Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.

If absense makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah--he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Ruth-less.

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar--he was on grass for seven years.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson--he brought the house down.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were really put out.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
They really raised Cain.

The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
They used floodlights.

[HisDaughter]

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

Which bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

Why didn't Noah go fishing?
He only had two worms!

How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.

What did Jesus do when he walked into the Holiday Inn?"
He threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[nChrist]

New Diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.

There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

[nChrist]

2 Requests

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[nChrist]

Pawn Return

In 1952 I was in the Army and had just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.

I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.

On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.

Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".

[nChrist]

Post Card Help

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"

[kernowlyn]

Bran Flakes


The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure.'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your flaming Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[nChrist]

       Thanks Kernolyn! - I needed that laugh. I think that I'm going to eat a dozen candy bars. I'll be right back.

[kernowlyn]

Here`s one especially for you Blackeyedpeas, or maybe you`ve had your fill of candy.

Candy Dispenser

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.

"I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

[HisDaughter]

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

 

[HisDaughter]

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

----------------

A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" at which moment she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! But don't SHOVE me."

[HisDaughter]

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

[nChrist]

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

      I'm sure this made the preacher feel much better. Besides, snoring and talking in your sleep are worst problems.

[nChrist]

75 Stories

Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

(Small Print:     This one is funny and certainly not a groaner.)

[HisDaughter]

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven. . ."

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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

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A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the devil?"

"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my daddy."

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A six year old boy was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

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A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."