Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer

In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" . . .
 
 

[nChrist]

            Hilarious! I can visualize them doing that sketch.

[HisDaughter]

Computer Terms For Rednecks

BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.

BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.

BYTE: What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.

CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.

CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.

CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.

DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.

FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.

HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.

MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.

MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.

NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.

ROM: Where the pope lives.

SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.

SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.

SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear.
 

[nChrist]

        ROFL!

Grammyluv, I'll have to say it's impossible for me to choose which redneck computer term I like the best, but I lean toward "chip" and "diskette". I saw something like this once, but it wasn't nearly as comprehensive. Oooooophs, I missed "digital".

[HisDaughter]

WHAT DOCTORS SAY / WHAT THEY'RE REALLY THINKING

* "This should be taken care of right away."
(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)

* "Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I'm going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.)
 

[HisDaughter]

Math Trick Phone Number

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I
would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running
the country.

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your
head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area
code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ?
 

[nChrist]

Job Impressions

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

[nChrist]

Parachute Training

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

(Small Print:   Groan)

[nChrist]

Heredity

Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.

The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence."

Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"

(Small Print:  Another Groan)

[HisDaughter]

Games For The Elderly

Sag, You're it
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Musical recliners. 
 

[nChrist]

Games For The Elderly

Sag, You're it
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Musical recliners. 
 

        ROFL, OK, I resemble some of these, but I won't say which ones.

[nChrist]

Second Wave

While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.

Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"

[HisDaughter]

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application


Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female____both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list:

Brand of cell phone: ________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check haircolor:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ________
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ________

TEST

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:

a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
 

[nChrist]

    

Hello Grammyluv,

The above is about right, but a few could be added these days.

[nChrist]

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."