Laughter - Good Medicine

[Soldier4Christ]

And many of them should do just that.

[HisDaughter]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on.  The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and  said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet  he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
   
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're  on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the  guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. 
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed  her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your  money.' 
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw  this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would  jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...

[HisDaughter]

Over The Hill

We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.

We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."

We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.

And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labor or pain.
Now it's with cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.

We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis.

But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say.
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here.
 
 

[HisDaughter]

Funny Old Age Quotes:

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns.

"He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried."
Geoffrey Madan

"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns.

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap." Bob Hope

"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my
ears meet." Rita Rudner.

"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing
all the time." Greer Garson.

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had
pimples." George Burns

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control
of your estate." Woody Allen

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to
be anywhere." George Burns.

"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did."
Robert Benchley

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt." Herbert
Hoover

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill."
George Burns

"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." Sophie Tucker

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore.

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,
sold me this watch." Woody Allen.

"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns.

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She burried three husbands and two
of them were just napping." Rita Rudner

[Danny C]

Husband to wife.......Why did God make you so beautiful yet so dumb!

Wife to husband.......Well Dear, He made me beautiful so that you would marry me and dumb so that I would marry you!

[Danny C]

 
The Blinking Light 
 
 


Sixty year old John went on to his annual checkup. The doctor asked him if he was still getting up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom.
       
      He replied, "Yes But the lord has made it much better for me, He turns on the light when I go and He turns off the light when I am done".
       
      The doctor replied, "Really"!!!
       
      About and hour after that the doctor called Johns wife and said: He looks fine. But he said that God is making it better for him, when he gets up and Goes to the bathroom during the night God turns on and off the light.
       
      She replied, "that old fool he has been going to the bathroom in the refrigerator again".

[nChrist]

           ROFL! - Thanks! - I needed those laughs!

[HisDaughter]

25 Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.
 

[Shammu]

Americans grew tired of being thought to be dumb by the rest of the world. So they went to the polls and removed all doubt.

[nChrist]

Americans grew tired of being thought to be dumb by the rest of the world. So they went to the polls and removed all doubt.

           ROFL!

I had to answer "YES" to most of the signs above that you're getting old, but I wasn't led off the cliff on the vote. Realistically, it's probably one of the signs of the times and part of what will one day be a rude awakening. Things like this just convince me more that the rude awakening is probably soon.

[HisDaughter]

You Might Be A Democrate If...

* You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress.

* You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

* Along the same lines, "Four Dead in OHIO" by Neil Young gives you goosebumps, but "19" by Paul Hardcastle means nothing to you.

* You say shows like "Leave It to Beaver" are out of touch with America today, while you flip to your soap opera.

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

* You want to know why we don't offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn't that what public schools are for).

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a "colored person."

* You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.

* You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

* You outwardly said "I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole" knowing darn well you wouldn't have because she is a Republican.

* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones' accusations to be swept under the rug.

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

* You sang along to "Give Peace a Chance" during the Gulf War.

* You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.

* You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

* You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed." 
 

[nChrist]

What Happened

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[nChrist]

Car Moving

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

[nChrist]

Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You

Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.

A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.

Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.

Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

[sentry]

Joe was having a lot of problems and things were getting worse, so he finally broke down and prayed.  " God, I know that I don't talk to you a lot but I need your help.  I've lost my business and will probably lose my home and car if you don't help.  Would you please let me win the lottery on Friday". Friday came and someone else won.  Again Joe called on God " OK I've lost my business and now my home and car and my wife and children are hungry,  I've always tried to live good and do what I feel you would have me do, so please God let me win the lottery this Friday".  All of a sudden loud thunder and flashes of light and the voice of God called on Joe.  " Joe, do me a favor, meet me half-way, buy a lottery ticket this week"