Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

   
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obamas health care plan

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care plan being developed by the Obama Team. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were ticked off at the whole idea. The anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ding-bats in Washington.

      GREAT! - I needed this laugh, but it's the TRUTH!

 

[nChrist]

Paper Eater

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."

[Shammu]

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms ; A gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a 50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns and fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many people does it take to change a person with ME/CFS's light bulb?

Doctor: "The light bulb is not broken. You just think it is."

Consultant" "The light bulb is broken, but I can't help you."

OT: "We need to get you to the point where you can change it yourself."

Alternative Therapist: "You must learn to love your broken light bulb as it is."

Benefits Officer" "Fill in form LB06 if you think you are entitled to a replacement light bulb or form LB08 if your carer is less than 5 feet tall."

Govt Minister: "Bogus light bulb claimants will be name and shamed."

Spouse/parent/carer: "There you are. That's done now."

Person with ME/CFS: "Ow, turn it off! You know I'm light sensitive."

[Shammu]

Just another day at the bar

A guy walked into the bar and went straight up to the bartender.

He said, "I've been looking for you all day", at which point he pulled out a gun and shot the bartender in the head.

The guy then turns to the first patron standing by the bar and asked: "Did you see that?"

The patron answers "Yes", and the guy shoots him in the head.

He then turns to the next patron and asks him: "Did you see that?"

The second patron replies: "No but my wife did and she's right over there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Blond Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.  The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.  She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blond mortician a blank check and she says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.  To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She say to the mortician, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied.  You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.  How much did you spend?"  To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blond says, it cost nothing.  You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.  I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

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"So I just switched the heads."

[nChrist]

       You're killin' me!

"So I just switched the heads."

 

[nChrist]

French Dream

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.

To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"

"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"

"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

[nChrist]

Just Visiting Here

The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.

She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."

"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"

"I'm just visiting here."

[nChrist]

Back To School

After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

[nChrist]

Overboard Rescue

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."

[Shammu]

State of Arkansas Residency Application


 Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)       (_) Billy-Joe
                        (_) Billy-Ray
                        (_) Billy-Sue
                        (_) Billy-Mae
                        (_) Billy-Jack
                        (Check appropriate box)

 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

 Occupation:
 (_) Farmer
 (_) Mechanic
 (_) Hair Dresser
 (_) Un-employed

 Spouse's Name: __________________________

 Relationship with spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: ___
 Number that are yours: ___

 Mother's Name: _______

 Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
                    completed)

 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

 Do you have a gun rack?
 (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_) The National Enquirer
 (_) The Globe
 (_) TV Guide
 (_) Soap Opera Digest
 (_) Rifle and Shotgun

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

 Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)to far
 (_)don't know

[Shammu]

Customer feedback


MCDONELL DOUGLASS                   
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
 
Important! Important!
 
Please fill out and mail this card
within tee days of purchase.
 
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell
Douglas military aircraft.  In order
to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below.

Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help
us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.
 
1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.
   _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other
 
First Name ______________
Initial__________________
Last Name________________
 
Latitude_________________
Longitude________________
 
Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________
 
2. Which model aircraft did you
purchase?
 
__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon
__F-119A Stealth __Classified
 
3. Date of purchase:
Month_____Day_____
Year______________
 
4. Serial Number______
 
5. Please check where this
product was purchased:
 
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Hijacked it using one of our spies
_Classified
 
6. Please check how you became aware
of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
 
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors
which most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one
 in combat
 
8. Please check the location(s) where
this product will be used:
 
_Latin America
_South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified
 
9. Please check the products that you
currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:
 
Product         Own   Intend to purchase

ICBM
Killer Satellite
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Nuclear Weapon
Hydrogen/Neutron Bomb
Light Sabre
X-Wing Fighter
Millenium Falcon
Imperial Star Destroyer
Death Star
 
10. How would you describe yourself or
your organization?  Check all that
apply:
 
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Islamic Fundamentalist
_Zionist
_Nazi
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal
 
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell
Douglas product?
 
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveller's Check
_Swiss bank account transactions
_Counterfeit $100 bills

12. Occupation      You   Your Spouse
 
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Corporate CEO
Dictator
Oil Billionaire
Drug Lord
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student
 
13. To help us understand our Customers'
lifestyles, please indicate all the
interests and activities in which you
and your spouse enjoy participating in
on a regular basis:
 
Activity/Interest       You  Spouse

Sabotage
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Bankruptcy
Industrial Espionage
Black Market/Smuggling
Interrogation/Torture
Crushing Rebellions
Military Reconnaissance
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Golf

Thanks for taking the time to fill out
this questionnaire.  Your answers will
be used in market studies that will
help McDonnell Douglas serve you better
in the future -- as well as allowing
you to receive mailings and special
offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious
consortia.
 
Comments or suggestions about our
fighter planes?  Please write to:
 
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

[Shammu]

Pronouncing English

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hic-cough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

[nChrist]

State of Arkansas Residency Application


 Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)       (_) Billy-Joe
                        (_) Billy-Ray
                        (_) Billy-Sue
                        (_) Billy-Mae
                        (_) Billy-Jack
                        (Check appropriate box)

 Age: ____
 Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
 Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

 Occupation:
 (_) Farmer
 (_) Mechanic
 (_) Hair Dresser
 (_) Un-employed

 Spouse's Name: __________________________

 Relationship with spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: ___
 Number that are yours: ___

 Mother's Name: _______

 Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
                    completed)

 Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

 ___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

 Do you have a gun rack?
 (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_) The National Enquirer
 (_) The Globe
 (_) TV Guide
 (_) Soap Opera Digest
 (_) Rifle and Shotgun

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

 Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)to far
 (_)don't know

          ROFL - Can you take this test over if you flunk it the first time?

 

[Shammu]

         ROFL - Can you take this test over if you flunk it the first time?

 

In your case brother, I think we can allow that to happen..............

[nChrist]

Chapstick

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.

Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's rear end.

Author Unknown