Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Vinnie and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions.First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
'Okay... now what?'

Okay so my sense of humor is warped!!

[HisDaughter]

A man walks into a bar Starbucks one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Here, ....I'll do it myself.....

[nChrist]

A man walks into a bar Starbucks one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Here, ....I'll do it myself.....

       

I SURRENDER! I don't think I have a chance of beating your groaners unless I hire a consultant. I'm thinking about the THREE STOOGES INSTITUTE OF HIGHER LEARNING! 

[nChrist]

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

....IDIOT....

I used to like Harold.

[Shammu]

Since a LOT of families are focused on "beginning of the school year" activities right now (whether we're students, parents, teachers or whatever) I thought I'd share this.... about the importance of
ALWAYS USING YOUR SPELL CHECKER!!

"Ode to Spell Checker"

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checked tolled me sew.

[Shammu]

Angels Explained by Children

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and His son, who's a very good carpenter.
Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, 7

[nChrist]

Since a LOT of families are focused on "beginning of the school year" activities right now (whether we're students, parents, teachers or whatever) I thought I'd share this.... about the importance of
ALWAYS USING YOUR SPELL CHECKER!!

"Ode to Spell Checker"

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checked tolled me sew.

       

THANKS! - This is definitely a classic keeper.

[HisDaughter]

Angels Explained by Children

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8

Angels

I think that's the same angel that I had.

[HisDaughter]

     

I SURRENDER! I don't think I have a chance of beating your groaners unless I hire a consultant. I'm thinking about the THREE STOOGES INSTITUTE OF HIGHER LEARNING! 

[HisDaughter]

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

[Soldier4Christ]

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Oh-oh ... here comes the tomato protection activists.

[nChrist]

How Can Any Student Pass?

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days. Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays - 52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays - 50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep - 130 days GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing - (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing) means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social being) - means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days - per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays) - 40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!!!!!!!!!! Days left = 0

How can any student pass?

[nChrist]

Cake Disaster

Many years ago my just married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.

She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."

[HisDaughter]

How Can Any Student Pass?

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days. Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays - 52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays - 50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep - 130 days GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing - (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing) means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social being) - means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days - per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays) - 40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!!!!!!!!!! Days left = 0

How can any student pass?

That's about the way of it.  But you forgot to add in all those half days for parent-teacher conferences and teacher training.  Now you're about 15 days in whole.  Might as well just throw in the towel on education and become a politician! (Not sure when I'll get over my ranting today) 

[Soldier4Christ]

Might as well just throw in the towel

That's why the democrats are so good at doing that.

(Not sure when I'll get over my ranting today) 

As long as it makes you feel better.