Hey Whitehorse, didn't see your post before, sorry!
About faith, you mentioned it comes and goes. The thing to remember is that it happens to everyone. I've had this happen too, and what I've discovered is that it will always come back. Always.
It tends to go away for very long periods of time though, leaving me with more times when I've been doubting than when I've been faithful. I've had four periods of faith in my entire life, lasting about a year max each. Now, I'm 22, so that means the vast majority of my life, I've had no faith. You can see why that would concern me, can't you?
It's very possible that there is demonic influence. No matter how much you like the sound of goth, or the image, or the feelings that you can relate to about it, there are things about the spirit world we don't understand and you're opening a portal by engaging in it. Plan ahead what you'll do when the temptation comes to mutilate yourself or listen to goth or dress goth
I wouldn't actually define myself as a goth particularly. I like the old gothic literature, yes, and there is one gothic band I listen to, but aside from that, nothing really. I don't dress goth either.
But even if I was, I don't see how invisible demons could possibly be wandering around goths. I mean, I don't see how what you listen to or read could attract demons - even if I believed in demons, which I don't.
The SI....well as I mentioned, I am trying to stop that, but I find that if I stress about it, it only gets worse and makes me feel worse by setting up a guilt cycle. So I've taken the advice of my psychiatrist on that one and decided not to worry about it overmuch but just assume that once the depression lifts, the need to will go away. It has already decreased a fair bit - mostly because I have stopped stressing about it.
You are covered in Jesus's blood, and so you refuse to cover yourself in your own, because you would be professing a blood sacrifice other than that of Christ. That's what you're doing, you know. You may not even realize it, but you're obeying someone and it isn't God.
The motives for SI are a lot more complex than expiation for sin, Whitehorse. It does include a bit of that, but also ideas of punishment and simple hatred play a part. I do not do it to imitate Christ - though I do know people who do, mainly those who grew up in Catholicism or in certain areas of the world. I don't consider self-injury to have a spiritual dimension - it is a physical act, with physical consequences, and so Christ doesn't come into the picture, nor is it an attempt to do the same as Christ because of that. Perhaps I'm obeying someone - but that someone is me, no one else.
There's a good book called War On The Saints by Jessie Penn-Lewis, published Whitaker House. If you can't get a copy, let me know. It will soothe you and help you fight.
I'll have a look for it, if Amazon don't sell it, maybe the Christian shops here will.
3. Get into public where you can't hurt yourself.
Thats an idea I have tried - but to be honest its more dangerous to me to be outside in a street full of drunks and drug addicts at night than it is to be in my flat by myself. I don't feel safe outside at night, and I'm unwilling to put myself in danger.
6. Get talking. You have to talk to others, they must be Christians, and they must be people you trust. If they don't understand, you have to at least be able to trust that they won't make your wound worse. They will help you find the deceit the devil wants to feed you. Are your parents Christians, by the way?
I do have Christian friends - most of my friends are Christians (with one exception, but she turned away from the church after a bad experience with a cult group). My parents probably are not - they go to church sometimes, but only for the music and only to midnight mass anyway. They don't actually own a bible aside from the ones I've left with them. My family has problems with religion so we don't talk about it though.
It's in his collective works by Banner of Truth. The piece is called "Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners." It's his account of his own coming to Christ, but the info will be helpful and soothing to you. If you can't afford it, ask your church library to order it or if there is a CHristian college nearby, ask them if they carry Bunyan's works.
One of our local shops sells a lot of things pblished by Banner of Truth, so they probably have it, I'll look next time I go in.
I don't actually go to church - I didn't know churches had libraries, actually! There is a theological library up the road though.
8. Make a list of Bible verses that directly confront self mutilation or any discouraging thought. Pay attention to what you are thinking, and when the wrong thought comes, recite the correct verse and put your trust in it.
There aren't really any. There are some verses which talk about people cutting themselves, but it always speaks of them cutting themselves for the dead, not for any other reason, so I couldn't find any particularly relevant ones. The nearest one is Mark 5, but as I do not have demons nor live as a wild person...its sort of hard to make it relate.
10. Keep a journal of the spiritual end of it.
I have one actually, as an adjunct to my normal diary -
here11. When you wonder if God has abandoned you, remember that He has sustained you all this time and He will be faithful to do it every single time. You're alive because He wants you to be.
I find it quite hard to believe that, you see. It doesn't feel as though God has sustained me, but that I've just had to struggle through until the drugs I've been given work, with the help of various doctors.
Thanks for replying
Emma
