Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Fair Tax

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"I know," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

[nChrist]

Young Patient

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

[nChrist]

Tennis Ball Lesson

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

[nChrist]

A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

[fcww]

thanks for the jokes tom i found them funny. I think we all need to lighten up sometimes.

[nChrist]

thanks for the jokes tom i found them funny. I think we all need to lighten up sometimes.

You're most welcome. We all have time for some laughter each day.

[Shammu]

Murphy's computers laws

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Every non trivial program has at least one bug

Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.

Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.

The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.

Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.

Lulled into Security Law

A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.

A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.

A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.

Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.

The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.

The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.

Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.

When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.

Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.

If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.

If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.

No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.

All components become obsolete.

The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.

Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.

Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.

Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.

If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.

A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.

All Constants are Variables.

[Shammu]

More Murphy's computers laws

Most computer errors can be attributed to a similar problem - a screw loose behind the keyboard.

Whenever you need a crucial file from the server, the network will be down.

Whenever you need a crucial file from your hard drive, your computer will crash.

E-mailed tasking will always come just before you log off.

A quarantined virus - will be opened.

A chain letter - will be sent.  To global.  A dozen times.

The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does.

The chances of getting off work on time is inversely proportional to how much e-mail the boss leaves for until end of the day.

The faster you need a hardcopy, the more people will be using the only office printer.

General Fault Errors are the "Check Engine" light of computers. If it can be fixed, chances are it's not by you.

A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs.

The chances of a program doing what it's supposed to do is inversely proportional to the number of lines of code used to write it.

The probability of forgetting your password is directly proportional to the frequency of changing it.

No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months.

The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it won't run.

Failure is not an option, it's included with the software.

A program is good when it's bug free - which is impossible.

If you forget to save you're work every 5 minutes, it will break down after you've been at it for an hour.

It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.

The amount of time taken to successfully complete a software project is in direct proportion to the amount of Marketing input.

Corollary: Marketing should not be located in the same city - much less on the same campus - as Engineering and/or Programming.

The only thing worse than an end-user without a clue is an end-user who has a clue - usually the wrong one.

According to most Tech Support people, the most common user error message (regardless of Operating System) is ID 10T.

End-users' Corollary 1: most application failures occur between the hours of 2 and 4 am on a Sunday night - with a 6 am Monday deadline for the project.

End-users' Corollary 2: On the graveyard shift, there's no Tech Support to hear you scream!

Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, "Watch this!"

corollary: If you call another programmer over to see if he knows what's wrong the bug disappears.

The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching.

An employee rank is in inverse proportion to his use of a computer, and in proportion to its performance.

The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus

If a project is completed on schedule, it wasn't debugged properly.

Non Crash Operating System aren't.

The worst bugs in your program will show up only during the final review.

The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is.

If it works, it's production. If it doesn't, it's a test.

Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

A computer that has been on the market for 6 weeks is still usable as a boat anchor.

[nChrist]

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular color shade soothes homicidal tendencies.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of deer hunting attractant.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as Jehova's Witness tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your rear look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

[nChrist]

Crocheted Dolls

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.

They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[nChrist]

Christmas Treats

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

[HisDaughter]

Love that BEP and must pass it on!

[HisDaughter]

You Know You Need A New Car When....

You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to
get the duct tape replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get
accused of stealing.

The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risks"

You return to your car and find someone broke in and left
a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops
behind you.

[HisDaughter]

Actual Answers Given By contestants on "The Family Feud"
Game Show

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Something with a hole in it – Window

[nChrist]

Actual Answers Given By contestants on "The Family Feud"
Game Show

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Something with a hole in it – Window

    Can we assume they didn't do well?