Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

When I think of Winston Churchill, I think of a crusty old BULLDOG - tenacious and demanding! He was a prolific writer and a great leader during a horrible time. In reflection, things could have been much worse in the results of World War II. In short, I give thanks that we had many courageous men and women who bled and died to secure the freedom we enjoy today. There is a continuing need in every generation for men and women of courage, determination, and a sense of duty to something much greater than themselves. We are spoiled in this part of the world, mainly because we've always had an abundance of courageous men and women who were willing to serve others. Think about it:  what would have been different without FREEDOM? This is also cause to THANK GOD every single day of our lives!

[HisDaughter]

THEOLOGY ... KID STYLE!

1. Dear God ... Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda

2. Dear God ... Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God ... I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. God ... I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

5. Dear God . How did you know you were God? Who told you?! Charlene

6. Dear God .. Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God ... I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God .. I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water too. Glenn

9. Dear God ... My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

10. Dear God . Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God ... Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God ... In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God ... How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God ... Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God ... Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God .. I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

17. Dear God ... My brother told me about how you are born, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha

18. Dear God ... If you watch in Church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God . Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God ... I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles

21. Dear God ... It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God ... I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last ...

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.! Thomas Jim Hallen

[HisDaughter]

Illegal Immigrants flooding border areas!

A flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and, Unitarians crossing their fields at  night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota .

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half dozen young vegans disguised in powdered blue wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their  age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art history and English majors does one country need?"

[Soldier4Christ]

The liberals would fit right in with current Canadian policies. Everyone would think they were residents there.

[nChrist]

THEOLOGY ... KID STYLE!

1. Dear God ... Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda

2. Dear God ... Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God ... I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. God ... I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

5. Dear God . How did you know you were God? Who told you?! Charlene

6. Dear God .. Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God ... I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God .. I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water too. Glenn

9. Dear God ... My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

10. Dear God . Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God ... Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God ... In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God ... How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God ... Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God ... Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God .. I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

17. Dear God ... My brother told me about how you are born, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha

18. Dear God ... If you watch in Church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God . Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God ... I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles

21. Dear God ... It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God ... I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last ...

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.! Thomas Jim Hallen

             THANKS GRAMMYLUV!

Sister, I love to listen to children talk about JESUS and GOD. These are priceless.

[nChrist]

Away Messages

When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:

1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.

4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).

5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

[HisDaughter]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

[nChrist]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

          THANKS! - I needed that laugh!

[nChrist]

Brave Firefighters

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

[nChrist]

A Hi-Tech Litmus Test

This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.

If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.

If it turns blue, see your dentist.

If it turns red, see your bank manager.

If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.

If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
______________________________________

[nChrist]

Anti-Burglar Signs

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

[HisDaughter]

Anti-Burglar Signs


Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

That would do it for me!   

[HisDaughter]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. So he opened it and read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of that day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, again addressed to God.

All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious Christmas dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving idiots at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

[nChrist]

     

NOW THAT'S FUNNY!

(Small Print:  But I'm somewhat warped in terms of humor.)

[HisDaughter]

The Law Of...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair:     After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2. Law of the Workshop:     Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

3. Law of Probability:       The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.   

4. Law of the Telephone:      When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.   

5. Law of the Alibi:     If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you really will have a flat tire.   

6. Law of Variation:     If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)     

7. Law of Bathing :      After the body is fully immersed in warm, soothing water, the telephone rings.     

8. Law of Close Encounters:      The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.   

9. Law of the Result:    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.   Likewise, if you try to prove that a machine will work, it won't.

10. Law of Biomechanics:   The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.     

11. Theatre Rule:    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.   

12. Law of Coffee:      As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.   

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers:   If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.   

 14. Law of the Locker Room:     If you are uncomfortable being naked; the dressing room will fill up with greek gods or goddesses.   

 15. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 

16. Law of Location:    No matter where you go, there you are.     

17. Law of Logical Argument:    Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.     

18. Brown's Law:    If the shoe fits, it's ugly.   

19. Oliver's Law:    A closed mouth gathers no feet.     

20. Wilson 's Law:    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it or the store will stop stocking it.