Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Tournament Weather

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

[HisDaughter]

[HisDaughter]

     

[nChrist]

Consider these snagged. All they need is some horns.

[nChrist]

Military Initials

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

[Shammu]

I was thinking earlier how this world is like Noah's time..................

I also figured out, that Noah was the greatest financial genus in the world ever to live. During the flood, Noah floated all his stock, while the rest of the world fell in liquidation.

[nChrist]

I was thinking earlier how this world is like Noah's time..................

I also figured out, that Noah was the greatest financial genus in the world ever to live. During the flood, Noah floated all his stock, while the rest of the world fell in liquidation.

       

[nChrist]

Salt and Mensa

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

[Shammu]

This Is Creepy!!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it Out loud as You scroll down.

Keep going ...

Don't stop .....


Think of an Animal That begins With that letter.


Repeat it Out loud As you Scroll down.


Think of Either a man's/woman's Name That Begins With the Last letter In the Animals name


Almost There.........


Now Count out The letters In that name On the fingers Of the hand You are not Using to Scroll down.


Take the Hand you FIRST counted with And hold it out in front of you At face level.

Look at your Palm Very closely And Notice The Lines In Your Hand.

Do the lines Take the Form of the first letter In the Persons name??



.



Of course not..

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the crud out of yourself, and quit playing stupid games!!

[Shammu]

"Old Dogs"

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old  German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, no! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his  back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about  to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,  'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are anymore around here?'

Hearing this, the young  leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror  comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up..........

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German  Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!!  Wisdom and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.






You did notice the size of the print, didn't you??

[Shammu]

TOOLS AND THEIR USES

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint warts and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as new seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[nChrist]

"Old Dogs"

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old  German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, no! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his  back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about  to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,  'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are anymore around here?'

Hearing this, the young  leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror  comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up..........

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German  Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!!  Wisdom and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.






You did notice the size of the print, didn't you??

       All I can say is that I'm waiting for another leopard.

[Shammu]

      All I can say is that I'm waiting for another leopard.

I was thinking of you and Rocky when I posted this.

[nChrist]

Sermon Content

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

[nChrist]

Cell Phone Find

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"