Laughter - Good Medicine

[airIam2worship]

 Gravity always gets me down

They told me I was gullible and I believed them

It's bad luck to be superstitious

According to my best recollection, I don't remember

Honk if you like peace and quiet

The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened

 Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

A day without sunshine is like, night

Ask me about my vow of silence

[airIam2worship]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out


Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut"


Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery

[airIam2worship]

Police One-liners

      "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
     
      "Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
     
      "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
     
      "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
     
      "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
     
      "Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
     
      "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
     
      "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
     
      "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
     
      "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
     
      "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
     
      "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

[airIam2worship]

1. The future of "I give" is "I take."


2. The parts of speech are lungs and air.


3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.


4. A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.


5. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.


6. (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.


7. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it
through an aviator.


8. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

[Soldier4Christ]

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes

And they have some pretty big stingers. 

[airIam2worship]

Bring riches with you
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

[airIam2worship]

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,  they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship  that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.  St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[airIam2worship]

Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The  person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the  bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."  The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and  skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[airIam2worship]

College Grad's Starting Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you  thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[airIam2worship]

Slow Down

 One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

[airIam2worship]

Jail Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"  The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:  "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."  A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with  shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."  The prisoner wrote another letter back:  "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[airIam2worship]

Rabbit Resurrection

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned  around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[airIam2worship]

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

[airIam2worship]

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

[airIam2worship]

Stock up and save. Limit: one.


For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.


UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!