Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Photo Apology

Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.

"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."

[nChrist]

Hunting Pairs

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"

[nChrist]

Funeral Weather

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[nChrist]

Broken Bone

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."

[HisDaughter]

One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts". Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming". Now it made sense.

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A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said.

The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach."

"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.

"Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months."

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There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

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When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they expect the pastor to live on the food of a canary.

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The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: "Due unto others."



                                             

[nChrist]

Chocolate Calories

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

[nChrist]

Tech Smoke

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

[Shammu]

Tech Smoke

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

Now that is funny, and I needed that laugh!!!!!!!

[HisDaughter]

What would you get if you crossed a Democrat with Yankee Doodle?
Yankee Doofus!

[nChrist]

What would you get if you crossed a Democrat with Yankee Doodle?
Yankee Doofus!

          This one's a KEEPER.

[Shammu]

What would you get if you crossed a Democrat with Yankee Doodle?
Yankee Doofus!

But I loved the movie, Yankee Doodle Dandy!!

[Shammu]

    
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

[nChrist]

       And my favorite..

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[nChrist]

I Always Wondered About That

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

(Groan)

[nChrist]

Live to 100

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."