Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority

of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am

allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions

asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running

for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the

Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately

went to the fence and shouted.....

Your card! Show him your card!'

[nChrist]

       ROFL!

Good morning Sister Yvette!

I'll go ahead and admit that your's was better than mine. I'll ask my wife again to share everything with me that the teachers do. You do know that those teachers are a wild bunch - don't you? By the way, here the teachers are still mostly the old-fashioned Christian teachers.

[HisDaughter]

All too rarely these days, do we find a little humor in the airline industry. Airline attendants and pilots making an effort to bring a little enjoyment into what can be a stressful situation..

Here are some real examples.
   
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want. passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
"On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. ;WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull;tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival anouncement: " We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Soldier4Christ]

lol ... Sounds like my kind of airlines.

[HisDaughter]

Obama Is So Pretty

Obama is so pretty that the new symbol of the Democrat Party will be a unicorn

Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him

Obama is so pretty that the White House Rose Garden will need to triple in size

Obama is so pretty that his anti-matter version is James Carville

Obama is so pretty that his supporters think that he's smart

Obama is so pretty that he won't ride in Ted Kennedy's car

Obama is so pretty that he would be a 10 if his Daddy owned a liquor store

Obama is so pretty that he would even look good in a Hillary pantsuit

Obama is so pretty that when he goes to Iraq he has to wear a Burka

Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips

Obama is so pretty that his mirror on the wall was struck speechless

Obama is so pretty that he can wear white after labor day

[HisDaughter]

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.



6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12 .. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 Procrastinate Now!



19.. I Have a Degree in Libera l Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.



22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.



25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three

thousand times the memory.



26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.



28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.


Don'tcha just love Maxine?!  I've had a coffee for years with her that says...
"And on the sixth day God created man....
Oh that God...what a kidder!   

[nChrist]

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.



6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12 .. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 Procrastinate Now!



19.. I Have a Degree in Libera l Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.



22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.



25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three

thousand times the memory.



26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.



28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.


Don'tcha just love Maxine?!  I've had a coffee for years with her that says...
"And on the sixth day God created man....
Oh that God...what a kidder!   

           ROFL! - Best laugh I've had in a long time.  THANKS!

[nChrist]

Swahili Gasp

A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"

(Small Print:  I don't speak Swahili - BUT I can fake it.)

[HisDaughter]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard
and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one
person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of
this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read:
"Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.

[Soldier4Christ]

In the 1940's, "Once in Virginia," said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, "I passed a small church displaying a large sign. It read 'Annual Strawberry Festival' and , below in small letters, 'On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'"



In the 1960's, A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. "Maybe it's our long hair," I joked. With that my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: "Going to the barber's." Within seconds we had a ride.


In the 1970's, A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up to work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."


In the 1980's, While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. "Waht do you think?" he asked his girlfriend. "Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous."


In the 1990's, My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day he realized that he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. "How do you get out of here?" Jim asked. The fellow smiled and said, "No cheese for you."


In the 2000's, A young lady that was five feet three inches and pleasingly plump had a minor accident. Her mother accompanied her to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked the young lady for her height and weight at which time she blurted out, "Five feet eight and 125 pounds." "Sweetheart," the mother gently chided, "this is not the internet."

[nChrist]

Good Old Days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."

[nChrist]

Philosophy Chair

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

(Small Print:  NO - this is NOT a groaner.)

[nChrist]

Gender Request

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."

[nChrist]

Tycoon Banter

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.

The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".

The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".

[nChrist]

A Primer For Accordion Beginners

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.

They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most important:

1. The bellows must be moving in or out.
2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the stupid "C".

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.