Paranoia I had a conversation with a friend today about medical
ailments. He admitted to being a little overly paranoid when
it came to the possibility of having a medical emergency.
Those of you that know me personally, (yes Karen)
know that I too, suffer from the ailment called
"Paranoia Usually Turned Zany"
or what is commonly known as "PUTZ" Syndrome.
Do you suffer from PUTZ? You can easily tell.
My friend said he went to his doctor after becoming
alarmed with a small twitch, in his arm. On occasion
his arm would *twitch*. Fearing the worst... like.. oh...
Polio or something..... he went to the doctor. He was
diagnosed as... well... having a twitch in his arm.
PUTZ.... not him. The Syndrome.
Which made me recall a similar experience.
Well not similar, but paranoid.
I had a small bump on my bicep. A good 2 inches
up from my elbow. I panicked. Hey.... it was less that a foot
from my breast, perfectly within "panic range" for me.
I went to the doctor and was diagnosed as having a
bump. An imperfection. *gasp* I know. Hard to believe.
But my doctor then sat me down. Moved his hand
over his mouth, rested his elbow on his knee, leaned
forward...looked at me.....ran his hand through his hair
and blurted the following...
"When i tell you to check for lumps on your breast, i
mean ON your breast, underarms too, but don't come
to me with a mosquito bite on your butt and ask me
if you have prostate cancer"
PUTZ....not the Syndrome. The Doctor.
I recently quit smoking. Which makes sense considering
my fear of illness. I'm even watching what I eat.
As opposed to eating blindfolded, that is.
"Condiments" my doctor says, "are often fat free.
So I stocked up on ketchup, mustard, relish, vinegar
and the like. But you know. I have questions.
Vinegar?
It makes me nervous, I mean, vinegar eats through
that crap that corrodes my coffeemaker, I don't think I want that
in my gut.
And what about relish?
I just won't eat it. Upon close inspection, I realized
I will never eat it simply because i don't like the
resemblence to something you can find in a kids nose.
Ketchup is just mutilated tomatoes. Tomato blood. I
can't eat tomato blood.
And mustard? Hey that's stuff Mr. Happy puts on my
chest with flour and newspapers when I have bronchitis,
a mustard plaster. I can't spread chest medicine on my
sammich.
Which leaves basically mayo and butter. Both of which
are way high in fat. And to be honest, so is a nice fresh
fat loaf of wonder bread. Deli meats are out, sodium
and un-named animal parts and such... so.. my only recourse
is to eat rice cakes and dream about shrimp cocktail and
chocolate gooey dessert of death.
Maybe I'm just PARANOID about needing to watch
what I eat!!! Yeah!!! Maybe I look GREAT!!!!!!!
*Brushing rice cake crumbs off my lap*
And maybe I really am a Goddess.
*grumble*
~from another very humorous website (from what i`ve read)
chronicles of The Lady named Dave
http://www.pipcom.com/~pepe/Dave.html
Author