BULL

[Brother Love]

Two Jewish sisters-in-law (Ruth and Golda) meet on the street.  Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda!  My Irving is finally getting married.  He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes.
  After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
  Ruth answers, "God forbid!  But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement.  You know how we've all worried about him.  It's past time he's settled with a nice girl.  As far as the herpes goes, who knows?
  "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie.  I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
  So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth!  Ruth!   Thank goodness, I found it.  Not to worry, Ruthie!  It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles.

[Brother Love]

A woman called her pastor. "We just won $100 million in the lottery!" she exclaimed. "But I'm afraid to tell my husband. He has a weak heart and I'm afraid he may have a heart attack. Pastor, would you be able to tell him for me?" she asked.
 
The clergyman thought that perhaps he could, so he came right over and sat down with the man. "What would you do," he began, "if you were to win $500,000 in the lottery?"
 
"My wife could quit her job and I could work less and relax more," the man said.

"What would you do if you were to win one million dollars in the lottery?" the pastor asked.
 
"If I were to win that much we could both retire," the man said. "Life would be good."
 
The pastor forged on. "Well, what would you do if you were to win five  million dollars?"
 
"We could do anything we wanted!" he exclaimed. "We could travel, live anywhere in the world and enjoy a life we never dreamed we could  live!"
 
Finally the clergyman got to it. "Tell me...what would you do if you won ten million dollars in the lottery?"
 
"Ten million dollars? Why, if I ever won that much, Pastor, I'd give  half of it to you and the church!"
 
The pastor had a heart attack

Brother Love

[Tibby]

hahahahahahaha

[Ambassador4Christ]

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
 

[nChrist]

Scary:

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!!!!!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

 

[Forrest]

A little ol! d Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment
14B. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14B. I
will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, my apartment is at the end of the
hall on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with
myelbow?"

"What? You're coming empty handed?"

[Forrest]

      What a difference thirty years makes!


 
 



1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair



1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund



1972: KEG
2002: EKG



1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux



1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm



1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly



1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look! like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage



1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer



1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM



1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian



1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint



1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones



1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office



1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system



1972: Disco
2002: Costco



1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test



1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

[nChrist]

What a difference thirty years makes!

     Brother Forrest - ROFL    

[nChrist]

The pregnant woman:

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

[nChrist]

YUK!:

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?

[nChrist]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's rear."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

[Brother Love]

 


How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.  Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Brother Love

[nChrist]

     Thanks Brother Love!. I needed those laughs this morning.

In Christ,
Tom

[Forrest]

> Whoever came up with this one must have had some divine guidance, I
was impressed!
> Although things are not perfect
> Because of trial or pain
> Continue in thanksgiving
> Do not begin to blame
> Even when the times are hard
> Fierce winds are bound to blow
> God is forever able
> Hold on to what you know
> Imagine life without His love
> Joy would cease to be
> Keep thanking Him for all the things
> Love imparts to thee
> Move out of "Camp Complaining"
> No weapon that is known
> On earth can yield the power
> Praise can do alone
> Quit looking at the future
> Redeem the time at hand
> Start every day with worship
> To "thank" is a command
> Until we see Him coming
> Victorious in the sky
> We'll run the race with gratitude
> Xalting God most high
> Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
> Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

[Forrest]

 Adam
>
>
>God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a
>valley?"
>and God explained it to him.
>Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and
>God
>explained it to him.
>And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a
>hill?"
>and God explained it to him.
>Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a
>cave,"
>and Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him.
>"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a
>woman?"
>So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
>And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.
>So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
>hill, and into the cave, and found the woman. ... and in about five
>minutes
>he was back.
>God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"