DISCUSSION FORUMS
MAIN MENU
Home
Help
Advanced Search
Recent Posts
Site Statistics
Who's Online
Forum Rules
Bible Resources
• Bible Study Aids
• Bible Devotionals
• Audio Sermons
Community
• ChristiansUnite Blogs
• Christian Forums
• Facebook Apps
Web Search
• Christian Family Sites
• Top Christian Sites
• Christian RSS Feeds
Family Life
• Christian Finance
• ChristiansUnite KIDS
Shop
• Christian Magazines
• Christian Book Store
Read
• Christian News
• Christian Columns
• Christian Song Lyrics
• Christian Mailing Lists
Connect
• Christian Singles
• Christian Classifieds
Graphics
• Free Christian Clipart
• Christian Wallpaper
Fun Stuff
• Clean Christian Jokes
• Bible Trivia Quiz
• Online Video Games
• Bible Crosswords
Webmasters
• Christian Guestbooks
• Banner Exchange
• Dynamic Content

Subscribe to our Free Newsletter.
Enter your email address:

ChristiansUnite
Forums
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
December 12, 2017, 01:10:24 AM

Login with username, password and session length
Search:     Advanced search
Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
277964 Posts in 26514 Topics by 3790 Members
Latest Member: Goodwin
* Home Help Search Login Register
+  ChristiansUnite Forums
|-+  Entertainment
| |-+  Animals and Pets (Moderator: admin)
| | |-+  Excerpts: 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'
« previous next »
Pages: [1] 2 Go Down Print
Author Topic: Excerpts: 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'  (Read 4547 times)
Soldier4Christ
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 58590


One Nation Under God


View Profile
« on: May 02, 2006, 04:09:16 PM »

 Excerpts: 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'


   1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
      So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

   2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention.
      Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

   3. Punishing Your Human Being.
      Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:  * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.  * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.  * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.  * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.  * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

   4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
      The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

   5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
      You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
Logged

Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
Yoyostick
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 419

L.E.A.H. and the Trashmobile


View Profile WWW
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2006, 05:28:08 PM »

And people wonder why I like dogs . . . Roll Eyes Roll Eyes
Logged

Jesus is Life!
"For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting LIFE." -John 3:16
Yoyostick
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 419

L.E.A.H. and the Trashmobile


View Profile WWW
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2006, 05:29:24 PM »

I think that guide might also include a warning about participating in the human's vices . . .

Logged

Jesus is Life!
"For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting LIFE." -John 3:16
Soldier4Christ
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 58590


One Nation Under God


View Profile
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2006, 05:36:36 PM »

I think that guide might also include a warning about participating in the human's vices . . .


Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked
Logged

Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
TalkerCat
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 510


ON FIRE FOR THE LORD!


View Profile WWW
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2006, 01:12:57 PM »

TalkerCat here!  My "spirit" comes from THE LORD!  Cheesy  Ain't no HIGH like the HIGH of  SALVATION!   ~ meow~

=^..^=
Logged

Amorus
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 319


The Lord's Apprentice


View Profile WWW
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2006, 02:49:09 PM »

I believe that my two cats have acquired this hand book.  Now if I could only locate and destroy it.  I see under section three they have forgotten to add "play with the spring loaded door stopper for the entire night."  They seem so fascinated with the nose it makes.  Undecided
Logged

"The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."  John 1:5
Soldier4Christ
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 58590


One Nation Under God


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2006, 02:51:19 PM »

lol  they seem to know to pick the most annoying things for toys.

Logged

Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
Amorus
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 319


The Lord's Apprentice


View Profile WWW
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2006, 03:04:55 PM »

Yes, I think they sit at home all day and plan on how to annoy me.  I'm sure it is what they are doing this very second, no wait....they are probably sleeping, tough life you know. Cheesy
Logged

"The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."  John 1:5
Soldier4Christ
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 58590


One Nation Under God


View Profile
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2006, 03:07:42 PM »

If they sleep now they can stay awake to annoy you when you are trying to sleep.

Logged

Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
airIam2worship
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8947


Early In The Morning I Will Praise The Lord


View Profile
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2006, 03:16:40 PM »

I prefer fish, you feed them once a day, you don't have to walk them 3 times a day, you only have to change the water once a month if that as long as you have a filter and aeration for the tank, they don't make any noise, and when they die you flush them down the toilet.  Grin Grin

And they are fun to watch when they chase each other and dance around.  Cheesy
Logged

PS 91:2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust
Soldier4Christ
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 58590


One Nation Under God


View Profile
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2006, 03:21:21 PM »

I prefer fish, you feed them once a day, you don't have to walk them 3 times a day, you only have to change the water once a month if that as long as you have a filter and aeration for the tank, they don't make any noise, and when they die you flush them down the toilet.  Grin Grin

And they are fun to watch when they chase each other and dance around.  Cheesy

The last time I had a fish tank it was a 100 gal tank. It was so well balanced that I didn't change the water out for two whole years. Besides feeding them all I had to do was change the filter out once every three months. It was an exterior filter so even that was easy. Well I did have to add water once in a while due to evaporation.



Logged

Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
Amorus
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 319


The Lord's Apprentice


View Profile WWW
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2006, 03:23:39 PM »

No fish for me, I would much rather be tormented by my cats Embarrassed
Logged

"The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."  John 1:5
airIam2worship
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8947


Early In The Morning I Will Praise The Lord


View Profile
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2006, 03:31:41 PM »

The last time I had a fish tank it was a 100 gal tank. It was so well balanced that I didn't change the water out for two whole years. Besides feeding them all I had to do was change the filter out once every three months. It was an exterior filter so even that was easy. Well I did have to add water once in a while due to evaporation.





No fish for me, I would much rather be tormented by my cats Embarrassed


So much easier to take care of, no shedding, no vet bills, no smells, no liter boxes. And best of all no asthma or allergies.  Wink Wink Wink

I guess you might have already figuered out I don't really like cats, at least not in my house. They can be at everybody else's house as long as it's not at mine. I don't hate them, I just prefer not to have them.

Logged

PS 91:2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust
Soldier4Christ
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 58590


One Nation Under God


View Profile
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2006, 03:37:46 PM »


So much easier to take care of, no shedding, no vet bills, no smells, no liter boxes. And best of all no asthma or allergies.  Wink Wink Wink

I guess you might have already figuered out I don't really like cats, at least not in my house. They can be at everybody else's house as long as it's not at mine. I don't hate them, I just prefer not to have them.



I had over 30 cats at one time. Yes I said THIRTY! That was when my wife and I were young enough to keep up after them. We also had 20 dogs at the same time. The dogs were a whole lot less work. I am glad now that we are down to just one very tiny dog. He is our aid. He gets things for us when we can't. My wife has "dropsy" so he picks things up that she drops and gives them back to her. He also lets us know when someone is at the door (sometimes I wish he wouldn't do that though).   Grin Grin
Logged

Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
airIam2worship
Global Moderator
Gold Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8947


Early In The Morning I Will Praise The Lord


View Profile
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2006, 03:53:58 PM »

(sometimes I wish he wouldn't do that though).   Grin Grin

 Grin  Grin  Grin  Grin
Logged

PS 91:2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust
Pages: [1] 2 Go Up Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  



More From ChristiansUnite...    About Us | Privacy Policy | | ChristiansUnite.com Site Map | Statement of Beliefs



Copyright © 1999-2016 ChristiansUnite.com. All rights reserved.
Please send your questions, comments, or bug reports to the

Powered by SMF 1.1 RC2 | SMF © 2001-2005, Lewis Media