Christian And Church Humor

[Forrest]

"WHO AM I " AWESOME





While praying one day a woman asked, "Who are you, God?" He answered, "I AM." "But, who is I AM?" she said.

And He replied.

"I Am Love,

I AM Peace

I AM Grace,

I AM Joy

I Am the Way, Truth, and the Light,

I AM the Comforter

I AM Strength,

I AM Safety

I AM Shelter,

I AM Power

I Am the Creator,

I AM the Beginning and the End

I AM the Most High."

The girl, with tears in her eyes looked toward Heaven and said,
"Now I understand. But, Lord, who am I?"

Then God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered,
"YOU are MINE!"

[Forrest]

Fishing Story

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the
experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.
The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked. The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."

Sometimes, like that fisherman, we throwback the big plans, big dreams, big jobs, big opportunities that God gives us. Our faith is too small.

We laugh at that fisherman who didn't figure out that all he needed was a bigger frying pan, yet how ready are we to increase the size of our faith?

Whether it's a problem or a possibility, God will never give you anything bigger than you can handle.

That means we can confidently walk into anything God brings our way.

You can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4: 13. ) Nothing is too big for God. REMEMBER:

Stop telling God you've got big problems.

Tell your problems you've got a BIG GOD!

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

THANKS BROTHER! I'll be sharing these with my mother in a few hours. She will love all of them.

In Christ,
Tom

[nChrist]

Singing Practice:

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

[Forrest]

SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.  Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS.."  Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING
GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE
BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell in total silence.  Everyone was
in shock.  They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to
say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

                               

[Forrest]

Home Improvements in Hell



An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer  was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered,



"Yeah, right.





And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Brother Love]

"WHO AM I " AWESOME





While praying one day a woman asked, "Who are you, God?" He answered, "I AM." "But, who is I AM?" she said.

And He replied.

"I Am Love,

I AM Peace

I AM Grace,

I AM Joy

I Am the Way, Truth, and the Light,

I AM the Comforter

I AM Strength,

I AM Safety

I AM Shelter,

I AM Power

I Am the Creator,

I AM the Beginning and the End

I AM the Most High."

The girl, with tears in her eyes looked toward Heaven and said,
"Now I understand. But, Lord, who am I?"

Then God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered,
"YOU are MINE!"

Right On!  

Brother Love

[Raphu]

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your behind look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

[Willowbirch]

 

[nChrist]

Shirley Goodnest:

Timmy was a five-year-old boy.  His mother loved him very much.  A worrier, she was concerned when he started kindergarten about his walking to school. She walked him to school for a couple of days, but one day he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day.  He wanted to be like the "big boys."
 
She had an idea how to handle it.  She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
 
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well.
 
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl Marcy set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy.  She did this for the whole week.
 
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that a lady was following them every day all week. Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us?  Do you know her?"
 
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
 
"Well, who is she?"
 
"That's Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.
 
"Shirley Goodnest?  Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?"
 
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much.  "And the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
 

[sincereheart]

Reverend Author.....

The Pastor was very well known and a popular guest speaker
at religious conventions. But he had a habit of always talking
about the book he had written, sometimes going so far as to
read it aloud from the pulpit. But because he drew in such large crowds he was asked to speak at the next convention and give the opening prayer on the condition that he would say nothing about his book.

The day arrives and the pastor steps up to the pulpit and asks for everyone to stand and bow their heads for the opening prayer. He begins to speak, "Our Father who are in Heaven and who also once wrote a book....."
 

[nChrist]

(It's an old one, but I still like it.)

Everybody Knows Bubba:

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, " Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?

[nChrist]

Little Johnny:

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

[nChrist]

In God's Army:

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

[nChrist]

What's in Your Mail?

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he
went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get one either?!!!