Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

The Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

5/ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6/ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound....apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country...

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years........just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it..

[nChrist]

Driving Flash

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

[nChrist]

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

[nChrist]

Cinderella Question

The tax accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

[nChrist]

Miracle Cure

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

[nChrist]

Drum Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"

[nChrist]

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

[nChrist]

Civil War Re-enactment

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.

That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"

[nChrist]

Car Cow Sale

A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........

    BASIC COW...............................$500.00
    Two tone exterior..........................$45.00
    Extra stomach...............................$75.00
    Product storing equipment..........$60.00
    Straw compartment....................$120.00
    4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00
    Leather upholstery......................$125.00
    Dual horns.....................................$45.00
    Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
    Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00
    GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00

[nChrist]

Pink Humvees

Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began. One renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker: "Ask me about Mary Kay."

[nChrist]

Wedding Blessing

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

[nChrist]

Happy Songs

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

[nChrist]

Failing Eyesight

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

[nChrist]

Walk-In Scream

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Shammu]

Walk-In Scream

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Now that is funny!!!!!!