Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

I also have some more from e-mails but, I don't remember what I titled them. :eek:

[sincereheart]

Oops.....

Blackeyedpeas stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation.

After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he
said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most
realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Officer," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumbprint."
 

[Shylynne]

oh she`s a mean one...sister grinch  




LOL!  

[Shammu]

oh she`s a mean one...sister grinch  




LOL!  

I'll say

[nChrist]

POLICE DOG

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

 

[nChrist]

WARNING TICKET

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

[Joyfuldove222]

This topic is great!  Thanks for starting!  Oooops!  I am a woman.  Gotta go now before I get kicked out of here.  :-)

[Shammu]

This is a true story, of what happened when I got pulled over.
Driving along, I was pulled over, the cop wanted to see my lic, ins, and registation. I handed it all over to the cop.

He told me I was being pulled over for speeding, 5 miles over the speed limit. I hit the steering wheel in fustration. The cop looked at me while I said, "Stupid truck, you are always getting me in trouble."  The cop asked me to get out, and pointede to the left tire, it went flat.

The cop handed me back everything and told me to have a nice day. He got back into the car and waved as he drove away. Mean while I had a flat tire to fix. The bad thing was

I had just bought the tires earlier that DAY!

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to JoyfulDove222 and DreamWeaver,

JoyfulDove222 - We must have little raiding parties back and forth between the men's and women's areas just to keep everyone on their toes.  

DreamWeaver - I'm wondering if the police officer stopped you to tell you about the tire. Five mph over the speed limit would really be nit-picking. Officers could wear themselves out dealing with 15+ over the limit.

__________________________

QUICK WIT

A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.

Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.

After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Most definitely, officer," she replied.

"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"

 

[nChrist]

TRAFFIC STOP

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
 

[Shammu]

DreamWeaver - I'm wondering if the police officer stopped you to tell you about the tire. Five mph over the speed limit would really be nit-picking. Officers could wear themselves out dealing with 15+ over the limit.

This happened in 1977 in Georgia, while I was traveling through the state.
I lived in Arizona, had a California D.L. and was living at the time in Texas.
Or the cop didn't want to deal with the paper work.

[nChrist]

A WHO DONE IT?

A workman was killed at a construction site.

The police began questioning a number of the other workers.
Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.

The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

So who did it?

The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.

 

[nChrist]

Illegal Turn

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!", he said.

"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

 

[Shammu]

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty
surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in
his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his
pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.

[Shammu]

I can't do that

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really
bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."