Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

A Halloween joke
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!

A vampire joke
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!

A witch joke
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!

A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!

A cannibal joke
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

[Shammu]

A ghost joke
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"!

A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people!

A witch joke
What's the witches favourite pop group?
Broomski Beat!

A Halloween joke
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn't stir without her!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber!

A vampire joke
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

A witch joke
How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes!

[Shammu]

A ghost joke
This woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don't know what possessed her!

A witch joke
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She's forecasting sunny spells!

A witch joke
How do witches tell the time?
By looking at their witch watches!

A vampire joke
What was the Californian vampire hippy like?
He was ghoul man, real ghoul!

A witch joke
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won't be able to see which witch is witch!

A Halloween joke
Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween?
It was for "tick or tweet"!

[Shammu]

A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!

A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!

A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!

A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!

A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!

A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!

A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!

[Shammu]

A witch joke
What has handles and flies?
A witch in a dustbin!

A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals eat weathermen?
Because they give them wind!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly and bounces?
A witch on a trampoline!

A Halloween joke
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins!

A witch joke
Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?
She wanted a clean sweep!

A ghost joke
What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains?
Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes!

A vampire joke
How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite sized pieces!

[Shammu]

A witch joke
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!

A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!

A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!

A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!

A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!

A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!

A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!

[Shammu]

A ghost joke
What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?
"I told you I was ill"!

A vampire joke
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down!

A witch joke
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods!

A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal mum say to her son who was chasing a missionary?
''Stop playing with your food''!

A witch joke
What do witches race on?
Vroomsticks!

A Halloween joke
How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel!

A witch joke
What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north!

[Shammu]

A witch joke
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred!

A cannibal joke
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!

A ghost joke
Where do undertakers go in October?
The hearse of the year show!

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The fangdango!

A Halloween joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!

A witch joke
How do witches lose weight?
They join weight witches!

[Shammu]

A witch joke
What name did the witch give to her cooking pot?
It was called-Ron!

A vampire joke
When do vampires bite you?
On wincedays!

A witch joke
What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy!

A Halloween joke
A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head. "Are you a ghost?
" asked his friends "No, I'm an unmade bed!

" A cannibal joke
What's the definition of a cannibal?
Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!

A ghost joke
Why are cemeteries in the middle of towns?
Because they're dead centres!

A witch joke
What is a witches favourite book?
Broom at the top!

[Shammu]

Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight.
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight.

[sincereheart]

*Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir*

10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.

9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.

8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
 
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.

6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.

4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.

3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.

2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)

1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."

[Shylynne]

Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight.
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight.

*sigh*  somehow gotta keep this moderator busier!  

[nChrist]

Peanuts.........

There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congregation.
So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..."

 

[nChrist]

You Know Your Getting Old When...

You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.

You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out with "oatmeal bran" flavor.

You can no longer even remember your true hair color.

You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.

Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.

You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the local television station.

You know what Bon Ami is.

You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.

You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were recycled automatically

You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the sewing machine.

You knew a time when people who worked in shoe stores knew something about shoes.

You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take her on a date.

You survived entire summers without air conditioning.

You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.

Your idea of obscenity is jogging.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.

You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

You join a health club and don't go.

You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.

That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.

You get winded, playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.

You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.

You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.

You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a young girl walk by.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.

You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.

You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.

A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.

Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.

You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.

You lose an argument with a phone answering device.

You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.

While trying to work out your hospital bill, you have to take medication for your blood pressure.

You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.

You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.

You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.

You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.

Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.

You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.

You can recall when service stations actually were.

You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.

You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.

[nChrist]

Famous Last Words............

I respect your opinion, although it differs from mine considerably.

You don't need to bring the boat closer, I can jump from here.

It was driven by a little old lady to and from church.

We do not need to guarantee our product, it never fails.

It will work better if you remove the safety device.

Read my lips. No new taxes.

The check for that item is in the mail.

This offer is for a limited time only, so you must hurry.

It is a wonderful home in a crime free neighborhood at a ridiculous price.

If you have any problem with it, just let us know.

This IRS payment will just have to wait...

This is a maintenance free product and requires no work to keep it going.

Product requires minimal assembly which can be done with a screwdriver.

Who cares who wins, it's the way you play the game that counts.

When the current stock is sold, it will not be reordered, so buy it now.

This product is not available in any store at any price.

The weather forecast says sunshine, so leave the boots and rainwear home.

There is a minimal service charge for each call.

The superintendent will be there shortly to correct the problem.

It is absolutely water proof and has never been known to leak.

In the event of minor difficulty, consult the manual for detailed help.

At this price, you can't afford not to buy it.

In this instance, reconditioned means as good as new.

A friendly consultant is available night or day, as close as your phone.

Our generous cash refund policy does not apply to that item.