Things Women Don't Know

[michael_legna]

We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the 4-4-2 formation, or cars/bikes.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[JudgeNot]

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Brother Michael - I've been "on the couch" for going on 10 years now.  It really IS like camping - except that the firdge is in easy reach!  

[Izar]

Lol, great stuff! Keep it up!  

[Izar]

I'm not married, so I have no worries... Never had a girlfriend either...  

Oh well. These a real funny anyways...

[Mamiee]

I'm not married, so I have no worries... Never had a girlfriend either...  

Oh well. These a real funny anyways...

Not to worry Izar You're young yet. I'm a chick so ofcourse it's different, but I didn't have my first boyfriend till I was 18. And truth be told it's not all it's cracked up to be. So enjoy you're time only having to worry about youself. God has a plan we just don't know what it is yet I'm 26 & still not married , so if I can hang in there you can too!

Mamiee

[ollie]

“Women, you can’t live with them, and they can’t pee standing up”

-Hayseed, from “Major League 2”

 

Over in the women's forum someone refered to themselves as "peabrained"

[Shylynne]

Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas  

[ollie]

Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas  

Forecast:  Whirling peas warning, Dust storm inevitable. You will be scattered.

Perhaps you will be scatterbrained and they being self proclaimed peabrains will make for another fine mess Stanley.
 

[Coyote]

I think my wife's most beautiful when she's cooking, or cleaning, or .... ya know, doin' woman's work!  

real Amish saying (without the accent): The most beautiful sight is a woman working.

it could also be the rareist sight, a woman actually working.... to many "liberated" broads now days.....

(I'm running for cover)


he he he he he he

[sincereheart]

it could also be the rareist sight, a woman actually working.... to many "liberated" broads now days.....


Gollee.... why work? I can sit on the couch all day and watch soap operas and eat bob-bons......

[Shammu]

Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas  

Forecast:  Whirling peas warning, Dust storm inevitable. You will be scattered.

Perhaps you will be scatterbrained and they being self proclaimed peabrains will make for another fine mess Stanley.
 

ROFL!!!!!!!!

[Kristi Ann]

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before


2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game


5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too


6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First


8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking


9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


12. Introduction to Parking


13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To


21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

I Do Not agree at all!!!


 Men need to Learn to put the Toliet Seat DOWN!!!!!!  

[Shylynne]

Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas  

Forecast:  Whirling peas warning, Dust storm inevitable. You will be scattered.

Perhaps you will be scatterbrained and they being self proclaimed peabrains will make for another fine mess Stanley.
 

ROFL!!!!!!!!

 

[Shammu]

Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas  

Forecast:  Whirling peas warning, Dust storm inevitable. You will be scattered.

Perhaps you will be scatterbrained and they being self proclaimed peabrains will make for another fine mess Stanley.
 

This is another fine mess, ou've gotten us into to Stanley.

[Shammu]

Men need to Learn to put the Toliet Seat DOWN!!!!!! [/b]  

Why there are no women in my home.......