Laughter - Good Medicine

[Reba]

2 Tim

that is a hoot... I wish my Dad was alive he would be rolling  thanks  

[Shammu]

2T, thats great!!!!!! howllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll  

[2nd Timothy]

Glad you guys liked it.....I thought it was funny too, and I come from Penticostal background....lol

[Shammu]

Just a groaner, before i head off to bed.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear"the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!  Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Bob

[nChrist]

Dreamweaver,

     Thanks brother - I needed that laugh.

[nChrist]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

(Small Print:  Do I need to run or hide?)  

[2nd Timothy]

LOL

Do I need to run or hide?

If its your leaf, a resounding yes is in order!    

[JudgeNot]

If its your leaf, a resounding yes is in order!

Gen 3:8
And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam Mr BEP and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Hide BEP, hide!      

(Covering your tracks is futile... wait - I'm being redundant.)  

[Shammu]

If its your leaf, a resounding yes is in order!

Gen 3:8
And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam Mr BEP and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Hide BEP, hide!      

(Covering your tracks is futile... wait - I'm being redundant.)  

LOL!!!

[nChrist]

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You have developed a taste for prune juice.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

[nChrist]

Questions and Answers

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it sure did scare his dog.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

[nChrist]

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

[nChrist]

Fun In The Mall

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson how they look.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back trimmed.

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

[nChrist]

Fun While Driving

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look.

Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

(OK - Groan)

[nChrist]

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

(Groan??)