Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Thank you. After I posted the joke I had second thoughts about that word. I approve whole-heartedly.

   You are most welcome. The word isn't all that bad, especially in this context. It's on a word list that the forum automatically changes into numbers. It's probably on the word list because of how it could be used in name-calling, so this joke was really pretty mild, and there wasn't any intent to call any names. So, it's just one of those funny things in our attempts to keep the forum clean for children and families to enjoy.

Love In Christ,
Tom

KEEP LOOKING UP!!

[Shammu]

How to Install a Southern Home Security System!!

1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4) Leave a note on your door that reads.....

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

[Shammu]

How to Call the Police when you're old and don't move fast anymore.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed  when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and  phoned the police again  "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people  stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now  because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.  One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
 
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

This is a true story....... Don't mess with older folks................

[David_james]

those two are great, especially the first. 

[nChrist]

those two are great, especially the first. 

       ROFL!

I second that note. Thanks for the laugh that I really needed.

[Def]

How to Install a Southern Home Security System!!

1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4) Leave a note on your door that reads.....

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

I dint not have to go to a second-hand store for the boots!!!!(14)then..
 and now  a chihuahua does a good job..believe me..I have on the door the Lord is my Shephard"holdind a sheep" no one want to come around ..now that's safe   ..Right
i enjoyed the joke..Ha!!ha.

[Hary]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN
HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[nChrist]

       ROFL!

Thanks Hary, I needed that laugh. It's nice to see you back on the forum. Welcome Back.

[Def]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN
HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

no wonder Our Lord Jesus want us to be like little children.. soooo cool (';') Love in Jesus Def

[nChrist]

Not So Bright - True? - I don't know.

Those who are from the 'shallow end of the gene pool'......
____________________________

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6,9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
____________________________

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those 'dividers' they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said, "OK," and I paid her for my things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.
_____________________________

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy"
_____________________________

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy." she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.  It's a long walk."
_____________________________

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper, what do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
_____________________________

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
_____________________________

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
_____________________________

POLICE IN RADNOR, PA., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
_____________________________

A mother calls 911 very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, since the kid was eating ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and things should be fine.

The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer."

..... Dispatcher:  "Rush him in to emergency!"

[ollie]

What's the difference between God and doctors?



God doesn't think he's a doctor.



(drum roll, cymbal crash...)

Spiritual and physical.

ollie

[HisDaughter]

[HisDaughter]

"I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."

 "God bless the America we are trying to create."

[HisDaughter]

Voted "Most Likely to Rule the World"

(or not)

[HisDaughter]

Okay....So I was bored.