk up. Make sure this man is not a wolf in sheep's clothing and only saying what he believes you want to here. I believe you are wise in breaking ties with him,.

If we could only make the world more black and white we might be better off, the old adage, when in doubt, don't, comes to mind. Simple,  wrong is wrong and right is right, but its the gray areas where most of use live. We try to make concession to the word of God to meet our needs, when we should be making conecession to our need to fit the word of God. Trying to stay out of the gray area is the safest, but not always the easiest. The rule book is the word of God, but not many like to read the rules and when we do, we don't like to play by them. I read it, but I don't like some of the rules either so I'm not preaching something I know nothing about my marriage is not a strong Christian marriage as you can see from the paragraph above.  If this man is a Christian it will show in his works such as...love of the Lord, honestly,forgiveness.. what are the fruits he is showing you? Are they the fruits of a changed (or changing) heart. or are they the furits of one who is desperate?

You are asking alot of questions so you do have some doubts, right now don't do anything, this is a gray area. Being a young Christian you don't have a good knowledge of the scriptures, but keep reading it does come. Let me say this and give you food for thought maybe what your feeling is the Holy Spirits guidance and warning to you.

Keep reading your bible and if you can write the Scriptures down that is speaking to you so you can read them again and again. Don't forget to pray for wisdom and guidance by the Holy Spirit. If God intends for you and this man to be together he will make it right and in his time.

I live in the gray area to much too, and I've been a Christian for over 20 years. So I'm talking to myself here too.

This isn't much  but I wanted to speak up and welcome you. God is guiding you this is a great forum and has wonderful wise moderators to help uphold the word.

Blessings,
muscllover

[Amisk]

Welcome to this fine Forum Donna. I too am fairly new here as well.

I have really no criticism of what Tom has written, however I might add a few thoughts.

I would say to you that in even contemplating marriage with this gentleman, you are taking on a big risk for your future live. From what you have said about him, he doesn't have too good a tract record.

He is divorced. He has been living in a common-in-law relationship and therefore marriage hasn't really been much of a commitment to him. You will likely find that he is not committed to your marriage either.

Remember marriage is a life time agreement. It is perhaps one of the few contracts in life in which there are no outs! It is a vow taken between husband and wife and  God. Your husband may allow you to your break the vows but God never does. Therefore walk cautiously. A good man is the answer to every lady's dreams but a bad one is like an albatross around your neck for a life time. A good marriage is heaven on earth but a bad one is the closest thing to Hell you will experience this side of the grave.

You will talk to some Christians that offer divorce as an alternative to a bad marriage, but God doesn't include that in His part of any marriage. It is legal to divorce in most countries of today's world, that we can't argue, but Jesus himself made divorce and remarriage an immoral act.

Take your Bible and read Jesus own words on divorce and re-marriage.

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
 
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. Matthew 5: 31 -32
 
.......................................................................... ...........................................
"The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
 
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
 
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
 
They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
 
He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."  Matthew 19:3-9
 
This is the words of Jesus himself on the matters of divorce and re-marriage. As you know and likely believe He is finally authority for all Christians. We need not seek to interpret what He has said. He is always straight fore-ward.

Of course, no one thinks of divorce when talking marriage, but in this case the man you are talking about is according to Jesus still married morally to his wife. For you or anyone esle to take on a marriage with him as long as his wife lives is adultery or sin.

The best thing you can do is refuse to see him when he gets out of jail and to cease all correspondence with him now and in the future, anything else could lead to sin. We know that prayer is not necessary here, because God never changes His mind even if we pray for Him to do so. Beginning marriage in sin will only lead to heartache even if this man's past life of crime doesn't haunt your life together.

I write in concern for you. I hope what I have written will be of help to you in your Christian life and your thoughts on companionship and marriage with this gentleman.

[Shammu]

Hello Donna, and welcome to Christians Unite forum.  I can't add anything cause the others have given you excellent advice.  Follow what the Bible says, and you can't go wrong.

[Maryjane]

Hi Donna and welcome the family og God and to the forum...

I read that you are a new christian...I will pray that you will be in a fellowship of christians who will disciple you...that you will be in fertile ground...grounded in the word of God...When you accepted the Lord...you were born again in Him and the old Donna is gone and the new Donna has been cleansed by the blood of Jesus..""Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him  and he cannot sin, because he is born of God" I John 3:9...

Please read the post on what you have now in Christ...you will be illuminated...I believe it would be a great study for you to begin with your walk as you are a babe in Christ...Look up the scriptures in your bible and meditate on them daily...God's word is faithful and true and knowledge of God's word is powerful.  Apply it to your life....

[Maryjane]

Donna...There is something I must post to you...

Many women and men accept the worst in relationships  out of loneliness...YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ALONE ...God's love for you is so great..His hand has always been on you protecting you from what loneliness and depression can cause...even when you did not know Him, He knows you and He knows your heart when man does not...He knows exactly what you need in your life....You are so loved and He cares so much for you that He will give you exactly what you need...In everything you do, wait on the Lord for you will not be disappointed..nor rejected...

 

[Donna]

This hit me so hard. I have always felt rejection and all I really want is to be loved and to be accepted. I have been through so many relationships and all bad because of this and it is a art of my life I do not like to admit. Does God really change a life then I want Him to change mine because I am so tired of me. I am so tired of loving people that are not good for me just ot be loved I let people treat me badly. I do not have a church but I will find one this Sunday. I have read what you suggested and I hope it is for me too. Thank you for being truthful with me.

[Maryjane]

God knew before you spoke of what you were going through and His compassion and mercy for you is more than you can imagine...Trust the Lord...Read His Word and apply it to your life...for it is life...You will find without a doubt how much God loves you and His plan for your life...Did you know that through all those times your heart was breaking, He was so close to you?...Did you know that He knows every tear you have shed, but most of all He knew your need..and at that very moment you called out to Him, He was waiting for you and all the angels in heaven rejoiced over your coming to the Father through our precious Savior, Jesus Christ..His Son...
Give thanks every day not for what you have or what you want but for who HE IS...
I assure you...He will change your life and give you life abundant...you will never be the same..and give your testimony to those who do not know the Lord...for your testimony isecious to those who thirst as you have...

Sincerely...
Maryjane

[Faithin1]

Donna, Welcome to Christians Unite!  I can only add my prayers, since you have received such excellent advise already.  May God bless you.

[Debp]

I do not have a church but I will find one this Sunday. I have read what you suggested and I hope it is for me too. Thank you for being truthful with me.

Donna, I hope you will find a good church....this will be a great support to you in your Christian growth and life.  You might try visiting a few churches to find one that is right for you.  Of course, you want a good Bible teaching church, but also one with loving people....that will love, accept and try to help you in your Christian walk.  God bless you.

[islandboy]

From reading all the posts I can see and agree you have been given some very good advice. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you will have the strength to continue on the path you have chosen. One of the hardest things in life is turning and walking away from people who are dear to us in some way or fashion and yet we know in our hearts that being around them draws us away from God. It is a real trial and heartache to pull away, but having done so I believe you are better off for it.
This is a really great Christian forum. Please feel free to ask any questions and visit other topics that may give you answers as well.
May God's peace be with you daily and may you feel His Grace and Love.