Could you pray for me?

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Broken,

I'm thinking out loud. Do you really want to stop doing some of the things you know are wrong,  or is the love of or enjoyment of those things standing in the way of becoming a child of God? It would be just words if you haven't firmly decided to change the course of your life. Are you neck deep in a mud puddle asking for clean clothes? I didn't mean this in a smart way, rather to illustrate the possible problem. I really don't know. Is it possible that you should get out of the mud puddle, ask for clean clothes, and decide to stay out of the mud? Jesus will even give you a helping hand to get out of the mud. Could something like this be part of the problem?

[Broken]

Oklahoma Howdy to Broken,

I'm thinking out loud. Do you really want to stop doing some of the things you know are wrong,  or is the love of or enjoyment of those things standing in the way of becoming a child of God? It would be just words if you haven't firmly decided to change the course of your life. Are you neck deep in a mud puddle asking for clean clothes? I didn't mean this in a smart way, rather to illustrate the possible problem.

I understand what you're saying, blackeyedpeas.
Trouble is, if I look at my life, I can't really see anything I'm doing wrong. I mean, I'm celibate, so no sin there, I don't take drugs (non-prescription ones, I mean), I don't steal, I haven't murdered anyone, I don't lust after people, I don't get angry with people anymore, I can't say I hate anyone. I don't see any big sin-areas in my life which I need to repent from. All I really do at the moment is read, go on the internet, and see my friends.

I know the self-injury might be a problem, but I'm receiving treatment for that. So I don't really see what the "block" might be.

Any ideas?  

Emma

[Terri]

Emma,


Your rationlizing (might be spelled wrong, sorry) your life. Drinking is also a drug, and is concidered a sin. Self abuse is a sin. Not loving yourself is a sin. Not loving God sin. You need to start being honest with your self before any changes are going to happen in your life.

I am begining to think you like things exactly the way they are, because that is how you get attention. That is your payoff , ATTENTION.  That is why you don't want to change. Your not sure how you would be notice or get the attention you have been getting. Sorry to be so blunt with you but I think that's the only way your going to get it. Is complete honesty.

Really would like to see you change your life and come to truely know Christ, but that is up to you to do. He's there waiting for you.
                             God Bless you
                                  Terri

[Broken]

Your rationlizing (might be spelled wrong, sorry) your life. Drinking is also a drug, and is concidered a sin. Self abuse is a sin. Not loving yourself is a sin. Not loving God sin. You need to start being honest with your self before any changes are going to happen in your life.

There's nothing wrong with drinking in moderation. Jesus did it, after all.
Self-abuse? I take it you're referring to the self-injury there? As I said, I'm in treatment for that at the moment, with a view to ending it sometime soon, hopefully.
Its kind of hard to love someone you're not sure exists.

I am begining to think you like things exactly the way they are, because that is how you get attention. That is your payoff , ATTENTION.  That is why you don't want to change. Your not sure how you would be notice or get the attention you have been getting. Sorry to be so blunt with you but I think that's the only way your going to get it. Is complete honesty.

Attention? Thats not actually something I crave. And I'm not malingering. If all I wanted was attention, why would I accept treatment and take the drugs I've been given?
I get noticed often enough for me, regardless of being ill at the time.

[Symphony]

"Trust in the LOrd  with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight thy paths..."

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Broken,

Just some ideas:

Get rid of the negative things in your life and don't dwell on dark things. As an example, take the web page about self injury down and delete the files. There is nothing positive about that at all.

If you are reading negative and dark material, stop and get rid of it. You don't need anything negative or dark to dwell on. As an example, change your signature line on Christians Unite to something positive and uplifting that you can look at every time one of your messages comes up. Replace it with something positive like a favorite Bible verse. The same would be true of music you listen to, books you read, and other material that would either be negative or positive. Read the Bible instead and look for other positive and uplifting materials and music to spend your time with.

This is a bad comparison in many ways, but I want to make it anyway. A person could be compared to a computer - garbage in - garbage out. The things that we do, read, or listen to tends to program us. Maybe you could chage things to good things in - good things out. Think about this and try to understand how much garbage you are allowing in to effect you and your outlook on life. Could this be the problem? Is there room for Jesus?

[Terri]

Hi Emma,

You want both lives, and you can't have both. You either chose God and live a Christian life and obey God. Which means repent from your sin. Become born again and leave the old way of life for the new. A Christ like life. Your life at the moment is not Christ like.

I agree with BEP, you really need to get ride of your website. There is no positive in it what so ever. I know at times you feel down and dark, and depressed. Those feelings are from God he is trying to draw you near to him. But you continue to rebell him.  When you dicide to give in and give your life to God you will see some allsome things happen in your life!!!!!

I pray God shows you the way. God Bless you Emma.
                                        Terri

[Symphony]

I'm praying for your, Broken...

[Broken]

Hey blackeyedpeas,

Get rid of the negative things in your life and don't dwell on dark things. As an example, take the web page about self injury down and delete the files. There is nothing positive about that at all.

I don't really see whats wrong with my website. I mean, I know I discuss self-injury in there, but thats to publicise a much-misunderstood problem, and mine is not a site which glorifies si.
Aside from that....the poems I have on there don't, I think, increase negativity, as I tend to read them whether or not I'm feeling down at the time. They're my favourite poems, and not all of them are darker in tone. Same goes for the short stories. My own poems naturally reflect whats going on in my life and there are Christian ones in there, though not many. The only thing in my death section is something about the death of Christ and its meaning.
So I don't see that there is anything particularly wrong in it.

If you are reading negative and dark material, stop and get rid of it. You don't need anything negative or dark to dwell on.

I'm not, really. I generally read lighter stuff at the moment. I understand your point with this one which is why I cut darker material, and books about depression or si from my reading list (my psychiatrist told me to do so).

As an example, change your signature line on Christians Unite to something positive and uplifting that you can look at every time one of your messages comes up. Replace it with something positive like a favorite Bible verse.

I can do that, yes I only have it there to inform others about me rather than for me to read.

Terri,

You want both lives, and you can't have both. You either chose God and live a Christian life and obey God. Which means repent from your sin. Become born again and leave the old way of life for the new. A Christ like life. Your life at the moment is not Christ like.

I really don't see what is sinful in my life. I could if I was taking drugs or something, but I'm not. I don't see how an acknowledgement of my own mood is sinful.

-Emma

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Broken,

I like your new signature line: it is positive and uplifting. I pray that you can take this first step much further and apply it to your entire life. Look at, read, and listen to positive, uplifting material. The more you are determined to concentrate on positive things, the more positive you will become. I'm talking about everything. If anything is dark or depressing, turn it off and switch channels (i.e. music, books, television, news, everything). "POSITIVE IN - POSITIVE OUT" is the thought I'm trying to express. Make up your mind that you don't have the time, energy, or desire for NEGATIVE of any kind. I think if you will at least try this you will start feeling more positive.

In Christ.

[Broken]

I like your new signature line: it is positive and uplifting.

It was one of my gran's favourite prayers, they found the card with it on in her handbag after she died, and gave it to me

I pray that you can take this first step much further and apply it to your entire life. Look at, read, and listen to positive, uplifting material. The more you are determined to concentrate on positive things, the more positive you will become.

Yeah, I have been trying that. I've mostly been reading those "women's books", which are all about people's love lives, generally, fairly safe reading The only really "dark" thing I read now is another forum I'm on, which is a support group, because I go there to receive and to give help, and my diayr. But the diary is darker because it reflects what I'm feeling, its a way of getting the feelings and thoughts out, if you know what I mean.

I'm very up and down at the moment. The drugs I'm on not only seem to be not working on the depression, but they're having a very strange reaction - they're mood stabilisers, supposed to stop the low points and the slightly manic phases as well. But unfortunately they seem to be actually triggering them! I had a very strange afternoon the other day, definitely a bit manic that time - it was just a good thing I was by myself, I think! And I'm in the midst of the downswing now.
I have to wait another week before I can see the psychiatrist again, and ask to be put on something else. But he's obsessed with these particular drugs, so I've got to stay on them regardless, just start taking yet another set of pills as well

I think if you will at least try this you will start feeling more positive.

I am trying, but Rome wasn't built in a day, I suppose.

-Emma

[Whitehorse]

Hi, Broken. I just saw this thread. About faith, you mentioned it comes and goes. The thing to remember is that it happens to everyone. I've had this happen too, and what I've discovered is that it will always come back. Always. When it falters for a time, I find it's usually because we tend to look at our circumstances more than our savior and that's when the devil whispers doubts into our ears. Remeber who is trying to discourage you, and what that devil's goals are, and you'll have extra power to fight doubt. Here's what I do when my faith starts sagging: I meditate on Who God is. Since He says He'll forgive our sins, He will. He says that no one who comes to Him will be cast out. THis is your work: just take Him at His word, even when the depression hits, and it will leave you. That's the God, Emma, in Whom you've placed your trust. Wait for Him always. He'll always keep you.

As far as the depression goes, I went through it, too. But here's where the trick is: Depression has a wicked genius to paralyze coping mechanisms. Those mechanisms everyone else takes for granted, depression steals from you. But the problem is, we tend to treat ourselves the way others have, or the way we think others or God sees us. So we end up perpetuating our own punishment. That's where the self-abuse comes in; you have to remember you are an image bearer of God!!! Your body, Emma, is God's temple. You have to remember that, meditate on what that means and learn to treat yourself in accordance with the high status as God's temple. If you can't do it for yourself, do it because God requires it of you.

It's very possible that there is demonic influence. No matter how much you like the sound of goth, or the image, or the feelings that you can relate to about it, there are things about the spirit world we don't understand and you're opening a portal by engaging in it. Plan ahead what you'll do when the temptation comes to mutilate yourself or listen to goth or dress goth:
1. Tell the devil to get lost. You're dead to sin and alive to Christ. You are covered in Jesus's blood, and so you refuse to cover yourself in your own, because you would be professing a blood sacrifice other than that of Christ. That's what you're doing, you know. You may not even realize it, but you're obeying someone and it isn't God. Get rid of the goth no matter how much you may feel like you relate to it. I repeat: get rid of it.
2. Remember that self-mutilation is a result of the devil's trickery. Find the deceit that is making you willing. There's a good book called War On The Saints by Jessie Penn-Lewis, published Whitaker House. If you can't get a copy, let me know. It will soothe you and help you fight.
3. Get into public where you can't hurt yourself.
4. Remember that how things *feel* and how they *are* are two very different things. Just because things feel helpless, or you feel abandoned by God, does not make this the case. The devil would love for you to believe it, though. You have to tell him no. It could be that God wants you to discover this right now.
5. Remeber that you are understood, and others are praying for you, including me. This will empower you. Just redeem the prayers before the Lord as if they were checks for which you knew you would receive what was requested. God will honor your faith.
6. Get talking. You have to talk to others, they must be Christians, and they must be people you trust. If they don't understand, you have to at least be able to trust that they won't make your wound worse. They will help you find the deceit the devil wants to feed you. Are your parents Christians, by the way?
7. Know that even when God allows you to walk through doubt, He's there with you in the doubt and there's a very good reason He's letting you walk it. If you can get a hold of a copy, get John Bunyan's account with his own spiritual battles with faith and spiritual warfare. It's in his collective works by Banner of Truth. The piece is called "Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners." It's his account of his own coming to Christ, but the info will be helpful and soothing to you. If you can't afford it, ask your church library to order it or if there is a CHristian college nearby, ask them if they carry Bunyan's works.
8. Make a list of Bible verses that directly confront self mutilation or any discouraging thought. Pay attention to what you are thinking, and when the wrong thought comes, recite the correct verse and put your trust in it.
9. You can and will beat your depression.
10. Keep a journal of the spiritual end of it. When God gives you comfort, make absolutely certain you receive it and use it. Look for proactive ways of using it. Don't refuse God's comfort out of discouragement because He hates that. He really does.
11. When you wonder if God has abandoned you, remember that He has sustained you all this time and He will be faithful to do it every single time. You're alive because He wants you to be. He put faith in you to get you throught this. He will other circumstances in your path, right when you need it. And when you've finished this bitter path, He will send others for you to help. And you will be using this to heal others and show them that even Christians can go through these things.

Blessings to you.

[Symphony]

Is there an echo in here??

[Whitehorse]

opps! Sorry, Symphony. Thanks for the tip.  

[Broken]

Hey Whitehorse, didn't see your post before, sorry!

About faith, you mentioned it comes and goes. The thing to remember is that it happens to everyone. I've had this happen too, and what I've discovered is that it will always come back. Always.

It tends to go away for very long periods of time though, leaving me with more times when I've been doubting than when I've been faithful. I've had four periods of faith in my entire life, lasting about a year max each. Now, I'm 22, so that means the vast majority of my life, I've had no faith. You can see why that would concern me, can't you?

It's very possible that there is demonic influence. No matter how much you like the sound of goth, or the image, or the feelings that you can relate to about it, there are things about the spirit world we don't understand and you're opening a portal by engaging in it. Plan ahead what you'll do when the temptation comes to mutilate yourself or listen to goth or dress goth

I wouldn't actually define myself as a goth particularly. I like the old gothic literature, yes, and there is one gothic band I listen to, but aside from that, nothing really. I don't dress goth either.
But even if I was, I don't see how invisible demons could possibly be wandering around goths. I mean, I don't see how what you listen to or read could attract demons - even if I believed in demons, which I don't.
The SI....well as I mentioned, I am trying to stop that, but I find that if I stress about it, it only gets worse and makes me feel worse by setting up a guilt cycle. So I've taken the advice of my psychiatrist on that one and decided not to worry about it overmuch but just assume that once the depression lifts, the need to will go away. It has already decreased a fair bit - mostly because I have stopped stressing about it.

You are covered in Jesus's blood, and so you refuse to cover yourself in your own, because you would be professing a blood sacrifice other than that of Christ. That's what you're doing, you know. You may not even realize it, but you're obeying someone and it isn't God.

The motives for SI are a lot more complex than expiation for sin, Whitehorse. It does include a bit of that, but also ideas of punishment and simple hatred play a part. I do not do it to imitate Christ - though I do know people who do, mainly those who grew up in Catholicism or in certain areas of the world. I don't consider self-injury to have a spiritual dimension - it is a physical act, with physical consequences, and so Christ doesn't come into the picture, nor is it an attempt to do the same as Christ because of that. Perhaps I'm obeying someone - but that someone is me, no one else.

There's a good book called War On The Saints by Jessie Penn-Lewis, published Whitaker House. If you can't get a copy, let me know. It will soothe you and help you fight.

I'll have a look for it, if Amazon don't sell it, maybe the Christian shops here will.

3. Get into public where you can't hurt yourself.

Thats an idea I have tried - but to be honest its more dangerous to me to be outside in a street full of drunks and drug addicts at night than it is to be in my flat by myself. I don't feel safe outside at night, and I'm unwilling to put myself in danger.

6. Get talking. You have to talk to others, they must be Christians, and they must be people you trust. If they don't understand, you have to at least be able to trust that they won't make your wound worse. They will help you find the deceit the devil wants to feed you. Are your parents Christians, by the way?

I do have Christian friends - most of my friends are Christians (with one exception, but she turned away from the church after a bad experience with a cult group). My parents probably are not - they go to church sometimes, but only for the music and only to midnight mass anyway. They don't actually own a bible aside from the ones I've left with them. My family has problems with religion so we don't talk about it though.

It's in his collective works by Banner of Truth. The piece is called "Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners." It's his account of his own coming to Christ, but the info will be helpful and soothing to you. If you can't afford it, ask your church library to order it or if there is a CHristian college nearby, ask them if they carry Bunyan's works.

One of our local shops sells a lot of things pblished by Banner of Truth, so they probably have it, I'll look next time I go in.
I don't actually go to church - I didn't know churches had libraries, actually! There is a theological library up the road though.
 

8. Make a list of Bible verses that directly confront self mutilation or any discouraging thought. Pay attention to what you are thinking, and when the wrong thought comes, recite the correct verse and put your trust in it.

There aren't really any. There are some verses which talk about people cutting themselves, but it always speaks of them cutting themselves for the dead, not for any other reason, so I couldn't find any particularly relevant ones. The nearest one is Mark 5, but as I do not have demons nor live as a wild person...its sort of hard to make it relate.

10. Keep a journal of the spiritual end of it.

I have one actually, as an adjunct to my normal diary - here

11. When you wonder if God has abandoned you, remember that He has sustained you all this time and He will be faithful to do it every single time. You're alive because He wants you to be.

I find it quite hard to believe that, you see. It doesn't feel as though God has sustained me, but that I've just had to struggle through until the drugs I've been given work, with the help of various doctors.

Thanks for replying

Emma