something is wrong with me

[login_beta23]

It happened a long long time ago, when I keep on having failing grades though I was the "smartest lazy kid" in the school. Well, people say that I'm smart (I mean really bright) but I'm just too lazy to study. I admit that I'm lazy to study and still I was reffered as the walking encyclopedia at our batch.

Now, I finally decided to use my brain and be on the honor roll of the class. But suddenly, I'm "losing it". I can't keep up with the others (I'm in 15th out of 18th in the top) even if I know that i'm good at learning. I am very active at recitations and stuff but I can't just seem to keep up!

And another problem.

Because I had failing grades, the church made me "rest" from my ministry until I can keep up my studies. Yeah it was ok for me and I know its for my own good. Who am I to rebel against the church anyway? So I just did as they said.
Last week I got tired of joining the crowd in the church (I'm afraid of the crowd) so something stimulated my desire to minister again. I ask my cell leader if I can resume my ministry he said no. Not yet. OK. its ok. I'll wait a few more weeks. Its fine with me and who am I to ask and argue?

Then I asked him for the 4th time last week (It's been almost a month since I last asked him) still he said no. Then it came to my mind: "What's wrong with me? I've keep up my grades and I'm almost on the top." "He always says he'll see but he never asked me how's my studies". (I thought those in my head)

Now, this time, I never knew it was coming. I never thought that I had anger inside my heart. Anger to my leader just because he wouldn't let me minister even if I had kept up in school. I don't know what stirred it up. I just thought that suspending me was ok with me but I was wrong. It was never ok.  I just don't know it. I can't help myself but agonize all night. I don't know how I am going to frogive him. I know he has authority and who am I to argue?

 

[Soldier4Christ]

Everybody has issues that they need to work on. We all need to become closer to God. All these problems that you mention are ones that can keep you from a good ministry. Pride, anger, personal wisdom instead of spiritual God given wisdom all are stumbling blocks in a Christians path.

Become closer to God, turn all these problems over to Him and things will come together as God wants them to.

[Brother Jerry]

Amen

What PR said.

login let me be perfectly frank here.  In your post there was one thing that stood out to me like a huge glowing neon sign.  There was lots and lots of 'I'. 
And I am not just talking about the use of I, me, my, etc.  But the tone of you picking up your ministry again, completely focused on your desire to get back into that ministry and not what was God's desire for you. 

Honestly I can only recommend some prayer and what PR said, turn over the problems to Him and let Him lead your life and you will be rewarded.  It could very well be that God does not want you back in that ministry and that He has plans for you in a different ministry.  Be open to what God has in store for you

[airIam2worship]

Hello Login, you have gotten some very good advice from PR and Brother Jerry, for what it's worth please let me add my 2 cents.
First of all please keep in mind that I am not trying to sound cruel or uncareing on the contrary.
Login, God has a divine purpose and a plan for each of us, however it is all in His timing not ours. Patience is something that you may benefit by practicing in this situation. Remember Galatians 5.

Ga 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Ga 5:23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

longsuffering is patience.

God can and will only use us when we are ready to obey His commands and sometimes though it  may seem that we are ready in our eyes it may not be the case in His eyes. We have to wholeheartedly trust God that He will not forsake us. Sometimes it takes a while for us to be prepared we have to learn to surrender to God's will and His timing and understand that when the time is right He will give us the desires of our hearts.

So please use this time to spend in prayer and focus on God's leading. I hope this helped.