Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

It is so rare to be offered a meal on airlines these days that I was surprised to hear the flight attendant ask the man sitting in front of me, "Would you like dinner?"

"What are my choices?" he responded.

"Yes or no," she said.

[HisDaughter]

On my way to deliver a computer to a customer, I saw a handwritten sign at the entrance of an alley. It read: "Blocked! Do not pass! Difficult to turn back." I continued anyway, only to discover that the alley was indeed blocked by a fallen tree. As predicted, it took a while to turn the truck around. When I finally got back to the entrance, I noticed a second sign. It read: "Told you so!"

[HisDaughter]

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, "Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?"

"I do," I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, "Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?"

She shrugged. "I don't think my python really cares."

[HisDaughter]

A young man took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less difficult, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. “Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I’ve got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I’m going to explode.”

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

“What’s wrong, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

[Shammu]

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

“What’s wrong, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

[Shammu]

The Golden Phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in New Holland, Pennsylvania. Upon entering a church in this farm belt area of Pennsylvania, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "I have been in churches all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Pennsylvania now. This is God's country. It's a local call."

[Shammu]

[nChrist]

Harmonica Gift

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

[nChrist]

Christmas Signs:

- From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

- Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

- From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

- In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

- A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

- In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

[islandboy]

It was already late fall & the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota, asked their new chief if the coming winter
was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked to the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of
the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes, the man at the National Weather Service again replied. 'it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
"Absolutely, the man replied. It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?", the chief asked.
The weather man replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official !

[Soldier4Christ]

[HisDaughter]

[Soldier4Christ]

Yep, more advice from the government gone wrong.   

[HisDaughter]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.   

[HisDaughter]

Drunken Reindeer Frightens School Pupils
Pupils at a school in Sweden are being terrorised by a drunken Reindeer. Police say the animal has probably been eating fermented apples in a garden, reports Sky News.

Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, said, 'That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy Reindeer'. Reindeer can weigh as much as 1,100 lb and personnel at the school described the erratic male as 'completely mad'. The receptionist at the school, near Molndal, in the south of the country, told the Gothenburg Post, 'The children are really scared'. Police have contacted hunters and said that if the animal does not sober up and calm down, it could be shot.

Drunken Reindeer Frightens School Pupils
Pupils at a school in Sweden are being terrorised by a drunken Reindeer. Police say the animal has probably been eating fermented apples in a garden, reports Sky News.

Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, said, 'That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy Reindeer'. Reindeer can weigh as much as 1,100 lb and personnel at the school described the erratic male as 'completely mad'. The receptionist at the school, near Molndal, in the south of the country, told the Gothenburg Post, 'The children are really scared'. Police have contacted hunters and said that if the animal does not sober up and calm down, it could be shot.