BULL

[Forrest]

 ADULT:
 A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.

 BEAUTY PARLOR:
 A place where women curl up and dye.

 CANNIBAL:
 Someone who is fed up with people.

 CHICKENS:
 The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 COMMITTEE:
 A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 DUST:
 Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 EGOTIST:
 Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 GOSSIP:
 A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

 HANDKERCHIEF:
 Cold Storage.

 INFLATION:
 Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 MOSQUITO:
 An insect that makes you like flies better.

 RAISIN:
 Grape with a sunburn.

 SECRET:
 Something you tell to one person at a time.

 SKELETON:
 A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

 TOOTHACHE:
 The pain that drives you to extraction.

 TOMORROW:
 One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

 YAWN:
 An honest opinion openly expressed.

 WRINKLES:
 Something other people have. I have character lines.

[Forrest]

> >
> >       True  Story - JacksonvilleP. D .
> >
> >                          Now this one I like.................!!
> >
> >                   A man  goes to a party and has too much to drink. His
> >                   friends plead with him to let  them take him home. He
> >                           says no -- he only lives a mile away.
> >
> >                  About  five blocks from the party, the police pull him
> >                  over for weaving and ask him  to get out of the car and
> >                    walk the line. Just as he starts, the police  radio
> >                  blares out notice of a robbery taking place in a house
> >                                    just a block  away.
> >
> >                    The police tell the party animal to stay put, they
> >                   will be right  back and they hop a fence and run down
> >                                the street to the robbery.
> >
> >                   The  guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive
> >                                           home.
> >
> >                   When he gets  there, he tells his wife he is going to
> >                     that he has the flu and has been in bed all  day.
> >
> >                  A few hours later the police knock on the door. They
> >                   ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They
> >                  ask to see him and she replies that  he is in bed with
> >                             the flu and has been so all day.
> >
> >                 The police have his  driver's license. They ask to see
> >                   his car and she asks why. They insist on  seeing his
> >                    car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the
> >                   door. There  sitting in the garage is the police car,
> >                           with all its lights still  flashing.
> >
> >                      True story, told by the driver at his first  AA
> >                                         meeting.

[Brother Love]

> >
> >       True  Story - JacksonvilleP. D .
> >
> >                          Now this one I like.................!!
> >
> >                   A man  goes to a party and has too much to drink. His
> >                   friends plead with him to let  them take him home. He
> >                           says no -- he only lives a mile away.
> >
> >                  About  five blocks from the party, the police pull him
> >                  over for weaving and ask him  to get out of the car and
> >                    walk the line. Just as he starts, the police  radio
> >                  blares out notice of a robbery taking place in a house
> >                                    just a block  away.
> >
> >                    The police tell the party animal to stay put, they
> >                   will be right  back and they hop a fence and run down
> >                                the street to the robbery.
> >
> >                   The  guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive
> >                                           home.
> >
> >                   When he gets  there, he tells his wife he is going to
> >                     that he has the flu and has been in bed all  day.
> >
> >                  A few hours later the police knock on the door. They
> >                   ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They
> >                  ask to see him and she replies that  he is in bed with
> >                             the flu and has been so all day.
> >
> >                 The police have his  driver's license. They ask to see
> >                   his car and she asks why. They insist on  seeing his
> >                    car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the
> >                   door. There  sitting in the garage is the police car,
> >                           with all its lights still  flashing.
> >
> >                      True story, told by the driver at his first  AA
> >                                         meeting.

LOL

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

        1)    You believe in Santa Claus.
        2)    You don't believe in Santa Claus.
        3)    You are Santa Claus.
        4)    You look like Santa Claus.

 

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ & Forrest,

     Thanks Brothers, I needed that laugh!

In Christ,
Tom

[Forrest]

YEAR OF 1903: - - - This ought to boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1903, one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century
makes.

Here are the US statistics for 1903:

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47).

Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1..4 million residents, California
was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year..

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist
$2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000.

More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.  Coffee
cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country
for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii
and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.

Canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
corner drug stores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time
servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

Everything has changed.. Including the way we think...

Can you imagine 3003?

[Forrest]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

[Forrest]

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he
was poked hard enough in the eyes.

==============================================

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?

A.. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.
These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

==============================================

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

==============================================

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

==============================================

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

==============================================

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.

I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.. What
should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

==============================================

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

==============================================

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15
CO-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

[Forrest]

 Subject: Headlines in the year 2025

 HEADLINES FROM JUST  22 YEARS FROM NOW !!!!!

 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

 White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

 Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 Baby conceived naturally.... The National Organization of Women (NOW) want the father prosecuted for committing a lewd act upon a woman.

 Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

 Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2026.

 Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

Six billion dollar, 35 year study completed: The finding: Diet and exercise is the key to weight control.

 Massachusetts celebrates the passing of the last remaining conservative.

 Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

 Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

 Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

 New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2026.

 Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

 Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

 IRS sets minimum tax rate at 75%.

 Average price of a single-family home in Southern California is $2,500,000, and a three- bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.

 Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people.

[Forrest]

 You Might be From Chicago If.....
>
>
> You Might Be From Chicago if  
> The "living room" is called the "front room."
>  
> You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate
at
> people who do.
>  
> You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you
swear
> everything is pretty much 1/2 hour away.
>  
> You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines."
>  
> You go to visit friends or family down south and laugh when they
complain
> about the traffic.
>  
> You understand that no person from Chicago can be a Cub fan AND a
White Sox
> fan.
>  
> It's "Kitty corner" not "Katty corner".
>  
> You know the difference between The Loop and Downtown
>
> You eat your pizza in squares, not triangles, and you never refer to
it as
> "pie"
>  
> You own celery salt
>  
> You understand that the primary is the official local election.
>  
> You have drunk green beer on St. Paddy's Day
>  
> Stores don't have sacks, they have bags.
>  
> You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's my
> coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
>  
> Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as
the bun,
> "everything" is on it and a slice of dill pickle is on the side.
>  
> You carry jumper cables in your car.
>  
> You drink "pop."
>  
> Y ou understand that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different
roads.
>  
> You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower,
Dan
> Ryan, and the Edens. But you call the interstates "expressways."
>  
> You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern or Central Illinois."
>
> You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake."
>  
> You refer to Chicago as "The City."
>  
> "The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in January 1986.
>  
> You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats
the
> Packers.
>  
> You buy "The Trib" and not the Tribune.
>  
> You know that despite being on the lake, there is no such place as the
> Waterfront
>  
> You think 45 degrees is gr eat weather to wash your car.
>  
> You picnic or ride your bike in the "forest preserve."
>  
> You cried when Bozo was canceled on WGN.
>  
> You know what goes on a Chicago style hot dog.
>  
> You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
>  
> You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City."
>  
> You understand what "lake-effect" means.
>  
> You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which
station
> they end up at.
>  
> You have ridden the "L."
>&n bsp;
> You think your next-door neighbor is a cousin to Tony Soprano.
>  
> You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773,
708,
> 312, & 815.
>  
> You have at some time in your life, used your furni ture or a friend's
body
> to guard your parking spot in winter.
>  
> You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a "side."
Example:
> "West Side," "South Side" or "NorthSide."
>  
> AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST....
>  
> You know the phone number to Empire Carpet!

[Forrest]

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After 15 minutes of speaking he says, "I will now answer any questions you have."  
Bobby stands up and says: "I have four questions":
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play.
 
Upon returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have." A little girl called Julie stands up and says: "I have six questions":
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

[Symphony]

Um, Forrest, thank you.

But, um, when I heard that joke before, it was with Hillary Clinton



   

[Forrest]

Subject: A Doctor's Exam


> > This was so darned cute, couldn't let it go by.....
> >                            
> >
> > Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
> > 'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
> > All those aches and pains annoyed me
> > And I couldn't sleep last night.                        
> > He could find no real disorder
> > But he wouldn't let it rest.
> > What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
> > We would do a couple tests.                        
> > To the hospital he sent me
> > Though I didn't feel that bad.
> > He arranged for them to give me
> > Every test that could be had.                          
> > I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
> > My aging frame displayed.
> > Stripped, on an ice cold table,
> > While my gizzards were x-rayed.                          
> > I was checked for worms and parasites,
> > For fungus and the crud,
> > While they pierced me with long needles
> > Taking samples of my blood.                            
> > Doctors came to check me over,
> > Probed and pushed and poked around,
> > And to make sure I was living
> > They then wired me for sound.                            
> > They have finally concluded,
> > Their results have filled a page.
> > What I have will someday kill me;
> > My affliction is OLD AGE
                             
 

[Brother Love]

Um, Forrest, thank you.

But, um, when I heard that joke before, it was with Hillary Clinton



   

Same here

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Subject: Headlines in the year 2025

 HEADLINES FROM JUST  22 YEARS FROM NOW !!!!!

 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

 White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

 Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 Baby conceived naturally.... The National Organization of Women (NOW) want the father prosecuted for committing a lewd act upon a woman.

 Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

 Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2026.

 Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

Six billion dollar, 35 year study completed: The finding: Diet and exercise is the key to weight control.

 Massachusetts celebrates the passing of the last remaining conservative.

 Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

 Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

 Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

 New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2026.

 Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

 Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

 IRS sets minimum tax rate at 75%.

 Average price of a single-family home in Southern California is $2,500,000, and a three- bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.

 Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people.

How True

Brother Love