Favorite Jokes :)

[nChrist]

   

I recently found out that 50% of all fatal accidents happens within 20 miles of home, so

I MOVED!

[The Crusader]

 

I recently found out that 50% of all fatal accidents happens within 20 miles of home, so

I MOVED!

Good idea LOL

[The Crusader]

FARTING PROBLEMS
 
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't
bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office.  You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says, "I see.  Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor." she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said.  "Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, lets work on your hearing."

 

[The Crusader]

Blow It Up!




Three paratroopers are to throw a hand grenade from the plane, then jump. The first one goes and says, "This is for my country" and he throws the grenade out and jumps.
He lands and sees a little boy crying then asks, "What's the matter?"

The boy says, "My bike just blew up!"

The second paratrooper tosses his grenade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying.

She tells him, "My playhouse just blew up!"

The third paratrooper tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off.

"What so funny?" asks the paratrooper.

The Redneck replies, "I just farted and my house blew up

 

[Shylynne]

ewwwwwww  

such a MANLY thread  

[sincereheart]

Funeral Services are pending

The best part of the male vs. female jokes.....

[The Crusader]

ewwwwwww  

such a MANLY thread  

LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

Tip of the Day


" A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after > you've been fingerprinted. "
 
 -Martha Stewart
 

[michael_legna]

 

I recently found out that 50% of all fatal accidents happens within 20 miles of home, so

I MOVED!

I was rather nervous about flying when I found out that the odds of someone bringing a bomb on a plane is about a million to one.  A little to likely for my tastes.

But then after some research I found out that the odds of two people smuggling two bombs onto the same plane is a hundred million to one.  

So I fly all the time now I just carry one bomb.

[michael_legna]

I love collecting these contradictions in terms, so if you have some add them to the following:

Military Intelligence

Postal Service

Emotionally Stable

Feminist Humor

Legal Ethics

[nChrist]

   Internal Revenue Service

They are in our pockets helping us spend our money on things we don't know about or might not approve of.  

[JudgeNot]

 

Feminist Humor

 

unsung hero
safe sex
ill health
gay marraige
clearly ambiguous
 

[Warrior For Christ]

LIMO DRIVER


>After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
>doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
>on
>the curb.
>
>"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your
>seat so we can leave?"
>
>"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
>the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
>
>"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
>something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
>work that morning.
>
>"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
>
>Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
>wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
>airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
>
>"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
>Pope
>keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna
>lose my license," moans the driver.
>
>The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
>The
>cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
>radio.
>
>"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
>
>The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
>going a hundred and five.
>
>"So bust him," said the Chief.
>
>"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
>
>Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
>
>"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
>
>The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
>
>Cop: "Bigger."
>
>Chief: "Governor?"
>
>Cop: "Bigger."
>
>"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
>
>Cop: "I think it's God!"
>
>Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
>
>Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[Shylynne]

My favorite all time! ...too lazy to look to see if this oldie but goodie is already on the board ...

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Vince."

"Who?"

"Vince Sabio. There's a guy who did everything right. Like
me coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Vince every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He
could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Vince."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

 

[Brother Love]

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.